They should really just rename all of these tabloids Judging Other Women for Their Choices and Appearance Magazine. Can you imagine if men’s magazines were like this instead of the monthly blowjobs to manliness (suits! whiskey! cars! titties! war!) that they are? What if there were a Bros Weekly and the stories were like, “Darren Aronofsky: Did He Put His Career Before His Marriage?” “Are Leo’s Friends Making Fun of Him Behind His Back?” “Clint Eastwood Wishes He Was the Young Clint Eastwood”? Feeling old? Feeling fat? Feeling ugly and insecure, like your fabulous wife is going to leave you for James Bond? Now multiply that times a billion and you know what it’s like to be a woman who consumes media. These magazines are like a passive-aggressive friend that hates you and makes you feel terrible about yourself. I love the good men’s magazines because they make me feel cool and informed and ready to slam dunk the Henderson account. Tabloids and women’s beauty magazines all make me want to stab myself in the face with an emerald.

Jen Aniston and Justin Theroux: “Don’t be surprised if Jennifer Aniston’s a barefoot bride before the clock strikes 2012.” I would be very surprised to see a clock whose increments are years. Justin Theroux “is a keeper, the real deal,” and we know this because of “the gleam in Jen’s eye, the uncharacteristic PDA, and Justin’s unfailing tenderness.” “Unfailing tenderness” is a beautiful phrase and the name of my smooth-jazz debut album. Jen doesn’t care about a big wedding because “this wedding will not be for show” and concerns “two people who love each other making a commitment for life.” Also, truffle fries must have a great publicist because the food that made Lynn Hirschberg paint Maya Arulpragasam as MIArie Antoinette gets a star placement here as one of Aniston’s “favorite snacks” at the Sunset Tower Hotel. At the hotel’s pool, “Justin was smoothing sun lotion over her body and kissing her neck.”

In Touch plays offense, suggesting “Jen started off with Justin playing it cool but now her insecurities are surfacing.” After seven months of dating they finally went public and have since “been fighting a lot” over Jen’s “high-maintenance” ways. “Justin really can’t believe how vain Jennifer is.” Really? Because they’re both actors. I’m pretty sure after being an actor for about ten seconds you figure out that actors are vain. Anyway, Justin finds it “hard to deal with her neurotic side” and Aniston hates that he still talks to his ex Heidi Bivens. “He sort of rebelled” after she booked a trip to Mexico without consulting him. “He’s starting to feel like Jen is scheduling all of his time up that he won’t be able to see his friends.” Star claims they are engaged (because these stories are all contradictory and fictional) and flaunts a close-up of the rock on the cover (“SEE THE RING”). How can a tabloid headline sound so needy and desperate? Looks like the tabloids won’t leave Jennifer alone without a fight.

Demi and Ashton: Ashton is happy “laughing it up on set” and “hooking up with women half the age of his soon-to-be-ex-wife!” Demi is miserable and “Ashton is rubbing it in, almost like he’s enjoying it.” What he’s more likely enjoying is the tons of press. Friends “aren’t surprised that Ashton is being less than gentlemanly” because the “insensitive” cad doesn’t care that “Demi, 49, dreads seeing Ashton with any more 20-year-old stunners.” While Ashton is laughing, Demi is so depressed she wants to “sleep all day” and can’t eat anything. A sidebar of “May-December marriages that fizzled” thankfully includes Scarlett and Ryan Reynolds, so as not to make it COMPLETELY sexist and awful with the implication that older women can’t hold on to younger men. Just the awful sexist implication that professionally successful women can’t hang on to men, period. Oh, but don’t worry, there’s female-specific ageism, too: Demi is “so invested in being thought of as sexy and aging miraculous — a hot cougar” and “being this sex symbol with a young hot guy,” and she is devastated that Ashton’s blatant cheating “ruined everything.” Demi backed out of going to her daughter Tallulah’s debutante ball in Paris while Ashton partied in Iowa for Thanksgiving “swarmed by girls” who presumably all look like Ashton’s high school girlfriend, January Jones.

Rob Lowe: “I don’t mind getting older.” Well of course you don’t, you look like Rob Lowe. “‘I’m not worried about chronological years,’ Rob, the director of the web video ‘Butterfinger The 13th’ available on Facebook, tells In Touch in an exclusive interview, adding that he has never even considered plastic surgery or Botox. ‘I don’t think guys should be monkeying around with that stuff.'” He stays young by keeping “outside, surfing, diving, you name it.” I guess Rob Lowe just is his character on Parks and Recreation.

Jennifer Lopez: In Touch goes for the jugular: “J. Lo’s Midlife Crisis.” Yikes, here we go. “Jennifer Lopez clung to her new boyfriend, Casper Smart, like a smitten teenager when the two took a break outside the Apache Dance Studio in North Hollywood.” (Favorite sentence of the week. North Hollywood represent.) “She was making these sultry come-hither faces at him and giving him puppy dog eyes,” says an eyewitness who is probably a paparazzo. The source “admits to understanding why Jennifer has lost her head lately: She is having fun again, doing the things she couldn’t do while married to Marc Anthony.” But this fun is now “increasingly embarrassing,” as J.Lo acts “like a giddy schoolgirl” giving “him a lap dance.” However, “the two had looks of ecstasy etched on their faces when they held each other close.” Even during “cheap PDA sessions with Casper that make her look more like a pop tart than a pop star!” 24-year-old Casper “likes older ladies.” He dated a 30-year-old Laker Girl and one of J.Lo’s backup dancers, also 30, who is still in Lopez’s dance troupe (yipes). An insider calls him “obnoxious.” His father says he is a very nice boy who loves Jesus.

Sandra Bullock: Similarly, “Sandra’s Midlife Makeover” is horrible. “Sources tell Star that Sandra may have an extra joyous holiday season by turning back the clock with a boob job!” “The Hollywood superstar is looking to rebound after hunky Ryan Reynolds ended their love affair and hooked up with young hottie Blake Lively,” and “settled on the perfect pick-me-up: a boob job!” I hate the world. “She wants to look more like she used to when she was younger. But it’s going to be very natural and low key. She’s not looking to suddenly show up with ‘stripper breasts.'”

I just want to wrap Sandra Bullock in a blanket and save her from all of this. Shhhhh, little Sandy, it’s gonna be okay, I promise. “Sandra doesn’t trust many people by nature, but she really sparked with Ryan and opened herself up to him — and then he moved on to Blake.” An anonymous insider said “she definitely considered Ryan as ‘husband material’ until he bolted for Blake, 24.” Sure it wasn’t for a movie called Husband Material? “As she nears 50, Sandra’s trademark perky and quirky leading-lady roles in romantic comedies that once made her America’s Sweetheart may be a thing of the past.” Fuuuuuck yoooooooou. But never fear, “she plays a mom” in her next two films and she’s “still one of Hollywood’s most unique and beautiful superstars.” Way to pull the knife back out and wipe it off on my heart.

Scarlett Johansson/Ryan Reynolds/Blake Lively: “Ex marks the sore spot for Scarlett,” who is super pissed about Ryan Reynolds moving in with Blake Lively, because she kind of wants him back. “Ryan would have gotten back with her. He was so totally in love, but then she flaunted Sean Penn right after their split, and he was done.” Unless! “Ryan & Blake: She’s Smothering Him!” is illustrated with an unflattering open-mouthed picture of Blake staring admiringly at Reynolds, suggesting she “would marry Ryan right now” and that she only “roped him into house hunting by saying she was looking at properties for herself.” He wants a quick out and is “still trying to figure out how to let her down easy. Ryan doesn’t want to break her heart.” Enter … Sandra?

Kardashians: An ad for Kim K’s perfume “GOLD” with a contest where you can “win a trip to L.A. and your chance to be a REALITY STAR FOR A DAY!” “Kourtney’s dying to be a bride!” She is due to marry Patrick Bateman impersonator Scott Disick “after four often turbulent years and one heart-stoppingly cute child.” Positioning Kourtney as the new top Kardashian following Kim’s fall from grace is a great fucked-up narrative twist that should power fictional tabloid stories for weeks thanks to the evil moneymaking schemes of Kris Jenner. Kris Humphries called Kim “fat ass” (maybe it was affectionate!) and said “God, you ate a lot of wedding cake!” lifting her up post-honeymoon. Kourtney is pregnant, she confirms to Us. “We were doing crazy positions — I was lying on the floor on my back with my legs up in the air, no top on and my hair covering my boobs,” she says, of … a photo shoot.

They ask Kourtney if she’s given any advice to Khloe, who has had a problem getting pregnant. COOL QUESTION, VERY APPROPRIATE. Scott and Kourtney have sex regularly but sleep in separate beds so Kourt can sleep with their son, Mason. Scott seems like a real take-up-the-whole-bed (with prostitutes) kind of guy. He says “dinner in New York is at, like, 10 at night,” and admits “there have been times where I wanted to get married more than she did.” Kim is in damage-control mode, doing community service on Thanksgiving in regular clothes with “natural” makeup. Kris Jenner’s sweet potatoes are “crazy delicious.”

Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes: Ryan surprised her on set in Paris as “a grand romantic gesture” and they “made the most of their rendezvous, enjoying an intimate dinner that night” before spending the next day at touristy locales like Pere-Lachaise Cemetery (home of the Lizard King) and the Eiffel Tower and on various magical glittering theme-park rides. Eva is “the luckiest girl in the world!” reports In Touch. Ryan “is a hopeless romantic” and “looked so happy and so in love.” How convenient that cameras showed up.

Rihanna: “My personal life is non-existent. It’s not good. Not for me, not for ‘her,”” Rihanna said as she gestured toward her crotch on Ellen.

Stars’ First Jobs:

• Johnny Depp played in a KISS cover band.
• Jennifer Aniston was a 19-year-old bike messenger who got doored a lot.
• Megan Fox wore a banana costume to promote a smoothie shop as a Florida teen. “The costume had a hole so everyone could see your face” (sounds like good training for Hollywood). An aspiring actress literally becoming an object. Object: Banana.
• Rachael Ray worked at the Macy’s candy counter. Macy’s has a candy counter? Did Rachael Ray grow up in the ’30s?
• Queen Latifah worked at Burger King.
• Mariah was a coat check girl in NY.
• Chris Rock worked at Red Lobster for minimum wage and couldn’t afford to eat there.
• Brad Pitt promoted a Sunset Strip El Pollo Loco in a chicken costume (again, good training).
• Melissa McCarthy was a waitress whose customers sometimes skipped the bill.
• Amy Adams was a Hooters girl in Atlanta right out of high school. “There was definitely an innocence to my interpretation of what Hooters was about.”

OK!

Best Pictures: Katie Holmes ice-skating behind Tom Cruise and Suri looking like a Manson girl; Salma Hayek tripping in heels; Justin Bieber staring dreamily into Michael Bublé’s eyes; a coy ad for a Trojan “intimate massager” vibrator; a picture of Victoria’s Secret angel Candice Swanepoel in a push-up bra with headline “GET SEXY TIPS” (Freudian slip: I misread this at first); Sandra Lee’s endless stare as she teaches you to make “Ho-Ho-Jitos” and advises that “a relaxed host is a fun host.”
Actual Stories: “Should A Hooters Waitress Be Invited To Career Day?” “Miley: Is She A Stoner?”
Inane Sentence Fragments: Snooki on beauty: “Use kitty litter to exfoliate your face. It’s got exfoliants. They’ve got like rocks in there.” “Tom Cruise is as big at home as he is on the movie screen,” “Plenty of low-emissions mileage riding a frog.” “With a steely gaze and great hair.” “Somehow, he makes time for love with his petite wife, Tiny.” “The Pink Panther meets a boy who teaches him the true spirit of Christmas.” A fellow wrestler calls the Rock is “very bourgeois Hollywood.” Kyle Richards won’t be posing for Playboy anytime soon because she doesn’t “even like getting naked in the shower.” “Rihanna wearing punk shoes.” “A bucket of Botox.” “Finding love on a reality dating show was a hardship.” “Purple? So Trendy!” “A paneled panty will allow pleats.” Lady Gaga spent her early twenties like most people do: “I wanted to read poetry and be overly dramatic about everything, and that’s what I did.”

In Touch

Best Pictures: A pornographically close-up shot of Kate Middleton’s full shopping cart; Katy Perry firing a whipped-cream cannon with a crazed look on her face; Usher pushing a stroller with his sons in it; a genuinely awesome trompe-l’œil waterfall ice-cliff painting for a UK Reebok promo; a ginger kitten in a washing machine; photo-realistic Angry Birds.
Actual Stories: “They’ve Got Brawny-Guy Style” (celebs in red plaid flannel shirts). “Everyone In Statement Earrings” “Is It a Coat or a Blanket?”
Inane Sentence Fragments: Justin Bieber is taking after Kanye and wearing girly clothes: “I’ve worn women’s jeans before because they fit me.” A photo of Katherine Heigl’s dog is captioned, “Can she get me a role on Stray’s Anatomy?” Angelina Jolie: “I’m still a bad girl. I still have that side of me. It’s just in its place now. It belongs to Brad.” A spread of men who gained baby weight is a page right out of Bros Weekly: “Ben Affleck has put on 10 pounds from comfort food!” “Matt dates gorgeous women who have the best business connections.” “He’s dating a ton of women right now.” (That’s not dating.)

