Here’s a very close approximation of Louis C.K. as he takes on the classics. With a lot of profanity. [h/t Warming Glow]

• The most grueling, horrible, wrong game show that I’ll ever bust my ass to appear on is coming: MILLION SECOND QUIZ. “It is a game, a social experiment and a live interactive event all wrapped into a uniquely sticky entertainment experience. What is exceptional about The Million Second Quiz is that it embraces technology’s ability to allow everyone in America to actively participate and compete in a way that has never been done.” Players compete around the clock for “twelve straight days and nights.” Get your will in order, and I’ll see you in the “hour glass-shaped structure in the heart of Manhattan.”
• Apologies issued to Zooey Deschanel, adorkable bombing suspect.
• If you’re an independently wealthy struggling actor (listen up, all four of you), you can be in Zach Braff’s Kickstarted film Wish I Was Here. It costs $10,000 and you get “star treatment” and a “line just for you.” This is a bargain. IMDb credits go for like $25k on the black market these days.
• Grimes schools you on feminism and music industry skeezeballs. Somewhere, Taylor Swift is disappearing into her cashmere fox sweater and reconsidering her life choices.
• Anne Hathaway’s entire career was just an excuse for this to happen.
• Family vacations and their fights. Of course the Griswolds are not immune.
• Tetris, already helpful for treating PTSD and traumatic flashbacks, can fix your wonky eye.