Hatewatching Devious Maids: A Realistic Ending

ABC Devious Maids

That’s it. It’s over. It’s done. The first season of Devious Maids is finished. I’d like to be joyous about this, but I can’t. I feel like how I imagine it feels to be interviewed by the police after a violent crime has been committed against you. Like, I’m definitely glad that it’s over, but I’m definitely not glad that it happened. Surviving through it won’t make me stronger, it just makes me see the world a little less brightly than I did before. :(

Previous Episode in 67 Words

Valentina decided she wanted to follow The Rich White D to Africa, Marisol literally dodged a bullet (and the bullet ended up in a baby that was in a womb), Rosie ended the affair she was having with the Rich White Man she works for but she continued her affair with all the accents she’s employed this season, Carmen was awful, and Zoila was awful too.

Distribution of Wealth and Status Among Races for This Episode

All of the White Women: Still rich.
All but one of the Latinas: Still maids.

What Each Main Character Did This Week

Valentina: The Rich White D left for Africa to help Africans, because after he got his Latina maid pregnant and then after his father raped her and murdered her, The Rich White D felt like he’d already helped the Latinas enough. He left without Valentina. She was devastated. “Ay dios mio, how will I know who I am without a Rich White D to give me an identity?” she shouted. Valentina’s mom told her that The Rich White D left without Valentina because she told him to. Valentina got angry, shoved her mom, then bought a plane ticket to Africa. Not to help Africans. To be by the Rich White D. Awesome.

Marisol: If you’ll remember, the last episode ended with the Pregnant Rich White Woman that Marisol was working for getting shot in the stomach by a sniper. Like, some people get shot in the arm or in the leg, and that’s cool, but this lady GOT SHOT IN THE BABY. Where’d your wife get shot? “… In the baby.” Boom! Emmy. THAT’S THE BEST SHIT OF ALL. Also: That’s a down-ass baby right there. Like, maybe the most heroic baby that’s ever been. That baby served in the utero Marines or something. Totally selfless. If I take a Cheerio from my baby son he loses his mind. There’s no way he’s taking a bullet for me.

Oh, but anyway: Marisol (finally) figured out that the Rich White Man that raped Flora is the one that killed her and blah blah blah whatever.

Rosie: The Rich White Woman that Rosie worked for felt bad about running over a man so she flew to Mexico and brought back Rosie’s son. Rosie was very grateful so she made the Rich White Woman some breakfast but also she decided to stop having sex with the Rich White Woman’s husband and also decided not to marry him. That’s a little thing called being true and thankful. The Rich White Woman found out Rosie and her husband were in love though so she called immigration on her. That’s a little thing called in your face, hoe.

Carmen: The Rich Gay Man that Carmen works for asked him to pretend to marry him so the press would stop saying he’s gay. The Black Man Maid that Carmen was about to move in with wasn’t that excited about it. Neither was the one-legged Russian house manager, who, in the scene before, revealed that she was in love with the Rich Gay Man. Carmen wasn’t sure what to do so she spent most of the episode sighing.

Zoila: Zoila was sad because she made her daughter sad because she made him abandon her. She was like, “My bad, homie.” Her daughter was like, “Not cool, bro.” It was truly moving television.

What My Mom, Who, Best I Can Tell, Has Been a Latina Her Whole Life, Said About the Episode Monday Morning When I Called Her at Work

Me: Hey, ma.
Mom: Hey.
Me: So …
Mom: So …
Me: Devious Maids is over.
Mom: Oh thank god.
Me: Wanna know what happened?
Mom: Nope.
Me: Dang. OK, well the show got picked up for a second season.
Mom: That’s bad news.
Me: The worst.
Mom: Hey, did you watch Breaking Bad last night?
Mom: I don’t know. I didn’t watch it.
Me: Jesus Christ.

Climactic Scene

Once it’s revealed which Rich White Guy killed Flora, the maids plot on videotaping him confessing to the crime. This doesn’t work out because Latinas aren’t smart enough to pull off such chicanery. Lucky for them, a separate Rich White Guy was in love with Flora and he rescues them because that’s what happens every time one of the Latinas finds herself in an odd situation: She’s rescued by a White person. Just like in real life.

Also: The Rich White Guy that was in love with Flora threw the Rich White Guy that raped Flora out of a second-story window. The Rich White Guy flew out of the window and landed in the pool. He died immediately. Just like in real life.

This Show in a GIF


Filed Under: Hater's Guide, Lifetime

Shea Serrano is a staff writer for Grantland. His latest book, The Rap Year Book: The Most Important Rap Song From Every Year Since 1979, Discussed, Debated and Deconstructed, is a New York Times best seller and is available everywhere.

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