Brandon & Dylan & Kelly & Andrea & Jennie & BAG: When Jeans-Sponsored Reunions Suddenly Go Bad

[Another e-mail exchange, L.A. to London, moments ago.]

Lisanti: Hey, I thought you might want to see this …

[sends video]

Simmons: This really makes me angry. I don’t understand why we can’t have a 90210 remake because Perry and Priestley are too proud, and yet they’re making these Old Navy ads. Just create the 90210 comeback show already. Brandon could be the embattled editor of the L.A. Times and trying to keep newspapers alive. Dylan could be an Internet billionaire trying to convince Brandon to sell out and run his portfolio of gossip-fueled entertainment websites, only Brandon doesn’t want to do it because “I don’t want to hurt people, man.” They could both still be fighting over Kelly. David Silver and Steve Sanders could be successful nightclub owners in L.A., only Steve borrowed money from the wrong guy and David doesn’t know yet that the mob might be after them. And Valerie Malone could still be a slut. Everyone wins. Call Fox, let’s get this done. I choose this show.

Lisanti: But you go to war with the 90210 reunion you have, not the one you want.

So: Denim Chemistry Teacher Kelly has to choose Hallway Motorcyle Dylan over Giant Carnival Teddy Bear Brandon, doesn’t she? She’s already cutting corners with the discount jeans; doesn’t she deserve to live a little? Or is the “Why Choose?” tagline actually telling her that there’s another “You can have it all” option, like a horny Showtime polyamorous hippie lifestyle?

Simmons: I agree with Juliet Litman — the Old Navy producers were clearly pro-Dylan, that’s why they gave him a motorcycle and Brandon got stuck with the humiliating teddy bear. That was no way to treat one of the greatest TV athletes who ever lived.

Lisanti: So what you’re saying is Kelly’s definitely going off with Dylan, and Brandon’s left behind to make love to Andrea in the janitorial closet whenever they can steal a moment for themselves? (He makes love, we know that about him.)

Yoshida: The plot thickens!

Simmons: Whoa!!!!!!!

Shannen Doherty or Jennie Garth?

Litman: Poor Jennie :(

I listened to a long interview of Tiffani Thiessen on Howard Stern in which she wouldn’t reveal why she and Jennie had a falling-out, but I guess it’s safe to assume that Kelly Taylor is a maniac. (Tiffani Thiessen seems really great, btw!)

Lisanti: Look, all I wanted to do here was to get Simmons to consider the image of Brandon making love to Andrea in a janitorial closet at their Old Navy high school. This has really spiraled out of control.

Litman: Jennie Garth = Jackie Taylor.

Simmons: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

There’s only one person who can help Jennie now: her fake brother Brian Austin Green.

Litman: After Jennie is hospitalized due to “dehydration,” Brian AG will drive her to rehab in Malibu.

Simmons: BAG needs to send this song to Jennie:

Lisanti: Please just acknowledge that Brandon and Andrea are making the sweetest love in a janitorial closet while David Silver and Kelly are driving to rehab so that I can post this entire thing on the Internet. This has gone terribly awry.

Simmons: Brandon ended up with Emily Valentine — that was his soul mate, remember? He ran into her in Manhattan Beach in 2003, they started dating again, he broke up with her, she burned his house down, and then they got married and now they have two kids.

Litman: Does Emily stand by him now even though Brandon’s newspaper is failing and he might lose his prestige?

Lisanti: I quit.

Filed Under: Baiting Simmons, Reunions

Mark Lisanti is an editor at Grantland.

Archive @ marklisanti