Extra Nipples, the Jolie-Pitt Nuptials … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Dan MacMedan/WireImage Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie


Brad and Angelina Are Engaged: “Pitt skipped the tradition of getting down on one knee and merely presented the ring as a token of his unwavering love.” Jolie debuted “the tablet-shaped diamond” a few days later at a “private viewing of Chinese antiquities” at LACMA. Jolie’s dad, Jon Voight, says he is “very happy for them!” The pressure came courtesy of the kids. “Maddox wanted them to have a wedding. He was the most vocal in pushing for it.” Brad was also vocal. “Brad pleaded and said that everything else in the kids’ lives in not normal. They travel constantly, they are always in different houses and different schools. They needed to give the kids one thing in their life that is normal, and they are asking for this. He said they should do it for them.” This was hardly Pitt’s first attempt to propose. “He asked her to marry him when she was pregnant with Shiloh. And she said no.” BURN. Angie knew Brad would stick around anyway. “I don’t think she has ever worried about her ability to keep a man, but what she has with Brad is very strong. They can still be hot and heavy. There is a great attraction. And Pitt has what it takes intellectually and emotionally to keep Jolie interested for the long haul. Angie is deep and thoughtful and undeniably sure of herself. I don’t think any man but Brad could really make it work.” While their ceremonies to previous spouses involved theatrics like “a gospel choir and fireworks show” (Pitt/Aniston) and “a wardrobe of black rubber pants and a white shirt with his name written in her blood” (Jolie/Miller), this will be a much more low-key event at their French estate. “Angie’s even learning how to cook!” Maybe she’ll cook coq au vin with Brad’s blood!

Tom Cruise’s Smoothies: “The actor won over the cast and crew” of his latest film “when he had a self-serve smoothie and cappuccino bar installed.” A source says, “There’s a big sign that reads COURTESY OF MR. TOM CRUISE. The free drinks have made him the most popular person!” What do you think they taste like?

Charlize Theron and Alexander Skarsgard: Had a second date at Soho House. “She rested her head on his shoulder and they looked very couple-y. It isn’t serious. And no, he has not met the baby!”

Frances Bean on Courtney Love: “Twitter should ban my mother.”

Brooklyn Decker on Her husband, Andy Roddick: “You don’t teach me how to play tennis, and I won’t teach you how to model in a bathing suit.”

Julia Louis-Dreyfus on parallels between Hollywood and D.C.: “The idea of presenting yourself one way and then behaving another when you’re behind closed doors is very similar.”

From a Quiz About TV:

“How did Marissa Cooper (Mischa Barton) meet her maker on The O.C.?”

    A. Plane crash

    B. Fell off a yacht

    C. Drug overdose

    D. Car accident

Misc/Etc: “caved in to her money demands because they needed her” “him i am about to shoot, dead” “Fuck regret!” “a beer and loaded potato skins” “has a tramp stamp!” “now I can be a MILF” “Lindsay Lohan grooved in a white minidress” “Desert romance!” “making out like crazy” “her cockapoo, Chewbacca” “How Do You Talk To An Angel” “Serena is heading to the suburbs!” “buying her bodyguard an assortment of cupcakes” “Pippa was laughing when she saw the gun” “When she’s not with a boyfriend, she likes male company” “She thought the chaps were being cheeky” “a Marie Antoinette-themed bacchanal” “costumed dwarves dressed in lavish 18th-century garb” “Jennifer Love Hewitt’s 1999 flop spinoff” “the cat is meowing” “really into leather leggings” “it’s like rolling around in expensive sheets!” “I’m going to shave my head for charity!” “I’d look like a sloppy carny!” “In high school I wore insane stripper shoes to class” “rarely eats in public for fear of being photographed making an unpleasant face” “she’s very driven, but powerless” “even the shower-sex scene is merely lukewarm!”


Dane Cook Loses His Shit: “The comedian, who has dated Jessica Simpson and former American Idol contestant Raquel Houghton, furiously vented about an unnamed ex who cheated on him” during a set at The Laugh Factory. “He went on and on. It was funny at first. Then it got creepy” as he “dished about hacking the woman’s e-mail and phone to prove she was having an affair — and told audience members how to do the same to their significant others. It was crazy!” Sounds like the funniest thing Dane Cook’s ever done! Cook also tweeted, “You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can’t pay.” Oh yeah, those relationships. What? Patti Stanger chimes in. “They say nothing is worse than a woman scorned, but clearly a male comic is worse.”

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis: “The French singer-actress was spotted sharing an intimate meal in Paris with musician Benjamin Biolay. And Johnny — who has been boozing a lot and otherwise acting out in Hollywood lately with pals like Marilyn Manson — is devastated by the new relationship.” She claims it’s just to collaborate. “But Johnny isn’t sure what’s going on between them, and he certainly does not like the amount of time she’s spending with Benjamin. He thinks it’s the final sign that Vanessa is over him. She’s stopped talking about them getting back together, when before she mentioned it every time they talked.” But getting all bent out of shape isn’t helping, since “this kind of bad behavior is the reason she left him. It’s not going to win her back.”

