Vanilla Ice has a Wikipedia page that is roughly 500 times the length that you would expect it to be. I’m kind of stuck on the paragraphs describing how he let his friends tattoo him when he was on a drug binge and the chronicle of when his pets, a wallaroo and a goat, ran away. There’s much more — battery charges, motocrossing, Juggalo wrestling — and Ice, a.k.a. Rob Van Winkle, is going to be adding to his own personal canon in 2014 with a DIY Network show called Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. The show is a follow-up to Van Winkle’s Vanilla Ice Project, but this time he’s going to a settlement in Ohio and leaving his power tools behind. I think his thoroughly modern facial hair will look very becoming with a wide-brim straw hat and some suspenders. Hand-churned Vanilla, artisinally chipped Ice.

• Miley gave her first post-VMAs interview to MTV: “We’re three days later and people are still talking about it. They’re overthinking it. You’re thinking about it more than I thought about it when I did it. Like, I didn’t even think about it ’cause that’s just me.”
• Four ambitious Chinese actors have scored supporting roles in Transformers 4 after appearing on a reality show descriptively called Transformers 4 Chinese Actors Talent Search Reality Show.
• The nerve-jangling CBS/Time Warner blackout is over.
• Some Patron sounds pretty good right now. Amirite, girl whose blood has lime wedges floating in it?
• Grantland’s own Shea Serrano has made a Drake–Breaking Bad mash-up Tumblr that is VERY FINE art.
• The Homeland season premiere leaked a month early. Showtime, you need to Ziploc your shit.
• Sweet songbird Gisele.
• Take your hands off me! I’m a senator’s wife!
• My favorite couple are presenting at the Emmys. <3
• True Blood will soon end, because there was nothing left to say after we burst into flames.
• Jodie Foster will direct an episode of the second season of House of Cards.
• No apologies.
• Keep your Trappers in check as you head back to school (R.I.P., summer).
• Crazy, crazy, and crazy.