Things Not to Do When Engaging Rick Ross in a Criminal Conspiracy
Yesterday, Rick Ross released a music video for “Yella Diamonds,” a standout banger from his roundly excellent mixtape Rich Forever. It’s a low-budget affair, keeping in line with the traditional customs of the mixtape track video. (I’m just theorizing here, but it doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility that Gunplay, the member of Ross’s old forgotten Triple C’s crew present in the background, was doing double time in the director’s chair). More important for our purposes is the fact that this video actually provides quite a good bit of instructional information as to how to behave if you happen to find yourself in the enviable position of co-drug dealing with Rozay. A few lessons:
- DO NOT cut the dope and start selling it as “yella diamonds.” (So named because whatever product it’s being mixed with is coloring it, one presumes. Guys, come on, it’s not a big deal — I, much like all white people, have seen my share of fictional drug interactions).
- If Rozay calls you up and accuses you of selling his pure uncut stuff as “yella diamonds,” DO NOT say, “Yo soy el que manda aqui acere!” According to a Spanish-English translator I found online, it means, “I am the One who governs here acere,” which, come on, you can see how that would piss anyone off, let alone a hot-tempered rapper who’s just been crossed. And DEFINITELY don’t add on, “I’m goin to be RICH FOREVER too so fuck you, GORDITO.” The often shirtless Ross probably laughed off the “GORDITO” line, but using the name of his own mixtape against him? You messed up, Papi.
- DO NOT hide the money in the stove. The stove?! Come on, Papi, you know Ross and his goons would have found that even without an old-fashioned home invasion. Next time try digging a hole in your backyard and then building a tree house over it.
- NEVER fuck with a dude who has enough swag to shoot a whole music video in which he stunts in front of a Ms. Pac Man machine. Just. Don’t. Do it.