Harry Styles From Boy Band One Direction: “Boldly bared his extra nipples” at the beach. Is there any other way to bare extra nipples? He admits “I’ve got four nipples. I must have been a twin, but the other one went away and left its nipples behind.”

Dieting Horror Stories From A-List Actresses

  • Angelina Jolie: “I was a vegan for a long time, and it nearly killed me.”
  • Gwyneth Paltrow: “With her 40th birthday just months away, Gwyneth is going to extreme measures to maintain her tight bod. That means no gluten, no dairy and no sugar, she says, and regular 21-day Goop cleanses.”
  • Kate Winslet: “I went through a three-month experimental laxative time, which was absolutely awful.”

Misc/Etc: “her ageless figure” “sped through the blue waters” “she was a nightmare to work with” “butter-loving” “he’s bitter about the breakup” “shrimp burger entrepreneur” “she was wearing a skintight dress and smiling at him all night” “I feel snug as a bug when I close my eyes” “the country singer continues to look skeletal” “a 500-calorie-a-day diet as she plays an ill prostitute” “a sandwich or late-night TV” “prehistoric protruding back bones” “a man-boy who won’t commit to marriage” “seems obsessed with staying young and thin” “just as uneven and nearly as unfunny” “dog who tends to hit it and quit it” “the Frasier star just got his very first ink” “happy to blame the victim” “soft blankets so that you’ll be covered for all seasons!” “I putter around a bit later than I should.”

In Touch

Kanye and Kim’s Toxic Love: “Kim Kardashian has been excitedly phoning her sisters, telling them that she plans to marry Kanye West as soon as possible. She told them ‘Don’t be surprised if we elope.’ She knows it’s soon, but she’s head over heels in love.” While Kim “may long to fall in love and settle down with a famous musician,” friends of West’s ex-fiancée Alexis Phifer want to warn her. “He’s an abuser,” says a friend of Phifer. “It was his cruel behavior that made Alexis end their 18-month engagement.” Their worst fight was over Kim. “It was at a Fourth of July party they had at their house. Kanye was on his laptop, and Alexis came up behind him and saw that he was looking at the screen of his phone — at a naked picture of Kim” (He once told Alexis that Kim was “a whore with a fake ass.”) But when confronted, he became “angry and defensive” about it. “He said he couldn’t control who sent him photos. But then he started getting dramatic — huffing and puffing and making a big deal. They went outside, and Kanye pushed Alexis into some bushes with all of his force. She was wearing shorts and a T-shirt and she got cuts and scratches everywhere and was bleeding. She was crying. But he just left her there. He got in his car and drove away.” YIKES. Sounds like Kanye is Don Draper in the first three seasons of Mad Men. While Kanye apologized, it was “part of a long cycle of verbal abuse in a turbulent relationship that wreaked havoc on Alexis’ self-esteem and frequently made her cry.” What a cool boyfriend! “He was not nice to her. He would insult her clothes, criticize her weight and make her watch what she ate. And to make her feel even worse he would flirt with other women when he was with her.” He would refuse to bring her out when she wasn’t dressed to his liking. “He cheated on Alexis, and he will cheat on Kim too. He will never be able to give her a real relationship. He doesn’t care enough.” Kanye has admitted, “Lust is part of the reason I’ve been out of relationships.” He also ignored her friends, and was “on his laptop, not talking to anyone” all the time. But Kim “likes being controlled. She loves the feeling of being someone powerful’s woman. She sees Kanye as having popularity, power and confidence.” I bet she thinks she can change him too. “He’s unpleasant in a relationship, and he is physically abusive. He’s never had any loyalty with any woman, and he won’t with Kim either.”

Blake Shelton Out of Control: “I drink alcohol, and always will until I die. And I don’t care if you like it or not.” Married for a year now, his wife, Miranda Lambert, “is getting fed up with his drunken shenanigans.” A pal says, “Blake is married, but he still lives like a hell-raising bachelor,” partying all night in Hollywood “while his long-suffering sweetheart tours. Miranda is beginning to draw the line. She told Blake that he’s making a fool out of her. And she added that if he ever strays during one of his crazy nights, he’s going to find himself homeless.”

Chris Evans Is Single: “I weep at everything. I emote. I love wet hair and sweatpants, sneakers and ponytails. I like girls who aren’t so la-di-da, who bust my chops a little.” Scarlett Johansson backs him up, saying, “He’s a dude’s dude, but surprisingly sensitive. He’d be just as happy doing Guys and Dolls as Captain America 2.” Uh, please cast Evans and Johansson in Guys and Dolls and I will be there opening day.

Chris Brown Dumps Rihanna: “Ignoring the warnings of friends and loved ones, Rihanna secretly hooked up with her abuser ex Chris Brown for months — only to get dumped by the notorious bad boy at the end of March” when he “chose his girlfriend Karrueche over Rihanna.” A sad Rihanna was “heartbroken.” While “she insisted to pals that Chris had changed, it seemed Rihanna wasn’t seeing things clearly.” She still “believes Chris will come back” and refuses to accept that “Chris was just using her for sex.”

