Not the Beak: Pierre the Pelican Retires in the Most Horrific Way Possible


(Image via @Nick_Pants)

In the grand tradition of terrible mistakes such as “Let’s do one more shot,” “That sounds like a fantastic investment opportunity,” and “I’ve enjoyed my time on NYPD Blue, but I want to explore film,” the New Orleans Pelicans officially deaded the original iteration of their mascot, Pierre, spectacularly ending his career in a grotesque fashion fitting his horrific life. Here, read this press release:

New Orleans Pelicans mascot, Pierre, suffered a broken beak on Saturday, Feb. 8 at the Pelicans Practice Facility during a pickup game of basketball with fellow NBA mascots … Later today, Pierre will have surgery at Ochsner Medical Center to reconstruct the broken beak. Pelicans Team Physician Dr. Mathew McQueen will perform the surgery.

“This will be a rather unconventional surgery for us. I am not sure we have something to compare this to,” said McQueen. “It will be quite complicated and will require the use of some unconventional tools and instruments to reconstruct his beak.”

GREAT IDEA. You know what would make this beast, ripped straight from a Flemish hellscape, just a little more scary? IMAGINING ITS BEAK GETTING OPERATED ON WITH UNCONVENTIONAL TOOLS.

I, for one, cannot wait for Pierre 2.0 to be released from the hospital. I’m sure it will be a lot more palatable for those who don’t want to spend our nights screaming for quick death into their pillows, lest the Bird Ghoul eat their souls. But there is a part of me — the part that really enjoys Texas Chainsaw Massacre — that hopes this “doctor” only makes Pierre more horrifying. Why not add some clumps of Barbie doll hair and half-eaten sardines, and then send him back out there. If I were on a visiting NBA team, I would happily take a DNP-Mental Health Decision any time I had to hit the Smoothie King. It could be a competitive advantage.

Filed Under: NBA, New Orleans Pelicans, Pierre the Pelican, Hell on Earth