Welcome back to the Sunday night fangball post-show. After slaying Christopher Meloni (good night, sweet ripped prince of SVU, humping frosty-cold fridges in a mellow-tone afterworld), a blood-freckled Russell Edgington is swiftly taken down and netted by The Authority’s own laser tag militia. Bill looks up to see that Eric has been staple-gunned to a post.

At the horrible fairy burlesque club/hookah bar/pop-up shop/vegan bakery/weed dispensary/live-work space, some pixies are attempting to determine the luminescence pH of Sookie’s fairy cave. Jason Stackhouse “ain’t been to fairy school or nothin’,” but even he knows this plotline is wack.

“Bauhaus is playing at my house, my house”

Two fairies escapees from a Baz Luhrmann movie tell Sookie she’s been leaking luminescence that she needs to plug, stat. They conduct a fairy auditing session that ends with a reveal that they are the Stackhouse fam’s secret supernatural guardians, and they have been running a wire on Sook this whole time. (But I guess not helping her?)

Sookie realizes she can run out her fairy meter on purpose, potentially granting her a second future as a full human and a life relatively more free of supernatural nuts searching to make her their mainline. She jumps on this idea and gets right to work setting up a meth lab in her trailer.

Possibly the creepiest image I have ever seen on True Blood

Andy gets grilled by the Mayberry task force while Sam sniffs around the back room looking for clues. He persuades the deputy to open a box and a creepy cluster of rubber Obama masks falls to the floor. Sam rolls around on the floor in an orgy of smells.

A guy rolls out of a pickup with a 24-pack and into the hut where Hoyt is posted up on the couch with some whiskey, a skull, and one of the aforementioned creepy Obama masks. His bearded friends try to convince him that vampires are the reason Hoyt’s life went to shit.

“You have no idea what it’s like standing next to a man this tall”

According to these dudes, humans are the oppressed group, robbed of their efficacy by guys in capes and gingers with fangs. Poor miserable Hoyt says he feels loved and accepted by the hate group in a way he never though possible. They call Jessica a whore and suggest she date-raped Hoyt by glamouring him and then glamoured him some more into catching feelings. He won’t agree, but when asked if he hates Jessica, Hoyt says absolutely yes.

Back at The Authority’s holding cell, Bill and Eric have spent too much time together. They beg Molly to explain why the iStake didn’t work on Russell. She rolls her eyes at them and continues Googling apace. One of the chancellors summons Bill and Eric to the lounge, where Russell is doing his one-man piano bar show.

“I do an incredible ‘Send in the Clowns'”

Russell taunts Eric about how he vampiremasculated him earlier. Eric goes off on his pseudo-sister for using their incestuous connection to further her own Lilith-pushing agenda. Salome confesses to digging up Russell’s crispy face. She does a not-very-convincing apology/recruitment speech that doesn’t work on the boys. Bill is pro-mainstreaming and Eric is anti-Lilith.

Big Dick Werewolf Richie is LARPing Road House with Rikki in a light-shafty barn in preparation for his fight with JD. He would rather do internal push-ups, but she wants to focus and even proposes he juice with V for the fight. He says no and gets back to flirty tussling until Martha walks in on them.

Joe Manganiello’s backdoor audition for a Dirty Dancing reboot

Arlene is watching a VHS tape of her wedding to Terry in a dark, dusty room with the blinds closed. Holly walks in and joins her. There are a bunch of taped testimonials from Bon Temps regulars. Arlene breaks down, saying that she “had it all” and now her husband is “crazy.” Holly reassures Arlene that he just has PTSD.

Jason brings Sookie brunch in her gruesome pink dollhouse bedroom so they can talk about the vampires who killed their fairy parents and share bacon while casually demonstrating a friendship built on years of non-sexual closeness like they’re in Love Streams.

“I ain’t gotta read your mind to see you looking at my tits, Sam”

Andy visits the old sheriff to ask for fatherly advice about how to catch the Apple Dumpling Hate Crime Gang, but Buddy just wants to bubble in a hot tub with his mistress. Lafayette visits his ex’s brujo grandaddy, Don Bartolo, in “Mexico” (a shack and some chickens) to find Don Bartolo looking at him from the other end of a gun.

Sookie nabs Sam from Luna’s bedside and makes him discuss how he feels about being a shifter. Sookie can’t stand to see any of her male harem get close with other women. She’s always dropping in to remind her various dudes how much longer she’s known them and re-up on unresolved sexual tension. It’s pretty selfish.

“I’m in Love With a Vampire Stripper”

Sam was once very idealistic about being a shifter and using his abilities to effect change, but now has a more pragmatic and, one might say, depressing take on things. Sookie doesn’t like this answer one bit. She was hoping he’d be like, “Hell yes I want to shuffle off this immortal coil.”

