David Brent has emerged from a decade spent in relative seclusion — during which time I assume he hung out in pajamas, Googling himself and practicing his reggae performance techniques — to appear on Ricky Gervais’s new YouTube channel and pointing at people of various ethnicities and sexual orientations on Equality Street with Doc Brown for the U.K. Comic Relief special. Biddily biddily biddily biddily bong, cue the endless stream of comments arguing about racism versus satire (“It’s comedy, you miserable pricks”).

• The Spring Breakers Franco monologue is important for your development as a modern human being. “I got Scarface. On repeat. SCARFACE ON REPEAT. Constant, y’all!” Get it down pat for your next acting class. Everyone will be in tears and throw rose petals at you.
• Interesting casting decision, The Bible! The History Channel doesn’t know what you’re talking about, by the way: Satan’s character looking like Obama is “a false connection,” hundreds of tweets to the contrary be damned. Even this one from Glenn Beck, whose excitement was so electric that he confirmed the resemblance with a long “y e s!” I save those for very special occasions.
• In other news from the underworld: American Horror Story takes on all of them witches for Season 3; Kramer vs. Kramer vs. O’Reilly vs. God vs. Devil divorce proceedings; an evangelical movie reviewer basically explodes while watching The ABCs of Death.
• Emma Watson can’t believe you thought she was doing Fifty Shades.
• And I can’t believe “bat-eating spiders are everywhere, study finds.”
• Maybe save the jacket you built out of human hair for your real-life interactions.
• Here’s a new teaser for the upcoming Christopher Guest mockumentary Family Tree with Chris O’Dowd.
• Murmurmurgmurgggg. Just going to bury the Lindsay Lohan rehab developments in mumbles murrrgmurmurmur. Mur. Murg. Blurgh.
• Google Glass will kill your personal autonomy.
• Musician Jason Molina has passed away.
• “Wear rainbow glasses, rainbow hat. Start thinking what else be rainbows.” —Yoko Ono
• In case you missed it, Harry Weathersby Stamps’s obituary is the best tribute ever to a man who enjoyed “buttermilk served in martini glasses garnished with cornbread” and hated daylight saving time.
• In praise of short form: “And really, if The Sopranos had to be an uneven, six-season show, then fine. But can’t we have great miniseries, too? Given how much quality TV the U.S. churns out, why does Europe have better miniseries than we do?” Wait. UNEVEN??