I still haven’t forgiven my family for not interrupting my labor to tell me that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise had separated. I thought they were timing my contractions with their iPhones, but they were totally checking TMZ. Thanks for leaving me out of that experience, guys, you’re the best. Just kidding, you’re the worst. I wouldn’t have needed the epidural if I’d had the ultimate tabloid distraction. Traitors! Tom Cruise has just broken his silence about the divorce while promoting Oblivion, calling life “a tragicomedy” and confirming that he “didn’t expect it.” He also used the time post-split “to reflect” and, presumably, to cut loose with his thetan friends. “LOL as they say.”

• Headline of the day: Man Drove 90 mph With Genitals Hanging Out the Window. Alternate headline of the day: Crazy Armageddon Family Commits Difficult Reverse-Double Elian Gonzalez Triple-Axel, Kidnaps Kids, Flees To Cuba.
• Scott Lew, pentaplegic, wrote Sexy Evil Genius without typing or talking. “Lew’s story is incredible and it certainly adds a whole other layer to his film about a crazy girlfriend who invites all her exes to one bar at the same time.” I bet!
• Michael Imperioli has joined Californication in a “major recurring role.“
• Hemlock Grove is available for U.S. binge-watching on April 19. “But maybe I’ll be dead by then!” OK: If you can hang on until 7 p.m. ET, you can watch the Elysium trailer before you cash in your chips. If not, good-bye, #RIP.
• It’s tough to frighten people in translation.
• If you have $11 million and are not afraid of the ominous floor stains, you can buy the Playboy Bunny Hutch.
• Breaking Bad spinoff rumor alert: Better call Saul!
• The movies are dead. Long live the movies.
• Brain pacemakers may help major depression, which is great news if you can get past the idea of “Deep Brain Stimulation.”
• Speaking of brains, it would be better if we could ditch our bodies and just live in jars, because when people look at us, we can’t run for office.
• Uncle Alice Cooper wants you to Kickstart his “shock-rock, genre-bending take on all things awful and icky.”