Tara is stripping at Fangtasia, which now seems like a veritable beacon of taste compared to the fairy club. Pam watches with crimped hair from her throne. Tara’s mom walks in on her, because this episode is all about your mom walking in on you doing something sexual. Tara’s mom disowns her and Tara assures her it won’t take. She fangs out and hops back up on the pole.

“Down in the Treme just me and my baby…”

At The Authority’s grotto, the new power trio of Salome, Nora, and Russell are pardoning Russell by way of Lilith. Nora spews hokum about Lilith’s blood while Salome retrieves it from the aquatic perfume counter. Faux Christoph Waltz calls it blasphemy, but his hopes for a filibuster are dashed as Russell bursts his head and then kicks some of the flesh into the moat.

Steve Newlin is a tay ina win. Salome licks a blood shot, then passes it around. Eric acts all macho about his tolerance for ancient vampire blood; cue the cut to the gang on Bourbon Street. Where’s the brothel that Karen Black and Toni Basil work at? Do vampires like to trip in mundane spaces the way normies trip in graveyards? Psychedelics have healed all rifts between Bill and Eric, who are locked in a piggyback ride through the strip.

“Piggy Rider”

Tara muses on the change she made making it rain blood and the damage incurred with her mother. Pam wants Tara to dump her real mom for a cool mom, namely Pam. Pam is a great drag mother, madame, and mentor rolled up in a fierce crimped leather package. Tara agrees and hugs Pam, who is cool but not warm.

Jesus’s sewed-up mouth sits on an altar while Don “Long Hair Don’t Care” Bartolo sews up Lafayette’s mouth. There is a pregnant woman giving Alien birth on the floor in a circle of candles, and garlic to keep vampires away. Don Bartolo accuses Lafayette of stealing Jesus’s magic and slides a blade across his forehead to draw brain blood for the woman giving birth (Bartolo’s wife) to drink. Very normal stuff.

New interior design ideas for the rustic-yet-modern brujo.

The pregnant woman springs up and stabs Don Bartolo to death. She picks out Lafayette’s lip stitches with the bloody knife. At the barn, a war between vampires and humans is being foretold by werewolf JD, who has listened to “Helter Skelter” too many times. He hands out vials of V to all the weres, including puppy Emma. This is the straw that finally breaks Martha’s view of JD.

The happy hate-crime gang heads out into the night, Hoyt putting on an Obama mask in the back of the truck. Sam is pulled out of Luna’s hospital room by a nurse. He follows a smell toward a guy in blue scrubs and tackles him. It’s the bearded dude from the Hate Club. Sam asks why they couldn’t have done something healthy with their anger, like start a hardcore band.

“Fremde, etranger, stranger.”

Meanwhile in New Orleans, a Trudy Campbellish girl is murdering “You Light Up My Life” at couples karaoke. The party gets broken up by the flock of vampires, specifically Russell on the mic, as the show goes full-tilt camp for the billionth time. This is the best class trip ever!

Terry and Noel from Felicity remind us they still exist and their dumb smoke monster plotline has led them to The Field Of Climax. The smoke monster cackles at their misfortune, and Noel dissuades Terry from killing himself by saying “suicide is for Muslims.” Blech. I was worried I was watching The Newsroom for a hot minute.

“I mean 4 real r u kidding me?”

Jessica is explicitly attending to a stranger’s upper thighs when Jason rolls up to her door. She throws on a kimono and plays innocent. Jason is drunk and wants to pour his heart out about his parents’ death. Jessica presumably wants to get back to business but knows Jason is too delicate to handle their open relationship.

Sookie flashes back through memories of vampire stuff and fairy stuff. She is pissed as hell and aims her fairy beams into the night sky in the hopes of running down the beam. Her fairy lasers seem to have a kind of blacklight effect.

“eaux.”

Jessica tries to misdirect Jason by making out with him, but he notices that she has some other dude’s blood all over her mouth. Jason is understandably less than thrilled about this turn of events, and starts looking around the house for the other man. Rather than attacking the guy, he shoots Jessica in the head. So much for ‘shipping those two ever again, I guess!

The Authority descends on the scene just in time to watch Jessica toss Jason out on his ass. The Stackhouse siblings are awfully violent lately. Jason stomps off toward an explosion of fairy light in the field. Good luck explaining to your sister why you would possibly have shot your ex-girlfriend in the face, idiot.

I know it is Eric. I know it is.

At the Bourbon Street bar, the vamps have fed on every human in the place and are still going just because they’re already in so deep. A single drop of superblood hits the floor and materializes into the goddess Lilith soaked in blood, because why wouldn’t that happen?

Lilith shakes off the blood and walks around naked giving adjustments to the vamp gang as they get a seventh wind of bloodlust. Eric’s maker, Godric, appears as a pale ghost and begs Eric to reconsider this whole Lilith gang kill-’em-all thing. Eric makes a horrified face. Is it because he agrees with Godric or is he just overwhelmed by naked vampire goddess? I’m going to go ahead and pretend that it could be ambiguous.