The onset of the new year has brought plenty to GRTFL headquarters, including: bear-suit sex; hot lawyers; hamburger-grease assault; professional dog lovers; and a woman who transports herself exclusively by straddling men to hitch rides. The Bachelor and Real World are fucking back. Usually when I introduce a new season, I write a long list of rules you don’t read and provide the results of a draft you don’t care about. Not this time. These premieres were too heinous. The messes were too hot, the English too broken, the dresses too dreadful, and the sex too bear-suited to allow me to clutter this column with anything else. I’ll do that next week. The only way to approach this week’s onslaught of drunken and desperate souls is to address them show by show and person by person.

Normally I’d lead with the traditional Way Too Detailed Bachelor Babe Entrance Breakdown, but the Real World premiere brought us an angel. An angel named Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes. She’s a mutant. She’s a virus. She’s a threat to national security and should probably be quarantined. Or maybe she’s simply a warrior princess born to dominate The Challenge franchise for the next three decades. Hard to tell after one episode.

Real World: Ex-Plosion

When I watch Real World, all I can think about is The Challenge, and this new season’s “exes move in a month later” format means twice as many prospects for The Challenge producers to pluck. None of that matters right now, though. The new format doesn’t matter. The new editing style doesn’t matter. The new city doesn’t matter. The new cast doesn’t matter. All that matters is Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes.

Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes: Ashley is a nightclub-dwelling nocturnal creature spawned from plastic-bottle vodka, bad fashion, and desperation. She’s a parasite being fueled by alcohol, traveling from drink to drink by seducing, straddling, and latching onto unsuspecting male humans and allowing them to transport her. That’s the only explanation for her go-to dance move:

Who dances like that? This young woman really is the hottest and messiest of all hot messes. She insists on this mode of transport. Check it out:

Can she even walk? Have her feet ever touched the ground? Am I just old and unaware that this is how everyone dances now? Does she have any other moves? Oh wait, she does, the girl-on-girl butt smash:

Note the lower–butt cheek flash, the upper-thigh tattoo, and the all-over lack of self- respect. I like to party and everything, but get your shit together, girl. Seriously, is this a real dance? Is the forceful repeated butt smash a thing the kids are doing these days? You know, I don’t even care; as long as people aren’t calling it twerking, I’m good with it. But I do wonder how a woman could even get to this place. Oh, right:

When she got home from the club, Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes, proved that her prowess as a Challenge prospect extended beyond the dance floor. She proved she was also simply, you know, a bad person.

During an argument with one of her many roommates, Ashley actually said the following words: “I don’t know who her family is, but I promise that my family will buy and sell her family.” What could possibly motivate someone to say that? When her housemates turned on her, Ashley delivered the exact apologetic, reasonable response you’d expect:

NO REASON? You just spent the entire night inslopsicated, coitus-transiting around the club, and then you came home and insulted all of your roommates’ families. And you’re the victim? Clearly wronged, Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes, had to make an escape. So she, you know:

She hopped up on her man, caught a ride to the exit, and made a bikini-and-mic-pack-clad mad dash into the street, warning: “Let’s see what the house does without Ashley here.”

Here’s the really crazy part, though: ALL OF THAT HAPPENED ON THE FIRST NIGHT! On her first night being filmed for a national television show, Ashley got kaslammered, exposed herself in public, disrespected all her roommates, and traveled around almost exclusively via coitus simulation. Imagine that happening to you. Imagine being filmed for TV and letting the drunken demon out, then waking up, overwhelmed with shame. Wouldn’t you downshift a bit? Maybe take it easy, stay in, work out, read a book, get your mind right, and change your ways? Not Ashley. THE VERY NEXT NIGHT SHE WAS EVEN MORE KASLAMMERED AND EVEN MORE STRADDLY:

The dance floor is one thing, but straddling dudes in the back of a cab is another. I swear Ashley only travels via coitus simulation. Once back at the Real World house, Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes, discovered that her roommates were nourishing themselves with hamburgers. Furious that they would ingest any alcohol-free sustenance, Ashley seized the disrespectful dish:

This was the exact moment that Ashley became the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes. As she lightly grasped the frying pan containing two burger patties and hot burger grease, viewers truly didn’t know what would follow. Would she eat the hamburgers? Would she mix them into a cocktail? Would she straddle them and attempt to travel across town? Somehow, even for a woman who travels via coitus simulation, what Ashley did next was shocking. SHE THREW THE BURGERS AND GREASE IN THE FACE OF A ROOMMATE WHO WASN’T EVEN PART OF THE CONVERSATION:

I mean, why? Just, why? Why would she do this? What neurons in her brain could fire that would lead to this course of action? Of course, her immediate reaction was almost worse than the act itself: “Oh, I didn’t mean to do it to you.” YOU DIDN’T MEAN TO DO IT TO HER? Look at the photo above … WHAT? Ashley continued to attempt to apologize, you know, in her thong:

No one would talk to her, so she did what we’d all do after hurling burgers at innocent bystanders: She drunk-dialed her grandfather and told him that she wanted to crawl in his belly:

I just want to stress that this all happened on the first and second night of Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes, being filmed for national television. I have no idea where she’ll go from here … but I do know that she’ll get there with her legs wrapped around some dude.

