De-extincting your franchise with Dwayne Johnson: The Rock, otherwise known as “Franchise Viagra,” imagines defibrillating Star Wars, James Bond, Batman, Shrek, and Twilight. (“We would introduce the biggest, baddest, most manliest vampire the world has ever seen or will ever see. Go to Kristen Stewart, grab her by the back of the head, pull her in closely. Here comes Pattinson. Pie-face him out of the way. Look at her before I kiss her: ‘We’re doing away with boyhood things.’ Push him out of the way. Give her the kiss. Change her life. Then I’d bite her; rip her face off.”)

• Barbara Walters may be retiring in May.
• Tread lightly, spoilerphobes: Here is the trailer for Before Midnight, and here’s one for You’re Next.
• Game of Thrones‘s obscure cast minutiae, because y’all are OBSESSIVE.
• Adventures in enforced Method acting: dead kestrels, sucker punches, and other assorted sadistic director moves.
• Your passive-aggression is appreciated!
• “What if Adderall turns out to be the new coffee — a ubiquitous, mostly harmless little helper that enables us to spend more time poring over spreadsheets and less time daydreaming or lolling about in bed?” Awesome, MORE TIME TO PORE OVER MY SPREADSHEETS!
• Hunting for housewives.
• Lana del Rey covers Leonard Cohen’s “Chelsea Hotel No. 2.”
• “You wouldn’t hang out with the purse thief or the identity thief or the heart thief, so why are you hanging out with the good-vibes thief?”
• My favorite headline of the day: Three Crazy James Bond Villains Were Caught Trying to Cut Through The Internet’s Undersea Cables.
• “Next year, astronomers think there’s a chance — albeit a small one — of a neighboring planet getting punched by an icy interplanetary interloper.” —Why A Mars Comet Impact Would be Awesome