A fact about America: When Diddy is up to something that seems like it most certainly will fail and — most importantly — has nothing to do with making music, IT WILL WORK.

Never forget that.

The facts:

• Sean “Diddy” Combs and Mark Wahlberg are now business partners.
• Their business venture is a “fitness and wellness water brand“
• Also involved is the former president of Fiji Water.
• AQUAhydrate won BEVnet’s Best of 2012 award for “Best Product Revamp.”
• Diddy stalked Mark Wahlberg until Mark finally said yes on being partners.
• Retail partnerships already exist with GNC, Kroger, and Safeway, as does a relationship with the Los Angeles Clippers.

The assumptions:

• AQUAhydrate will be the Ciroc of the water world.
• Rappers will start talking about how ballin’ it is to cure your hangover after a night of pouring Ciroc on yourself, and the best way of doing that is with bottle of AQUAhydrate.

The highly unscientific, potentially true, incredible Diddy claim:

• AQUAhydrate cures ashiness better than lotion.

This is the boldest of claims, Sean. Yes, even more than when you swore that, in addition to being “young, black, and famous” (which you were), there was also “money hanging out the anus.”

First, a science lesson from Marky Mark:

“If you continue to eat bad stuff, drink bad stuff, your body spends a lot of energy trying to break that stuff down, and AQUAhydrate is the fastest thing to recovery, hydrating you, burning out that acid.”

And now, Diddy lessons:

“And most importantly, for people like me, it makes you ashy.”

Wait what? AQUAhydrate makes you ashy? Why would I ever drink this? This sounds horrible, Sean.

“If you’re not hydrated, you get incredibly ashy.”

Oh, I get it. Dehydration makes you ashy. Wait, is that true? You’re telling me I’ve never woken up hydrated a day in my life? Wow.

“And lotion doesn’t work.”

He’s right. Sometimes, the ash is too real and lotion is more like Febreze-ing that dirty shirt instead of actually washing it. The stank/ash temporarily leaves, BUT IT’S COMING BACK.

“So this right here, gives me my glow.”

I want to glow like Diddy. Always have. Also, I’ve never felt a deeper connection to Diddy than I do through this venture. This is a fantastic turn of events in our relationship.

It’s too early to tell, but I have a feeling this might be my favorite Diddy side-hustle of all time, if for no other reason than the “knowledgeable cop”/”let’s talk about how ashy i get cop” dynamic of Wahlberg and Combs.

Also:

If Diddy’s right, I’m about to start bathing in this stuff.