You can really tell when an article (a term used loosely, because this piece is over at TMZ) is written by someone whose personal history has been marked by mopping a commercial floor. When Justin Bieber let his stream of magical pop-piss fly into a restaurant’s mop bucket, the author of this thing didn’t hold back. I sympathize. I sported the flair, and if I’d had to mop floors with urine, I would have felt saltier than a basket of breadsticks drizzled with the most umami honey mustard in the fast-casual land. One should put pee where pee goes — this is the first, and most important, step in avoiding widespread global anarchy. The second is to never spritz a photo of Bill Clinton with off-brand Windex. TREASON! Can we give Bieber a pass for stepping on the Blackhawks logo, though? Yahoo Sports has a pretty good point on why this is a low-grade criminal offense: Floor logos are a “stupid tradition. ‘Hey, let’s put a giant thing in the middle of a high-traffic area and not allow people to touch it.’ Dummies.”

• George R.R. Martin shows you the closest visual approximation of the Iron Throne. Count dem swords. Thousands. #demswords
• Well, they did say they’d be morphin‘.
• The “Look at My Shit” Spring Breakers dance remix will be the soundtrack for all future Girls in Hoodies sleepover parties.
• Michael B. Jordan + Spider-Man = <3
• Daft Punk condoms for your swinging disco lifestyle.
• I’VE ABANDONED MY BOOK!
• Advance praise for Elysium.
• Someone is thinking hard about Sharknado.
• Believe me, I hate myself more than you hate me for linking to photos of Brandi Glanville dressed in 3 inches of gauze and accessorizing with her tampon string while out with “her gays.” I just feel as though it needs to be included in our cultural conversation because it annihilates every other possible wardrobe malfunction from here on out.
• Your Comic-Con party agenda.
• Let’s just call them the bug awards, since the Webbies have been claimed as something else.
• There is no geographical solution to the emotional problems of dog-food tasters/vampire slayers/criminal embalmers/seasonal zombies.