Every time I go home for the holidays, there is less and less evidence that I ever grew up in my old house. Although adjusting to the reality that my new bedroom is the trunk of my mom’s Volvo has taken time, one fantastic side effect of the household turnover has been the old relics that continue to resurface in “keep or give away” piles of my things.

This past holiday, something almost too beautiful for words turned up. This something is a something I purchased in 2006 at a Salvation Army in Vermont, brought home for the holidays, and then rudely forgot about for five years. I sincerely hope you freak out as much as I did on Christmas Eve:

MIGHTY DUCKS FANNY PACK

Has there ever been anything more beautiful? Well, yes. (Now would be a great time to sit down and get your inhaler.)

MIGHTY DUCKS FANNY PACK THAT OMG UNFOLDS INTO A MIGHTY DUCKS WINDBREAKER

If I were the worst person in the world, I would flaunt this gem in your face, and that would be it. Luckily for you, this fantastic technological advancement has a slight flaw. The fanny pack aspect of it is perfect, but the windbreaker is a size extra-large, slightly too big for this 5-foot-9, post-meal 152-pound frame. As much as I’ve tried to play it off, it sort of envelopes me when I wear it, causing my body to seemingly disappear into a sea of purple and teal. After a few weeks of trying and failing, I’ve finally become OK with the fact that it would probably look better on someone who is not so perfectly proportioned.

But I’m not just giving it away. There’s a catch.

I would be willing to send this to anyone, anywhere in the world, in exchange for something in return. Something special. Something magical. Something on THE LIST:

1. Tim Riggins jersey, size medium
2. 3rd Period D2: The Mighty Ducks jersey (white, obviously), size medium/large
3. Six pairs of Sambas, size 10.5
4. White Reebok Ex-o-Fits, size 10.5
5. 1992 Dream Team jersey, any player, any size
6. 1996 Mitch Richmond USA Basketball jersey
7. 10 Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards
8. Falcons Deion Sanders poster and Braves Deion Sanders poster
9. 1993 HEAD Radical Agassi tennis racquet (yellow, obviously)
10. Mighty Ducks windbreaker/fanny pack, size medium/large

If you have one of the items on THE LIST, e-mail triangle@grantland.com immediately with photo evidence and the story of how you obtained the item. And if you have something you feel is comparable to items of THE LIST, drop me a line at @RembertManX. Please know, however, if you offer up a trade of something that isn’t THE LIST-worthy, you will be publicly shamed.

Read more of The Triangle, Grantland’s sports blog.

Contact us at triangle@grantland.com