I almost don’t want to address the rest of the cast, because Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes, has deemed them all irrelevant. However, they were kind of excellent as well, so here’s a quick primer:

Jamie: “I’m really big on no cheating, I don’t tolerate it,” Jamie said. “I’ve been cheated on, it just sucks.” So when Jamie heard Ashley, the Hottest and Messiest of Hot Messes, introduce someone as her boyfriend when she’d already referred to someone else as her boyfriend, Jamie took it upon herself to blow up Ashley’s whole spot. Jamie, you are not the monogamy police.

Arielle: Finally, someone I actually like. Arielle kicked off her Real World debut with a trio of splendid sound bites:

1. “When I meet people in person, I just want to sleep with them. When I meet them on an online dating site, it’s a requirement to get to know them first.”

2. “A lot of people are like, ‘Oh, because your father wasn’t around, that’s why you’re a lesbian and stuff.’ No, I just really like pussy, can you just shut the fuck up?”

3. “I never grew up wanting to be a model. I actually hate that I’m a model. Can you tell? I want to become this badass horror film director, and if I have to be half-naked on a runway to do that, I’m totally cool.”

Now, I don’t believe her for one second on that last one, but I like where her head is. You know, when it’s not covered in hamburger grease.

Jenny: THIS CHICK THOUGHT A TELEVISION MONITOR SHOWING A FIRE WAS A FIRE. For real, she was feeling it for heat.

Cory: Not only was Jenny dumb enough to think a monitor was a fire, she was dumb enough to have coitus with Cory after he spent the entire night trying to hook up with Ashley:

Oh yeah, they did it in bear suits:

“Bear-Suit Sex” is so freaky it has never even been the title of an R. Kelly track.

Jay: Jay is a professional dude who yells into microphones at nightclubs and tells people how to party. He’s basically a party personal trainer.

Thomas: “You have a nice ass and you have a nice body.” That was how Thomas tried to hit on Arielle. If “you have a nice ass and a nice body” works on a girl, you don’t want to be with that girl.

This Real World season has already given us bear-suit sex, monogamy police, and flying burgers, and we’ve only seen one episode. I can’t wait until the exes arrive. Ex-Plosion is going to revitalize the franchise, and I couldn’t be any happier.

The Bachelor

Juan Pablo is a professional soccer player turned dad turned Miami party promoter turned Bachelor. Oh yeah, ABC didn’t love the party promoter thing, so it made Juany Pabs a “sports consultant” this season. He has a good energy, but mostly because he uses positive body language to mask the fact that he hasn’t quite mastered the English language. Who cares, though? He has abs and a great smile, so 27 women from all around the country decided that the path to true love was a Hunger Games–y reality show where they fight over him.

The first step on the perceived path to true love is a limo ride up the famed cobblestone driveway toward the Bachelor Pad, and an introduction to Juany Pabs. This is a GRTFL tradition, so I now present this season’s limo exit strategies from desperate women who are four years older than they say they are, in the order they arrived and awkwardly introduced themselves to Juany Pabs.

Amy L.: This chick was the first out of the limo, and she basically just said “hi.” I don’t understand how neither Juany Pabs nor Amy L. had a plan for a follow-up statement or question after that. Not a great start.

Cassandra, Rodney Stuckey’s Baby Mama: Again, have a plan. After the hellos, Cassandra and Juany Pabs just stood and looked at each other for two seconds. Then Cassandra did the thing where she called out the awkward pause so it would be less awkward. It was not less awkward.

Christy: “I’m so glad it’s you, I wouldn’t be here if it was anybody else.” OK, Christy has a plan. I mean, I don’t believe her for one second, but at least she has a plan.

Christine: This chick had it all, including a gift for Juany Pabs’s daughter:

And she had a nice ass that BOTH my wife and I noticed:

Of course, Juan Pablo sent her packing.

Nikki: Nikki had the best gimmick of the night. She’s a nurse, so she brought a stethoscope and instructed Juany Pabs to listen to her heartbeat so that he could hear how nervous she was. Brilliant. This let him know she works in a hospital, let him know she’s into him, and let him, you know, touch her boobs. Can’t hurt.

Kat: Kat’s approach was to tell Juan Pablo what a great dancer she was and then ask for a quick salsa lesson. I feel like 11 of the 27 women had the EXACT same plan and the producers threw their bodies in front of it. Juan Pablo taught 45 people how to salsa this episode. We’re two weeks away from one of the women making him salsa, not realizing it’s also a dance.

Chantel: Chantel made the first attempt to speak Spanish to him, but certainly not the last.

Victoria: Since Juan Pablo barely speaks English, we didn’t learn anything about him on Dez’s season. We basically only know that he has a daughter and doesn’t speak English. Victoria flipped this in her favor by speaking Portuguese and telling him she’s Brazilian. She also flipped it in her favor by being super hot.

Lucy: Lucy lists her job as “free spirit” and came in all non-makeupy and barefoot. My wife wasn’t having it, blurting: “This chick, I really hate.”

Danielle: Danielle went with the whole “I have a present for you inside” thing. Solid tactic that guarantees some important pre-ceremony tie with Juany Pabs, but I don’t even remember what the gift was. Probably herpes.

Lauren S.: The producers made this poor chick ride a bike/piano up to Juany Pabs and play a song:

Come on, producers, how are you going to make her ride a piano on a bike up a hill on cobblestone? You know better than that.

Chelsie: Chelsie is a “science teacher at a museum” and did some bullshit “chemistry” pun joke thing that Juan Pablo 100 percent did not understand. Later, they had this exchange:

Juan Pablo: “How many kids do you want to have?”

Chelsie:“Just all of them, all of them.”

She wants to have all the children, all of them. This show is the best.

Valerie: Valerie’s gimmick was to wear cowboy boots under her dress to show her rough-and-tumble side. I thought it was a good gimmick and she had a nice look. Of course, Juan Pablo sent her home.

Elise: Elise is a first-grade teacher, and she wore a dress that looked like it was made by her students:

Terrible.

Ashley: Ashley was the third teacher in a row, prompting my wife to look up from her phone and say, “Horny, lonely teachers want to go on The Bachelor, huh?” She’s the best.

Clare: Clare tried to fake being pregnant:

Girl, Juan Pablo has a daughter; he knows no pregnant woman has arms that skinny.

Alli: While everyone else went with the “You speak Spanish so I learned a sentence” or the “You’re Latino so teach me to dance” clichés, Alli went with the soccer thing. Donning a pair of Samba classics, she kicked a ball at Juan Pablo and announced that she plays a little footie too:

She played well, she looked good doing it, and she proved that you really can wear Samba classics with any outfit.

Amy J.: Amy J. is the crazy-faced massage therapist. During Amy’s background profile, my wife screamed: “You know you did not move to L.A. to be a massage therapist, bitch!” Juan Pablo let Amy go.

I don’t care how crazy creepy her vacant expression is; a massage every once and a while is nice, so I would have kept her around for a couple more episodes.

Renee: Renee did the “I also have a kid” thing. She also did the “I’m going to say that I’m 10 years younger than I am” thing.

Lauren H.: This one was A CATASTROPHE. She spent the entire episode crying because she hadn’t gotten to talk to Juany Pabs:

Then, when she finally got to talk to him, she probably didn’t go about it the best way: “I didn’t want to lead with this, but I was in a relationship and I was engaged to be married a few months ago. And I am so over it, but at the same time, he had a son, and it was something that we were planning a wedding and I got a phone call at work that it was over and we lived together and I didn’t see his son again and it was this absurd thing.”

Yes, you are clearly “so over it.”

Maggie: Maggie got him a fishing hook because, “One thing I really enjoy doing with my family is going fishing and I am just hoping you will be the big catch that I am looking for.” Juan Pablo had no idea what she was talking about.

Kelly: Kelly listed her profession as “dog lover” and came out of the limo with a dog named Molly. Having a pet is not a personality. Having a pet is not a profession. There should be more to you than owning an animal. That said, Juan Pablo kept Kelly and Molly around. He wasn’t Kelly’s only fan, though. My wife, not loose with the compliments when it comes to these ladies, reluctantly mumbled, “I do like the way she looks in that dress, she is really skinny.”

Lacy: Lacy tried to do some “I have a prescription for love” thing:

It didn’t work, not because it wasn’t a good idea, but because Juan Pablo was super fired up thinking the whole time she was about to give him medical marijuana.

Alexis: This chick basically said “hi” and kept it moving.

Kylie: My wife was not impressed with Kylie’s red hair and pink dress: “This one is a mess, HOT MESS. HOT MESS.”

Sharleen: Sharleen had it going on. She’s an opera signer, and she wore the best dress:

She’s also not that into Juan Pablo: “I guess I thought that I would feel more insta-chemistry than I did. I guess I feel so distraught because I mean there has been so much buildup and you expect this sort of connection and honestly it felt a little bit forced.” The only thing more attractive than a hot opera signer is a hot opera singer who isn’t into you. Juany Pabs gave her the first-impression rose.

Andi: Andi was last and most attractive. She had this “I am going to push all my hair in front of my shoulders“ thing going that really worked for her:

I see her being the sneaky crazy one. She’ll coast through the first four episodes, confident in her “connection” with Juan Pablo, then get jealous and start running after chicks with a hedge trimmer. I see her going far, or to jail.

Check back next week to see if Ashley can go a night without insulting, assaulting, and straddling every person she sees. Vegas has it as a long shot. Enjoy the weekend.