Zooey Deschanel: “I don’t have time to date. I love to work.”

Zac Efron on How to Unhook a Bra: “Just pinch and slide”

Cameron Diaz: “I am not afraid about being 40! When I was 30, I dreamed about being 40.”

Misc/Etc: “totally 80s white heels!” “darling — you are luminescent!” “you have an unfair advantage because you’re not wearing Spanx!” “Hand cramps? No problem!” “Even us MILFs want to look sexy!” “Yep, they’re still together!” “she looks unaware of the camera, NOT!” “cover up the goods” “whatever Justin Bieber has!” “it’s 800 degrees, so I have nothing on underneath it!” “Bikini tennis, anyone?” “three kids got ya frazzled?” “Every female in this game wears wigs!” “swallowed a rosary” “they nuzzled necks!” “the beefy star” “meddling, money-hungry mom” “man up, put on a happy face and keep making money” “the physical agony of a natural birth” “furry and fabulous!” “sweaty and overly emotional” “rich stars and regular dudes” “a brutal stabbing left him in a pool of blood” “is the young mom who’s often out late deejaying at parties making up for lost time?” “the more I get naked, the more comfortable I feel”


Lindsay Lohan’s Botox Nightmare: “Lohan plots a comeback playing Liz Taylor, but cosmetic work almost sabotages it — and her face. It’s a plum role; but in her desperation to look the part of one of the 20th century’s great beauty icons, Lindsay submitted to cosmetic procedures that bloated and distorted her face — and nearly lost the job.” While taking meetings with Lifetime, Lindsay “was overdone with fillers, Botox, and god knows what else. Word is that she had so many shots she went way overboard. And when they took one look at her — they were repulsed and shocked.” She made the mistake of taking a five-hour flight right after a procedure and “the change in air pressure obviously did much damage and caused unexpected side effects.” AHHHHHH. “For Hollywood’s archetypal train wreck, there’s a lot more than her reputation riding on Liz & Dick. She’s as poor as poor can be, doesn’t have two nickels to rub together and owes more than $3 million in debt. Lindsay’s recent Playboy magazine spread only paid a small pittance compared with what she owes, and she’s desperately looking, pitching, and offering to do absolutely anything to take her back to something like the lifestyle she had become accustomed to.”

They Almost Dated:

  • John Mayer and Katy Perry “clicked and were all over each other” the day before she met Russell Brand at an awards show. Dodged a bullet for another bullet!
  • Justin Timberlake and Beyoncé Knowles: “She locked lips at a party with Justin Timberlake!” back in their ‘N Sync and Destiny’s Child days.
  • Shia LaBeouf and Hilary Duff: “Probably the worst date either of us had ever had” occurred while they were both Disney Channel kid stars.
  • Jennifer Aniston and Jon Stewart: On The Daily Show, Jon brought up a date he assumed Aniston wouldn’t recall, where “he took her to an Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village right before Friends became a hit.” Jen said, “Of course I remember that!” Jon said she brought friends. “She was so excited to be on a date with me, she wanted me to get to know her posse.”

Tony Romo Is a Dad: “Hawkins Crawford Romo is now a part of the Dallas Cowboys family.”

Teen Mom Jenelle Evans Dumps Gary Head: “Jenelle made him a video and posted it on YouTube.” She sings along to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’s “Face Down” and screams “This is for Gary Motherfucking Head!” She Tweeted, “I’m very depressed. Me and Gary broke up for good” the day before.

Scarlett Shades Cupcake Queen Blake Lively Ever So Slightly: “I can bake! I make a really good chocolate cake.”

The Today Show‘s Hoda: “Who watches music videos anymore? When are they even on?”

Rihanna on Australia: “There’s a lot of good food here. And the boys. So beautiful.”

Misc/Etc: “it started off as a business relationship and a booty call” “chartreuse shoes” “the epitome of ladylike charm” “an occasional scotch” “I stood up on two nice waves” “willing to spend hours shopping with a girl” “don’t smudge daddy’s tattoos!” “oiled up and ready for action” “as familiar as yellow cabs” “I stood up like a man and admitted my wrongs” “are any Brazilian women not models?” “let’s see if Jessica burns longer than Joe’s past flames” “vanquishes a wrestler” “Councilwoman Mildred Crump” “smitten with Mollie” “What happens in Bunga Bunga apparently does not stay in Bunga Bunga” “emotionally promotes dependence” “World’s Most Glamorous Couple”

Filed Under: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Charlize theron, Chris Brown, Chris Evans, Gwyneth Paltrow, Johnny Depp, Kanye West, Kate Winslet, Kim Kardashian, Molly's Magazines, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson, Star, Tabloids, Tom Cruise, Us Weekly, Zooey Deschanel

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert

More from Molly Lambert

See all from Molly Lambert

More Angelina Jolie

See all Angelina Jolie

More Hollywood Prospectus

See all Hollywood Prospectus