Kourtney & Kim Take New York Recap: All About Kris

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Last night, America was blessed with the second episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York‘s second season. I was asked to thoroughly analyze everything about the first two installments, from the cringe-inducing, soon-to-collapse marriage of socialite Kim Kardashian and NBA free agent Kris Humphries to a variety of other scattered subplots. Here’s what I came up with.

Episode 1:
Kim and Kris, and Kourtney, Scott, and their son Mason move in together.
Kourtney gets an oil enema and then proceeds to leak on Kim’s bed.
Kris shaves Scott’s armpits.
Scott gets drunk.
Scott moves out.
Kourtney hires an in-house naked male yoga instructor for the girls.
Kris moves to Minnesota.

Episode 2:
Kourtney, Khloe, and Mason go to the Hamptons.
Kim calls Khloe a “dumb evil little effing troll” via text.
Kim visits Kris in Minnesota.
Kim convinces Kris to come back to New York.
Kourtney throws out Scott’s mom’s “ugly” stuff.
Scott and Kourtney go on reconciliation date.
Kim and Khloe ignore each other.

You’ll have to excuse me for rushing through the juicy details, but everything in this show has taken a backseat to the child that refers to himself as “Kris Humphries.” I’ve been updating my “least favorite humans” list since high school, but the top spot usually flip flops between the ex-Mayor of Detroit Kwame Kilpatrick and Heat guard Eddie House. But after my two-episode peak into Kris’ “reality,” he will undoubtedly become a permanent figure on this list.

I must admit, I’ve never been caught off guard like this. I missed all the tell-tale signs that he was going to be miserable. I know it’s a very natural reaction to want to blame Kim for everything, but I only blame her for giving Kris Humphries the time of day.

Things I knew about Kris Humphries before watching the show:

0-time NBA All-Star

Things I know about Kris Humphries after watching the show:

He’s Delusional, Part I:
He tells Kim he can’t stay in New York any longer because he can’t focus on his “workouts” there. After a quick glimpse of his strenuous fitness regimen, this is laughable, as that I’ve worked up more of a sweat watching other people play Wii Tennis. Really Kris, you can’t find a place in New York City to work out? While I know money is tight and a fancy gym might be out of the question, I happen to know that Boom Fitness is five blocks away from your swanky Park Avenue suite, and at $19.99/month they’re basically begging people to join. Also, let us not forget that you’re Kris Humphries. You have to earn the right to remove yourself from the chaos of the world in order to focus. When Kanye decided to flee to Hawaii to record My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, that was OK because he’s earned to right to do things like that. If Waka Flocka Flame, on the other hand, claimed that he could record Lebron Flocka James 3 only in a hut atop a mountain in Nepal, the world would throw a challenge flag. Kris, stop pretending like you’ve made six classic albums.

He’s a Hater:
One of the reasons he claims he needs to leave New York is Mason, Scott and Kourtney’s child, citing early-morning crying and poop smells. But I don’t believe that for a second. Mason is the man of the house and that doesn’t sit well with Kris. When Mason does things, people are happy. When Kris does things, they are dumb and no one likes them. Mason is dripping with charisma, something Kris is completely devoid of. Kim shows Mason affection and Mason reciprocates. When Kim tries this on Kris, however, he panics, has a mental breakdown, and then goes with his default cyborg response of “You are my wife.” I have no problem with being a hater, but making an enemy out of a toddler is pretty low.

He Doesn’t Know What Marriage Is
I should preface this by telling you that I don’t really know what marriage is either. But I’m not the one with a wife. I’ve never met anyone less prepared for marriage than Kris. He treats Kim the way I treat my LinkedIn account: I signed up, but now that I have it, I only check in when nagged about it. Also, I can’t figure out why everyone takes it so seriously. If it were socially acceptable, I’d delete it and pretend that it never happened.

He’s Delusional, Part II:
Kris, you somehow convinced Kim Kardashian to marry you. Things like this weren’t supposed to happen to you. But then you started to believe that you deserved good things and had the nerve to act like you were better than Kim. You, Kris Humphries, had the nerve to move to Minnesota after being married to Kim Kardashian for a month, telling her the distance was a good thing. Are you crazy, Kris? I’m no fan of Kim either, but if I married her, I’d spend every waking minute with her until she realized she’d made a mistake and kicked me to the curb. Dude, you aren’t allowed to do any curb-kicking. You’re Kris Humphries! The way you do things infuriates me. Congrats on making Ray J look like a more respectable partner. I can’t believe I just said that.

Kris, I want you to go away, but I have a feeling you will be on the show for the rest of the season. While that angers me, I will say this Sunday evening vent-fest that just took place has done wonders for my Monday morning. For that, Kris, I thank you. For everything else, shame on you. I hope you get picked up by MF Global’s intramural basketball team, only to be dropped two weeks later for irreconcilable differences.

Filed Under: Kardashipocalypse, Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, TV

Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert