Zach Galifianakis explained to Conan O’Brien last night why he quit drinking (besides the benefits of a two-ounce weight loss). Crossing the street after a whiskey-soaked evening, Galifianakis made the mistake of clocking the hood of a Jaguar containing “two 6-foot-6 guys — 12-by-12,” angering them enough that they exited their vehicle to spit in the comedian’s face (“I don’t know if you’ve ever been spit in your face non-sexually”). The beer bottle ZG threw at the retreating car in retaliation missed, fortunately, but he did not thank the whiskey for that. Rude.

• Skyfall inspires a gun-control bill.
• Nick Offerman serenades his wife Megan Mullally on The Tonight Show: “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana / When you made me your bitch and I made you my wife.”
• Eddie Teddy Vedder Ruxpin.
• “It’s a diamond ball, a little diamond world, and Tori can spin it on her finger.”
• Kevin Williamson of the National Review tore a woman’s cell phone out of her hands and chucked it across the theater during a play (“You’re welcome,” world). I get that texting and checking your e-mails in a dark, public place is terribly annoying, but I’m not going to applaud Williamson for this. There’s a very blurry line between being a vigilante manners officer honoring the greater good and being a dick who never asked himself if she was checking for emergency calls from a babysitter, getting a bank alert, or simply really needed to tweet and couldn’t hold it. What if this poor lady was about to tweet in her pants? Grow a heart, Williamson!
• John Currin’s “Bea Arthur Naked” sold for $1.9M. It is both “historically significant” and sexually confusing.
• Even bears?
• Some of you have been asking me what was up with the Survivor reunion show, during which the cast (minus the jury) was forced to sit in the audience instead of being invited onto the stage, as previous casts have done. Well, the buffs are hitting the fan, and though we don’t have any concrete answers (stage size isn’t cutting it, Probst!), we do know that everyone is very upset. Also, Erik hated his edits, to which I say: At least you’re not Forgotten Julia.
• The new Pacific Rim trailer is pretty awesome. “I mean, for goodness sake, they use a cargo ship as a giant creature-crushing baseball bat.”
• HBO orders a Silicon Valley comedy from Mike Judge.
• The wild, cranky West.
• What a double-edged hatchet you wield, Kai. I also love that the news reporter covering Kai’s alleged murder of a lawyer is totally reading the news off of his phone.
• Uproxx probes Mad Men‘s room 503 symbolism: “Maybe Room 503 is a spiritual sideways sequel of sorts to A Perfect Day for a Bananafish?” Maybe!
• The celebrity troll.