The Wandering Eye of Justin “Trousersnake” … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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Justin and Jessica Biel: CAN SHE TRUST HIM? The formerly womanizing Justin “Trousersnake” is doing a 180 for love, having proposed to Jessica Biel. “Can one idyllic trip offset four years of heartbreak and drama?” The couple “split last spring in the wake of reported infidelities on his part.” Biel’s friends are skeptical that Justin will clean up his act. She gave him an ultimatum and he “came back to her with his hat in his hands.” (Was it the hat he wore in the video for “Like I Love You”? That guy has a LOT of hats.) “She laid down the law: aisle or exit.” After that, “it was understood that he was going to propose.” She is not stupid about the stakes: “Everybody knows Justin has a wandering eye.” But she ignored it “because she really wanted to stay with him.” Timberlake, ever the charmer, told her “he wants to make this work too.” Jessica won’t put up with Justin’s skeevy FutureSex/LoveCrap this time around. “There is no way Jessica will deal with his straying eye now that they’re engaged. You are going to see some changes from Justin.” Can we just hear some fucking MUSIC please, JT? Some people Justin may have banged or tried to bang, some while he was dating Jessica: Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Olivia Munn, Kate Hudson, Ciara, and Rihanna. “Then of course there are his layman conquests.” Biel “struggles with his flirting, but loves him so much.” Justin “seems to have all the power and is treating Jessica like a doormat. Often a week will go by without seeing him. He’s calling all the shots. But she’s taking what she can get &#8212 and the one thing she wants is to be his wife &#8212 at any cost.” Timberlake “really loves Jessica, but he just can’t stay monogamous.” Ah c’mon, CAN’T or WON’T? “Basically his brain and his penis operate separately, and the brain proposed to her.” So on their wedding night all she gets is brain?

What Cameron Diaz Thinks: As a sidebar to the main story, “Cameron never wanted to marry Justin.” Suuuuuuuure. “But she’s shocked he proposed. She knows too well Justin is a dog.” They broke up in ’07 and “he soon took up with Biel.” She encountered them as a couple for the first time at a Golden Globes party and screamed, “Is this your new fucking girlfriend?” Another source claims “she’s happy for them.” (Cameron Diaz may not be having the best week of her life, as best friend “Drew Barrymore had a 4-carat surprise” she wanted to show off during a Hollywood Hills dinner party. Drew’s art consultant boyfriend Will Kopelman “had slipped a radiant-cut rock on her finger.”)

Stars on Pre-Fame Service Jobs:

    “A shrimp costs minimum wage!” &#8212 Chris Rock (Red Lobster)
    “I always went with banana, because it was thinner.” &#8212 Megan Fox (smoothie shop mascot)
    “I was not a great employee.” &#8212 Rachel McAdams (McDonald’s)

Kardashian Secrets: Khloe is not a real Kardashian! “Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his. Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him.” He confessed “that around the time Khloe was conceived, he and Kris were not even sleeping together.” But Robert “never would have considered a DNA test. He loved her very much.” Meanwhile, “Bruce [Jenner] is a cross-dresser!” Former wife Ellen “claims that Bruce Jenner, 62, has a secret fetish for wearing women’s clothing, shoes, and lingerie!” Kris Jenner knows and doesn’t give a fuck. “He continued cross-dressing for years after they wed.” Khloe figured it out while babysitting one night. “She got into her mother’s room, and it was a totally separate closet. And she went in there and found a whole wardrobe.” She knew something was up because “my mother doesn’t wear a size 14 shoe.” Ellen Kardashian (Robert’s widow) says that when Robert was diagnosed with cancer, “Kim had called him at his office and told him he was cheap because he wouldn’t give Khloe a car. I mean, he was dying.” Yikes. Despite attempts to keep the kids grounded and humble, “they always wanted more. Something more expensive, a better car. He always tried to tell them that it wasn’t everything in life.”

