The 40 Most Atlanta Things About the Falcons in ‘Hard Knocks,’ Episode Penultimate

I can’t believe it’s almost over. You trick yourself into thinking Hard Knocks — Real World: Atlanta is the same length as a Pretty Little Liars season (200 episodes). But it’s not. It’s five episodes, in five weeks. And then some “football season” begins, and everything ends.

We’re almost there. But not yet. So let’s enjoy this. Because Episode 4 was a masterpiece.

The 40 Most Atlanta Things That Happened in This Episode, Ranked

40. Matt Bryant’s fish tank.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.26.43 AM

39. Roddy White: “They working me too hard.”

38. Ricardo Allen, getting in trouble for something a coach saw him say on a previous episode of Hard Knocks.

37. Coach Keith Armstrong, saying “I got something for him” in response to a player underperforming.

36. Coach Keith Armstrong, in full preacher mode, referring to his players as selfish asses.

35. Coach Keith Armstrong, preaching, yelling, all in those sandals, while sitting in a swivel chair.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 9.57.05 AM

34. Coach Keith Armstrong, to Jacques Smith: “You ain’t good enough to be an asshole,” still wearing sandals, still swiveling.

33. This insult, said to Matt Ryan, about Cornell grad and backup quarterback Jeff Mathews.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.17.06 AM

32. Roddy White, to Steven Jackson: “Two or three years ago, when I didn’t really care about playing football, when I was just having fun.”

31. Roddy White, with a correction to Steven Jackson: “No, my first two or three years in the league.”

30. A flash flood at the practice facility.

29. The power going out at the practice facility.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.47.12 AM

28. Matt Ryan: “I just don’t want a tree to go through my car right now.”

27. Unknown person, during storm: “Y’all wanna do the ALS challenge?”

26. The Kroy Biermann–Kim Zolciak Biermann Complex

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.29.09 AM

25. Kroy Biermann’s tattered hat that says “Religion”

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.30.04 AM

24. Matt Ryan and William H. Moore, being boys.

23. Matt Ryan, getting his makeup done for a photo shoot.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.59.11 AM

22. Devonta Freeman, giggling at and falling in love with the woman who’s giving him his first pedicure.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 11.13.32 AM

21. “Boy, with everyone flying around we could be fucking stupid.” — William H. Moore

20. Bryan Cox, to Ra’Shede Hageman: “That’s fucking High School Harry bullshit.”

19. Ra’Shede Hageman, yawning while being punked by Bryan Cox:

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.09.18 AM

18. Julio Jones, catching the football and then running into the end zone.

17. “Hey Theo, get the fuck over here.”  Bryan Cox to Theo Agnew, the same Theo Agnew who followed Cox’s daughter on Instagram.

16. (Presented without comment.)

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.58.00 AM

15. The Joe Hawley–getting-in-a-fight-every-week-of–Hard Knocks montage, including footage of Bryan Cox calming the beast.

[protected-iframe id=”b148e243d96b5af7ecfb45373d9268d5-60203239-64539598″ info=”” width=”400″ height=”400″ frameborder=”0″]

14. William H. Moore, on Joe Hawley: “Joe came out here one day, said, ‘My mouth taste like ass.’ I looked back, he drinking coffee, eating dip, and eating sunflower seeds.”

13. After a beautiful segment on Joe Hawley and pottery, the narrator: “And others head to the outlet mall to work on their feet.”

12. These kids, freaking out over taking a picture with their favorite substitute science teacher, Matt Ryan.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 11.33.56 AM

11. Roddy White and Devin Hester losing their minds after a touchdown.

[protected-iframe id=”e6eeddb758aa75cc082fd7ebd49996d8-60203239-64539598″ info=”” width=”400″ height=”400″ frameborder=”0″]

10. This conversation between Osi Umenyiora and Travian Robertson:

Osi: “I love Oreos. That’s what I can’t stop eating.”

Travian: “You ever tried the lemon ones?”

Osi: “Where you find those at? You found lemon Oreos? Now let me ask you this, does it say ‘lemon’ like ‘lemon Oreos’?”

Travian: “Yeah.”

Osi: “Now what store is this at?”

Travian: “They just came out”

Osi: “Oh, they just came out. Brand new. I gotta stay away from those.” [Reflective pause.] “Man, them cookies is dangerous. I’m telling you. I can’t stop eating cookies.”

9. Osi Umenyiora, talking to someone else, after being called a “candy addict.”

“I am. Cookies, cakes, stuff like that.”

8. Osi Umenyiora, on Little Debbies:

“No, I don’t like Little Debbies. Can’t stand ’em, man. None of em. Not even the honey buns. But cookies, though? All day.

7. Coach Terry Robiskie, on Julio Jones and Roddy White: “Them two that everybody say is so pretty, I’mma get they motherfucking asses tomorrow. They pretty, they gonna get me fired, pretty-ass motherfuckers.”

6. Those words, coming out of this sweet face:

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.55.34 AM

5. The laughter from the back.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.55.52 AM


[protected-iframe id=”e4df7183282b0b768989a3f36d848e34-60203239-64539598″ info=”” width=”400″ height=”400″ frameborder=”0″]


Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 10.25.15 AM

2. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 11.15.17 AM

1. Bryan Cox, to Ra’Shede Hageman: “I think you’re going to be a good player, if you don’t let the streets of Atlanta get you.”


Filed Under: NFL, Atlanta Falcons, Rembert Browne, Hard knocks

Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert