The 90210 Yalta Conference … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids

Michael Tran/Getty Images 90210 Original Cast


The Women of Beverly Hills 90210 Are BFFs: “The scene was perfectly set for a showdown. Shannen Doherty had just marched into Jennie Garth’s 40th birthday bash sporting killer boots and her trademark smirk — looking every inch like Brenda Walsh at her fiercest.” YES. “The Beverly Hills 90210 vets, once such mortal enemies that costar Tori Spelling claimed they had a fistfight, strode toward each other and … hugged.” Hugged?! Reunited and acting “just like real friends,” the former “Kelly and Brenda have called a cease-fire to their 20-year war.” Why now? “A Doherty pal attributes the bonding to the simple matter of growing up — and feeling nostalgic for the Peach Pit days: ‘It’s like high school friends that you fought with but now love. They’re a big part of your past.'” OK, sure. “Shannen and Tori were in New York doing press, and they were warm. The ’90s were a long time ago.” They sure were. At least they all still hate that bitch Valerie (Tiffani Thiessen).

Things You Don’t Know About Ice-T (Excerpts):

  • “I love grape Kool-Aid”
  • “As a kid, I dreamed of being a bank robber”
  • “My favorite artist is Prince”
  • “If I could time travel, I’d go to the Roaring ’20s”
  • “I love all kinds of cereal”
  • “My most embarrassing moment was getting diarrhea while performing at a concert.”
  • “Harvey Keitel is my favorite actor.”
  • “I prefer to be indoors.”
  • “The first famous person I met was my neighborhood crime boss.”
  • “I hate slow internet load times.”
  • “I think I look like an armadillo.”

Sarah Silverman Discusses The Bachelor: “Twenty-five women in JCPenney prom dresses, fully grown, going, ‘He took us to a castle!’ No, he didn’t. Producers procured a castle. And there’s 25 of you. That’s how special you aren’t.”

Lindsay Lohan a Mess on the Glee Set: Lohan was “six hours late to shoot her guest appearance (as herself!) on Glee,” and “this was after a crew member went to the Chateau Marmont to get her.” She “retreated to her trailer every five seconds” and “was meant to shoot for five days, but they changed the script so they were done with her in two!” She was also in attendance at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where she “texted almost the entire time.”

Life Advice From Martina McBride: “Girls, go out and experience life — but be careful! I think back to how naïve and reckless I was when I was first on my own. So here’s what I’m preaching: Don’t accept a drink from a stranger. Don’t walk to your car alone in a parking garage. I worry!”

Kim Kardashian on Twitter Bullies: “Someone without a photo will say I’m fat or a hairy Armenian, and I’ll write back, ‘Oh, that egg picture of yours is so gorgeous!'”

Misc/Etc: “I hope I only gain 15” “Angie admits she doesn’t have female friends” “I fired my dentist and hired Cheech and Chong!” “You want a little critter” “That was aggressive” “Y’ALL CAN HAVE MY TESTICLES!” “I married way out of my pay grade” “way to wet her whistle” “viral video shoot” “It was fun to have a fake argument” “He’s the kind of guy you marry” “gravitates toward dynamic women” “He’s either deeply in love or he’s on to the next thing” “She loved that she got this guy who everyone thought was hot!” “Clooney went stag” “guns blazing in tight dresses” “Drunken one-night stands. Near-death experiences. Dirtbags getting their tires slashed after cheating with bleached-blonde tramps.”


Angelina Humiliated by Brad’s Love Letters to an Ex: “Brad’s ex, Jill Schoelen, 49, is speaking out about the deep love they shared and the racy letters Angelina didn’t even know existed.” To wit, Schoelen, who dated Pitt in the late ’80s, says: “Brad wrote me one of the most beautiful poems a man can write a woman. I thought he was so deep and soulful.” A source says, “Brad was a hopeless romantic when he was younger. He was madly in love with Jill and opened himself up to her completely. He was consumed with her and poured his heart out in those letters. He wrote things that would make any woman’s legs go weak.” A taste of those things: “I adore you. I will love you forever. I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t feel complete without you next to me.” Jill went on to break Brad’s heart when she dumped him for “the director of a horror flick she was shooting in Hungary.” Brad remembers getting dumped as if it were yesterday. “It was one of my worst moments. You don’t forget something like that, and maybe I’ve never quite gotten over the feeling of humiliation.” He admits it “may have affected the way I’ve conducted relationships since.”

Larry David Flees Fan Frenzy: “Turns out Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David is just as strange in real life as he is on-screen. When a teenage fan spotted the crotchety comedian at a mall in Calabasas he flat-out ‘refused to give her an autograph.’ The spurned fan says, ‘I told him I was a big fan and that he was so funny, but he just kept shushing me and backing away. It was so weird.'” SHUSH. “Then the oddball dashed down a grungy alley between stores, screaming behind him, ‘Stop following me!’ to the group of disappointed teens.'”

