I can’t believe it’s almost over. You trick yourself into thinking Hard Knocks — Real World: Atlanta is the same length as a Pretty Little Liars season (200 episodes). But it’s not. It’s five episodes, in five weeks. And then some “football season” begins, and everything ends.
We’re almost there. But not yet. So let’s enjoy this. Because Episode 4 was a masterpiece.
The 40 Most Atlanta Things That Happened in This Episode, Ranked
40. Matt Bryant’s fish tank.
39. Roddy White: “They working me too hard.”
38. Ricardo Allen, getting in trouble for something a coach saw him say on a previous episode of Hard Knocks.
37. Coach Keith Armstrong, saying “I got something for him” in response to a player underperforming.
36. Coach Keith Armstrong, in full preacher mode, referring to his players as selfish asses.
35. Coach Keith Armstrong, preaching, yelling, all in those sandals, while sitting in a swivel chair.
34. Coach Keith Armstrong, to Jacques Smith: “You ain’t good enough to be an asshole,” still wearing sandals, still swiveling.
33. This insult, said to Matt Ryan, about Cornell grad and backup quarterback Jeff Mathews.
32. Roddy White, to Steven Jackson: “Two or three years ago, when I didn’t really care about playing football, when I was just having fun.”
31. Roddy White, with a correction to Steven Jackson: “No, my first two or three years in the league.”
30. A flash flood at the practice facility.
29. The power going out at the practice facility.
28. Matt Ryan: “I just don’t want a tree to go through my car right now.”
27. Unknown person, during storm: “Y’all wanna do the ALS challenge?”
26. The Kroy Biermann–Kim Zolciak Biermann Complex
25. Kroy Biermann’s tattered hat that says “Religion”
24. Matt Ryan and William H. Moore, being boys.
23. Matt Ryan, getting his makeup done for a photo shoot.
22. Devonta Freeman, giggling at and falling in love with the woman who’s giving him his first pedicure.
21. “Boy, with everyone flying around we could be fucking stupid.” — William H. Moore
20. Bryan Cox, to Ra’Shede Hageman: “That’s fucking High School Harry bullshit.”
19. Ra’Shede Hageman, yawning while being punked by Bryan Cox:
18. Julio Jones, catching the football and then running into the end zone.
17. “Hey Theo, get the fuck over here.” — Bryan Cox to Theo Agnew, the same Theo Agnew who followed Cox’s daughter on Instagram.
16. (Presented without comment.)
15. The Joe Hawley–getting-in-a-fight-every-week-of–Hard Knocks montage, including footage of Bryan Cox calming the beast.
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14. William H. Moore, on Joe Hawley: “Joe came out here one day, said, ‘My mouth taste like ass.’ I looked back, he drinking coffee, eating dip, and eating sunflower seeds.”
13. After a beautiful segment on Joe Hawley and pottery, the narrator: “And others head to the outlet mall to work on their feet.”
12. These kids, freaking out over taking a picture with their favorite substitute science teacher, Matt Ryan.
11. Roddy White and Devin Hester losing their minds after a touchdown.
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10. This conversation between Osi Umenyiora and Travian Robertson:
Osi: “I love Oreos. That’s what I can’t stop eating.”
Travian: “You ever tried the lemon ones?”
Osi: “Where you find those at? You found lemon Oreos? Now let me ask you this, does it say ‘lemon’ like ‘lemon Oreos’?”
Osi: “Now what store is this at?”
Travian: “They just came out”
Osi: “Oh, they just came out. Brand new. I gotta stay away from those.” [Reflective pause.] “Man, them cookies is dangerous. I’m telling you. I can’t stop eating cookies.”
9. Osi Umenyiora, talking to someone else, after being called a “candy addict.”
“I am. Cookies, cakes, stuff like that.”
8. Osi Umenyiora, on Little Debbies:
“No, I don’t like Little Debbies. Can’t stand ’em, man. None of ’em. Not even the honey buns. But cookies, though? All day.
7. Coach Terry Robiskie, on Julio Jones and Roddy White: “Them two that everybody say is so pretty, I’mma get they motherfucking asses tomorrow. They pretty, they gonna get me fired, pretty-ass motherfuckers.”
6. Those words, coming out of this sweet face:
5. The laughter from the back.
4. WILLIAM H. MOORE ON HIS WILLIAM H. MOORE TRAMPOLINE
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3. WILLIAM H. MOORE, CUDDLING WITH HIS WILLIAM H. MOORE KID ON THE WILLIAM H. MOORE TRAMPOLINE
1. Bryan Cox, to Ra’Shede Hageman: “I think you’re going to be a good player, if you don’t let the streets of Atlanta get you.”
ONE WEEK LEFT. RISE UP, ATLANTA.