Hello, Earthlings. It has been a week since I have been beamed down to your planet from HG-430 Helioplex, my home planet, and boy am I enjoying myself in my humanoid role as manager of a movie theater in Missouri, a job I secured after a quick scan of the interstellar classifieds. You all have no objection to guns in movie theaters, right? I can’t imagine why that would cause anyone to become alarmed. So what’s your beef with my Iron Man 3 publicity stunt? Why would you balk at the image of “people dressed in full tactical gear and carrying what appeared to be assault weapons storm[ing] the screening”? Why would that glue you to your seat while you frantically dial 811 (earth police telecommunication signal)? I don’t know. I’m just here on vacation. And my flight was awful. (h/t The A.V. Club, photo credit Amber and Amanda Photography)

• Bet you feel like a scumbag for laughing at Star Wars kid right now.
• So THIS is why they invented Vine.
• Fear of Flying the movie is coming. Let me see that Jo-o-ong.
• Dang, NBC. What a freaking massacre. At least Whitney can’t inflict any more pain. Related: Southland, the show I resent you for not watching (all of ya’s!), has finally retired its badge. Sammy Bryant, I’ll take you out for a fictional beer any day of the week.
• Dear married friend who I just saw trying to score some ass on Facebook: It’s time to adjust your Bang With Friends privacy settings. Actually, it’s past that time. And LinkedIn is watching you while you sleep.
• August: Osage County‘s trailer wants you to think it’s Terms of Endearment.
• Don’t contribute to forehead-phobia.
• Hate, state by state.
• Everybody needs a day off.
• Respect your mother.
• There Will Be Singing.
• Gordon Ramsay is coming for your children.
• Long hair, don’t care for your teaching style.