Josh Hutcherson, 19, Nonstop Party Boy:Hunger Games star Josh Hutcherson has skyrocketed to stardom thanks to his hit film. But friends fear he’s about to throw it all away.” A source says, “He’s a kid but parties like a pro.” Hutcherson “looked wasted” at a Nylon party in West Hollywood. “He was drinking like a fish. He was glassy-eyed and unsteady on his feet.” He “kept the party going the next night at Beacher’s Madhouse in Hollywood, where he hooked up with a stranger. Josh didn’t care who saw him with this girl.” He was apparently “just as wild at Coachella,” where “at one party, he was a mess, dancing by himself, sweating and grinding his teeth.” Keep dancing on your own, Peeta!

Howard Stern vs. Howie Mandel: “Howie is a huge diva, and his feathers have been ruffled ever since Howard came into the picture. Howie is irked at how Howard has taken over. Howard is greeted with rock star-like adulations at auditions, and it leaves Howie feeling unappreciated.” How about you blow up a latex glove on your head, see if it helps? “Howie is livid that producers have relocated the show to New York to accommodate Howard’s SiriusXM radio show. What annoys Howie the most is that Howard acts like he doesn’t even care about the show. He doesn’t try very hard, yet he’s been the biggest draw at auditions. Howie and Howard have two of the biggest egos in showbiz, so it’s inevitable that they’d clash.” America’s got problems!

Jonah Hill Falls Asleep in a Press Conference: “Jonah Hill fell dead asleep during a press junket for 21 Jump Street. His head was bobbing and you could hear him snore. The reporter woke him and joked that he needed coffee, trying to make light of an awkward situation.”

Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O’Neal’s Love Story: According to O’Neal, Fawcett was still married to Lee Majors when O’Neal and Fawcett first met at a Hollywood party. Nevertheless, she grabbed his arm and said, “Come with me. She marches me up the stairs to the bathroom and, without even bothering to even lock the door, sits me on the toilet and makes love to me.”

Lea Michele and Cory Monteith: The Glee twosome are moving in together. “Lea is telling everyone she’s never felt more sure about anything. She’s ready for it all, starting with living together and planning their future.” Monteith seems to be waffling. “He’d prefer to maintain the status quo in their relationship. But she wouldn’t take no for an answer, and he’s sick of his roommate situation, so he’s going along with it.” Lea Michele “may be headed for heartbreak, since she’s hoping for a permanent commitment.” She might be getting ahead of herself, since Cory was spotted getting “frisky with a mystery babe” while skiing in Mammoth. But “his wandering eye may not be the biggest problem.” Monteith “complains that Lea smothers him. Many friends worry the relationship is doomed because she’s so bossy and Cory is so chill. They say opposites attract, but Lea’s intensity is overwhelming.”

Misc/Etc: “Her breasts look like inflated balloons” “palmed beach balls” “the dashing actor ditched his jeans and beanies” “Katy Perry saluted the troops” “a dramatic fur” “bigger bustline gives the dress a bar-wench feel” “she has zero romantic interest in him” “party princesses wearing crowns of flowers in their hair” “fight that troublesome midsection” “she thinks he’s creepy” “cozying up to an unknown brunette” “it’s just hooking up for now” “he doesn’t seem like the cougar type” “mental and physical cruelty” “tiny calf” “he gets sick of being her butler” “if the phone rings and it’s a girl’s voice, I have to ask him if he’s having an affair” “as smelled on” “pop princess’ knight on a white horse” “a color redheads don’t traditionally wear”

In Touch

Trouble in Jay-Z & Beyoncé’s Marriage? “As he danced and flirted with beautiful women, Jay-Z hardly looked like a married man — and new father.” As he partied at Catch in New York with Diddy and Swizz Beatz, “he had several girls at his table and offered all of them drinks.” With “Beyoncé nowhere in sight,” he chatted up “a gorgeous brunette” as he “dropped more than $20,000 at the club. He was in a great mood.” But the never-angry-in-public-except-when-she’s-performing Beyoncé is less than thrilled. “As the rapper’s boozy nights on the town become more and more frequent, and exhausted Beyoncé is burning the midnight oil on baby duty.” Yes, I’m sure they don’t have any night nurses. “Fed up with Jay-Z’s wild ways, the normally peaceful pair recently had a blowout fight in front of friends. She said she was tired and needed his help. She was sick of having sleepless nights while he was out having fun.” While Jay promised to chill out, he was back at the club a few days later. “He arrived at 1 a.m. and said he wanted to rage.” Hasn’t Bey heard “Do It Again”? Jay is headed out on his European tour soon, which gives Knowles more reasons to fret. “Beyoncé lives in fear that her marriage could end in tatters. She sees this perfect life she built with Jay-Z and wonders if she set herself up to fail.”