Ryan Gosling Ready to Propose to Eva Mendes: “Even though Ryan is considered one of the hottest men in Hollywood and has dated such stunning stars as Sandra Bullock and Rachel McAdams, he hasn’t met anyone he wants to settle down with &#8212 until now.” The 31-year-old Gosling “can’t wait to pop the question,” but “Eva may well be the one woman on the planet who’d say no.” I dunno, seems like she’s on point to me. Dude seems high-maintenance as hell. “Though she’s all for long-term relationships, Eva has no interest in getting hitched, calling marriage ‘very old-fashioned.'” Ah yes, the Angelina Jolie defense. “Eva’s a great girlfriend. But she has no intention of being anyone’s wife.” Or is it that she doesn’t want to be anyone’s mother? “Eva told Ryan that she loves him but will never change her mind about getting married or having kids.” She split with her producer ex George Augusto after 10 years because “the baby issue was a deal breaker.” Ryan Gosling presses on “but sadly, even Hollywood’s hottest actor can’t always get what he wants.”

Justin Theroux Walks Out on Jennifer Aniston!
“Jennifer Aniston thought she’d be ringing in 2012 engaged to Justin Theroux,” but over the holidays he “stormed out of their New York apartment” following a gigantic fight. “Ironically the fight began because Jen wants more of a commitment.” She expected a proposal for New Year’s, and when she was given “a generic purse” instead, “a humiliated and disappointed Jen realized they weren’t on the same page.” She should just leave out this article for him (subtle!). Justin “exploded” and said “he couldn’t take the nagging any longer.” Instead of talking it over “he packed his bags and dumped her for several days. And in an instant, Jen’s baby and wedding dreams were shattered.” He crashed on the Lower East Side at a friend’s place (Terry Richardson?) until he felt calmer. “Jen feels she’s putting so much into the relationship and Justin should commit to her, but she should be careful about putting him under too much pressure.” Getting dumped by Justin would be “embarrassing and emotionally devastating” for “famously jilted Jen” and she is willing to do anything to keep him. They spent New Year’s in Telluride with Jen’s pal Chelsea Handler. “The honeymoon period is over. And Jen &#8212 and her expectations &#8212 may be largely to blame.” She tried too hard “to mold Justin from a rebellious hipster into her perfect life mate” and he “is clearly beginning to resent Jen’s controlling behavior.” After her very public divorce, “she’s sick and tired of the dating scene. She doesn’t want a boyfriend. She wants a husband.” But Justin is even more stubborn and “doesn’t back down.” Constant fights and Justin’s coldness are discouraging and scary to Jen. “After losing Brad, it’s hard for her to believe that anything lasts forever.” Jen is dying to ditch Hollywood. “She’s seen the bitter side of Hollywood and is quite tired of it. She wants to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.”

Adele’s New Boyfriend: “At last the queen of heartbreak has a man who treats her right.” He is a bearded, hood-wearing hottie named Simon Konecki. She “looked anything but lovelorn” on “an airboat for an alligator-spotting tour in Florida’s Everglades” (BEST DATE EVER!). “He was always hugging her and making sure she was taken care of. She looked really happy.” Her dreadful ex “was a moocher, and he liked her only because of her fame and the perks.” The 23-year-old singer “was introduced to the nonprofit CEO, late last year.” He is a verified “nice guy and would never use her. He likes her for who she is.” Does he have any single friends for Cameron Diaz?

Katy Perry’s Parents Want to Set Her Up with Tim Tebow: “If her parents have any say in the matter, Katy Perry will spend her future Sundays going to church and watching football &#8212 because Mom and Dad want holy, hunky NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to be her next husband!” Katy’s mom thinks “Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter. He’s handsome, charming, intelligent, and above all, a good Christian.” Her friends laugh off the idea. “They’d make a hot couple for sure. But Katy’s always been attracted to bad boys.”

Eight Things You Didn’t Know About Felicity Huffman

    • “I can yodel.”
    • “My mother almost named me Octavia.”
    • “I am anxious all the time.”
    • “After 9 p.m. I become a drooling idiot.”
    • “I had a painful crush on my husband William H. Macy for a year before he even glanced at me. I finally had to skinny-dip in front of him to get his attention.”
    • “I thought Miami was a state.”
    • “I laugh when people fall down.”
    • “I once found myself in the middle of a gunfight in NYC. I wasn’t hit, but the police advised me to get out of town for a bit. I did.”


Best Pix: Betty White petting a tiny dog made out of cake, Harrison Ford at a Whole Foods.
Actual Story: “NAME OF THE WEEK: Ethel”
Misc/Inane: “G.I. Jolie-Pitt?” “she and love Ryan Seacrest rode the waves” “Babe, don’t you want to be sure there’s no oil on it?” “is it Biebs?” “Nick loves to take photos, especially of her” “You don’t know who you’re going to end up with” “confetti and balloons everywhere, rose petals on the floor” “and tried to pay with a $100 bill!” “Tina Fey and her hubby Jeff Richmond, laughing during a double date with Jon Hamm and his girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt.” “Jason Statham checking out Swedish House Mafia.” “a li’l nanny on call” “Should Maria Take Arnold Back? 78% say no.” “Aside from logos and busy patterns we were free to wear what we wanted.” “boutique teacup puppies” “She’s just very serious about being in love.” Mark Wahlberg on settling down: “I’ve got everything I want.”


Best Pix: Kim Kardashian with an actual leopard, Anjelica Huston on a pool noodle.
Actual Story: “New Year…NEW BOOBS?”
Misc/Inane: “Nothing says sexy like helmets and puffy pants!” “He’s partying to numb his emotional pain.” “The Biebs: I won’t sing about sex &#8212 YET” “His drug and alcohol abuse got so bad that he had to have eight inches of his colon removed.” “Cuba Gooding Jr. sipping sangria at Pink Taco.” “His friends are shocked that he is getting married.” “He’s a cool Malibu surfer type, she’s a pale rocker from Canada.” “chowing down on pork ribs” Adele: “If they make me laugh, I’m in bed.” “They’ve had a strange relationship, often spending weeks apart.” “Yea so I smoked a joint with Johnny Depp in the cig section” “she’s old-fashioned when it comes to wanting the man to take charge.” “It seemed impossible to find a sitcom that’s worse than Whitney, but here it is” (on Are You There, Chelsea?)


Best Pix: Lourdes Ciccone snowboarding, Mischa Barton’s unshaved armpits.
Actual Story: “Facelift at 40?”
Misc/Inane: “Bongo flava!” “At least she can order the dog to stay!” “Fergie has said 2012 might be the year she has a baby, but it looks like she already has one in husband Josh Duhamel” “Tom loves to see Katie sweat.” “SHE’S SO LONELY” “Kim was whining that she misses their sex life” “is unlikely Casanova Jason Sudeikis the new David Spade?” “Marc’s new girlfriend has youth on her side” “Drew Barrymore has never appeared particularly lovelorn” “Katy prays for Russell to come back” “IT’S TWINS … AGAIN!” “Pax loves his toy guns, and the guns are becoming longer and bigger.” “pizza-shaped sleeping bag” “Everyone knows that being a woman isn’t easy.” “Where’s her booty?”


Best Pix: Guy Fieri promoting his new line of jewelry.
Actual Story: “Should moms give daughters plastic surgery as a gift?”
Misc/Inane: “You’re my experience” “Zoe and Bradley are just geeks who happen to be really good looking.” “maximum hottitude lists” “visions of long steamy nights bobbed in our head.” “their book group sessions have been the biggest turn-on” “She figured they’d be hitting all the clubs and parties, staying out drinking and dancing, having sex on the balconies of five-star hotels.” “He loves watching her dance, finds ballet incredibly sensual.” “positively transfixed by the glittery gyrations” “mile-wide smile and umbilical bling” “who stole Jessica’s baby weight?” “He’s tiny and falls asleep on my shoulder.” “I’ve come to the realization that I’m never going to meet another woman as special and amazing as the one I have and I think she’s finally succumbed to my pressure and will take me.” “All I want is big knockers like JWoww.” “She looks like a little hooker with eye makeup.”

Molly Lambert is a Grantland staff writer.

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Filed Under: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Chris Rock, Eva Mendes, Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake, Megan Fox, Molly's Magazines, Ryan Gosling, Star, Tabloids

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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