The Most Exciting Game on Super Bowl Sunday: A Recap

In Adam Silver’s first weekend as NBA commissioner, he managed to run just one insignificant game on Super Bowl Sunday, between two of the worst teams in the league. The impressive part is that these two horrible teams, neither of which had any intention of actually winning the game, managed to put on a more entertaining display than the Super Bowl.

In honor of this NBA milestone, I’ve decided to recap the game SUPER BOWL STYLE.

The Orlando Magic (13-36) squared off against the Boston Celtics (16-33) in a fierce battle of who can tank the hardest and with the least amount of shame. Welcome to TANKER BOWL 2014.


Pregame Keys to the Tank

Orlando: For the Magic, the biggest key to this tank is to allow Rajon Rondo to have access to any and all lanes for driving purposes. Also, it is pivotal for Orlando to allow Boston to always have a good step-and-a-half on them in cutting situations.

Boston: The Celtics need to ensure that Glen Davis is a key factor for Orlando. Nothing is more demoralizing than Davis ripping your defense to shreds. Making this believable is going to play a big factor in this tank, though.

Bonus Key for Orlando: Funnily enough, Orlando must also allow Davis to be a key factor for its team if it wants to seal this tank. The more you can convince Arron Afflalo to get the ball out of his own hands and into the hands of Davis, the better chance you have at tanking.

Game Highlights

In the end, the Magic were able to prevail in their tanking efforts because Rondo is being Rondo. Check out these ACTION-PACKED stats.

• Rondo had a season-high 19 bone-crushing points and 10 gut-wrenching assists. He shot 82 percent on 9-of-11 shooting to go along with six head-knocking rebounds.

Equally impressive was Jared Sullinger, who is turning into a bit of a force. Sully added 21 power-hitting points and 12 skull-stomping boards. Rondo and Sullinger are showing promising baby steps for the future. Certainly not the immediate future, as their priority is still failure, but the potential is exciting, at least more exciting than this year’s Super Bowl.

Commercial Highlight (Cost $45 per one-minute spot)

Halftime Entertainment (Bruno Who?)

Other Game Highlights

Sharing Bloodbath: Orlando’s points scored were fairly evenly distributed among its starters. Afflalo had 18, followed by Davis with 15, Nikola Vucevic with 14, Tobias Harris with 13, and Victor Oladipo with 12. Lots of sharing in Orlando. (More entertaining than the Super Bowl)

Full-Throttle Layup : The highlight of the game was a layup. (More entertaining than the Superbowl)

Blindly Launching the Ball Toward Whatever: Jeff Green and Oladipo combined for a 5-of-29 performance from the field. (More entertaining than the Super Bowl)

Killer Quote

“I just thought we played our game.” — Jared Sullinger (More entertaining than the Super Bowl)

Filed Under: Arron Afflalo, Boston Celtics, Glen Davis, Jared Sullinger, Jason Gallagher, NBA, Orlando Magic, Rajon Rondo

Jason Gallagher is the founder of and the cowriter of The Lockout: A Musical.

Archive @ jga41agher