Kim and Kanye: “He may have a reputation for being a hip-hop bad boy, but as Kanye West entered Chanel’s Tribeca Film Festival Artists Awards Dinner in New York with his new girlfriend Kim Kardashian on his arm, the rapper seemed like a changed man.” He supposedly “helped Kim out of the car and didn’t let go of her hand the entire night. He acted polite and protective.” Is this really “the same notorious loudmouth” and “player who’s been publicly accused of cheating by an ex-girlfriend?” Well, yeah. “Beneath that charming exterior, Kanye is still the same old Kanye. And Kim’s about to get her heart broken yet again.” As Kanye might ad-lib, HUNHHH? “He may be spoiling her and treating her like a princess. But he hasn’t changed. It’s all a lie.” Insiders claim “the star’s one true love is himself, and he’s just using this relationship to repair his wrecked reputation.” To be fair, the very same could be said of Kim. Who will fuck it up first? The money is still on West. “Kanye can’t control himself. It will only be a matter of time before he cracks.” And then we’ll get an awesome new Kanye album out of it.

Angelina Hates Brad’s Ring: She ditched her new ring during a serious meeting with the foreign minister of Ecuador. “Everyone knows engagement rings are meant to be worn always.” Angie took it off because “she isn’t fond of it. Nothing against Brad’s design. She’s just never been enamored of white diamonds.” She was hoping for something less traditional. “Emeralds are her favorite,” and Brad’s choice of a 10-carat diamond “shows how little he knows her. Of course her hissy fit over the ring shows a lot about her, as well.”

Misc/Etc: “Yeah! White Diamonds! Vaseline the lens!” “unkempt locks and general laid-backness” “must compete sexually with a woman from his past” “an erotic novel by Kevin Federline’s aunt” “she used to consume only one bowl of cereal and one bowl of salad” “before she starts looking too pregnant” “bad-boy baby daddy” “a locale nearly romantic enough to erase the heartache” “you give us so many different flavors” “two peacocks running around spreading their feathers in order to attract the same female!” “Britney, 30, was often naked in front of him” “he’s perfected the bit about powerful guys dating hot supermodel types!” “hers has no shape and just looks like a sausage” “all of the normal architecture for the upper lip is wiped on this one” “earlier fashion flops” “addicted to Hoarders” “LOL? More like TMI!”


Did Taylor Swift Get a Boob Job? “While sources in Taylor’s camp deny that the sweet songbird opted for implants, she does seem to look a bit bustier. But perhaps Taylor simply upped her cups with a better bra, as we all know a Wonderbra can work wonders! As far as her body goes, she’s got her insecurities like any other girl. But she’s not a little girl anymore, and she definitely loves to feel sexy.” Unless it might lead to any actual sex.

The Love Song of DJ Pauly D: “I have all this stuff, but no girl to share it with.”

Ashton Kutcher Inadvertently Disses Himself: “If you’re an asshole offline, you’re probably an asshole online.”

Jen and Justin: “Jennifer Aniston has told Justin Theroux that she’ll drop him like a bad habit if he continues his way-too-close-for-comfort relationship with his sexy ex-girlfriend, Heidi Bivens!” Poor Jen. “Jen’s had it. As if it’s not enough that she’s getting grief over the Brangelina engagement, with everyone pointing out that she’s still childless and husband-less, now she’s still got this hangover from Justin’s past haunting her!” The couple settled in L.A. partially because Jen wants to get Justin as far away from Heidi as possible. “She told him he had to decide between her or Heidi and it caused a huge bust-up between them. Jen will not be made a fool of again, and she feels like Justin carrying on with Heidi is just setting her up for a fall. Jen doesn’t believe he thinks of Heidi like a sister, even though Justin keeps insisting upon it. How does a woman go from being with a guy for 14 years, gets dumped, and is now his best pal? It doesn’t work like that.”

Misc/Etc: “embellished lemon” “jumpsuits are hot” “a splash of strawberry” “assertive son” “his bulging guns with veins” “brutal tour of duty” “a staggering array of A-listers” “She has the soul of a poet and that’s cool.” “intimate sushi” “She’s like a sensitive, sullen teenager, my little canine Tori Amos, and I dig it” “the California Avocado Festival!” “horseback riding, dining at the local inn” “the girl who always fantasized about being a mother at the center of a large, boisterous family” “tempting her with profiteroles” “not at all showbizzy” “while the marriage flopped, the party was an off-the-chain success” “giving her pal a leggy lap dance” “I’m rebellious in my intellectual fierceness!” “the business savvy teen pimp”

Filed Under: Angelina Jolie, Ashton Kutcher, Beyonce, Brad Pitt, Glee, Jay Z, Jennie Garth, Jennifer Aniston, Jonah Hill, Justin theroux, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Larry David, Lindsay Lohan, Molly's Magazines, Sarah Silverman, Star, Tabloids, Taylor Swift, The Bachelor, Us Weekly

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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