“She drinks a lot of coffee but doesn’t eat.” “When he told her they needed to talk, she was expecting an engagement ring, not a kiss-off.” “It’s causing her some angst and affecting her appetite.” Sarah Jessica Parker bought an apartment down the street from her townhouse where she can escape her children to write and “work in peace.” Christina Aguilera is going to propose to her boyfriend, but he may do it first: “He’s going to propose this year, even if he has to buy the ring on credit.” “Her cheeks look fuller and more youthful, which is most likely due to facial fillers.” “She used to have an ‘ethnic’ Armenian nose and now her nose looks very chiseled.” “Wow, can you believe Kate Hudson (in Gucci) gave birth just five months ago?” “Frances Bean’s new house is nirvana.” “Frances doesn’t want to be anything like her mom.” “The serene patio is perfect for late-night jam sessions or low-key parties … Friends say their house is always filled with music, laughter, and lots of bandmates, who love to hang out or crash.” The dream of the ’90s is alive in Frances Bean’s house.

US

Best Pictures: Shiloh Pitt now looks like a tween Kurt Cobain; Reese Witherspoon on Splash Mountain; holy shit, 45-year-old Cindy Crawford looks hot in a bikini; Taylor Swift, looking like Woody Allen, carrying a Starbucks coffee through the rain with the quote, “I could date, but I don’t,” juxtaposed with a picture of her last Thanksgiving during her cross-promotional showmance with Jake Gyllenhaal; Michelle Obama and a ginger MILF friend in a NASCAR box; Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron giggling to each other at ComicCon.
Actual Stories: “Baby … or Dog? Sometimes It’s Hard to Tell!” “Bold Yellow Dresses!”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “We just had sex on a Jet Ski!” “Mariah and Nick Cannon have sex to Mariah songs.” (WEIRD/AWESOME.) Jenny McCarthy is “much more horny now” than she was in her twenties, according to Jenny McCarthy. Lady Gaga’s friends call her “Drunky Gaga” when she’s getting wine-wasted alone in a gown at a fancy hotel. Adam Sandler: Spanx “tighten you, get you feeling right.” Jason Segel lived “in a one-bedroom apartment that was just crammed with puppets.” Queen Latifah: “Can you imagine? Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah in one movie? All those breasts!” “Hayden Panettiere speaking Russian.” “Jake Gyllenhaal picking up spices and a cake mold.”

Star

Best Pictures: New Jersey Housewife Melissa Gorga with a face painted on her face; Katy Perry proving her rockabilly cred by giving a guy named Bang Bang new ink with a tattoo gun; the teen moms of Teen Mom 2 all have fabulous hair now.
Actual Stories: “Bullets Fly in Rapper Rumble.” “Bieber Baby Accuser Caught Doing Drugs.”
Inane Sentence Fragments: “Hiding behind his new ‘stache and shades, Joe Jonas showed off his beach body while relaxing in Mexico.” “She’s more of a weed smoker. She does other things every once in a while — but I’m not going to say what those drugs are.” (Cocaine. You mean cocaine.) An evil homophobic story on whether Kris Humphries is gay: “There were signs,” an insider tells Star. (He likes personal grooming and nice clothes. Obviously he’s gay. What?) They hadn’t had sex for weeks and Kim “took it upon herself to try to spice up” their life. She “lit candles, put on some music and started doing a sexy striptease. But Kris barely looked up from the TV! He was like ‘Later babe, I’m watching SportsCenter now.'” “Bobby Flay: Serial Womanizer!” Forty-seven-year-old Flay is in hot water: “His wife should wake up and take a look at how he acts when she’s not looking.” At a Mohegan Sun party, “he walked around, looking girls up and down. It was just really creepy.” “Former Food Network chef Juan-Carlos Cruz was sentenced to nine years in prison after pleading no contest to trying to hire two homeless men to murder his wife.” Ahhhh. Celebrity restaurateur Todd English called his fiancée at “1 p.m. on the wedding day” and “said he couldn’t marry her. And before she could answer, he hung up.” (She went through with the $150,000 reception at New York’s St. Regis Hotel alone, surrounded by friends and family.) “Top Chef: Just Desserts finalist Morgan Wilson was indicted on three second-degree felony charges and intent to distribute child pornography.” Charlize Theron: “Women are either supposed to be really good hookers or really good mothers — nothing in-between.” Also, “boys don’t like big, nerdy glasses.” Try Brooklyn?

Previously: Jennifer Aniston’s Imaginary Wedding, and Other Tales From This Week’s Gossip Magazines
Johnny Depp and the Too-Close Costar
The Kardashian Divorce Fiasco: Blame Mom