“We got the royale with cheese. Look at my shit! We got fried pickles. Look at this shit!” Every time you talk or text, Spider-Man kills Franco’s father.

• In other Spring Breakers junket news, Selena Gomez does in one sentence what takes Taylor Swift sixteen tracks to accomplish.
• Biting Elbows’ “Bad Motherfucker” (probably NSFW,) a sort of sequel to their 2011 music video “The Stampede,” is a first-person shooter romp with a body count of a few zillion suited dudes and a German Shepherd. Puppy-violence-conscious YouTube initially pulled the video (Biting Elbows thanked fans for their support in a statement on their Facebook page), but it’s back up now in all of its bloody glory.
• Ryan Gosling’s actin’ range spans all the way from “Guys from Brooklyn” to “Guys from Williamsburg.” Honorable mention to the shaggy miniature pony, which the real Gos should probably consider taking on as a sidekick so that women will finally look at him with anything other than disgust.
• Sir Ian McKellen is going to officiate at the wedding of Sir Patrick Stewart. May he never become an X-husband.
• Reporters violently bullying women into revealing the price of their breast insurance: full story at 11.
• iSteve, a Funny or Die Jobs biopic spoof, drops into your laptop on April 15. “In true Internet fashion, it’s not based on very thorough research — essentially a cursory look at the Steve Jobs Wikipedia page.”
• Talented writer and producer Henry Bromell (Homeland, Homicide: Life on the Street, Carnivale, Brotherhood) died of a heart attack.
• Drama brewing on the set of Jane Got a Gun: Lynne Ramsay has disappeared, a producer is pissed, and Natalie Portman is hanging in the balance by her Black Swan cuticle.
• A 12-second sniff of Roman Coppola and Wes Anderson’s collaboration for Prada.
• James Woods has been cast as a Southie in Showtime’s Ray Donovan. Dorchester pride!
• Peter Dinklage, the remix.
• Goodbye, 79.
• “The blazing comet of Anna Nicole Smith‘s short but flamboyant life will burn again next fall when the opera about the tragic celebrity makes its U.S. premiere.” The blazing comet.
• I have always suspected that The X Factor is going to trigger Cowell’s mid-life crisis.
• Out and about with the Green Goblin.
• This coffee will kill you.
• Five crazy theories about The Shining: the Holocaust, Native Americans, demonology and Theseus.
• TV’s Platinum Age, explained with a handy infographic.