The good news is, it’s no longer “Complicated.” The bad news is, Avril Lavigne and person to blame for Nickelback, Chad Kroeger, are married. How are we going to celebrate? By chugging champagne and singing “It Won’t Suck Itself“? Worrying over what’s become of Deryck Whibley? Feel the power of this union. Really feel it. It just makes you feel so small.

• Only try this prank if you’re in a safe place or at a Tame Impala concert.

• Scooter Braun hopes that Justin Bieber will be redeemed by his new single. I hear it’s best played at top volume while speeding recklessly through a gated community.

• Will.i.am vs. Pharrell in the stupidest lawsuit ever, made stupider by the fact that I keep seeing the website iamother.com as “I a Mother dot com.”

• The loneliest ranger in all the land.

• Confrontation Camp versus Hoobastank.

• Brian de Palma’s new film, Diva Fit Passion, peeps you a trailer.

• Jacki Weaver and Marcia Gay Harden join Emma Stone and Colin Firth on the new Woody Allen project.

• Hey, who’s this yuppie pedaling and puffin’ the vapes?

• OK, I hate your #grilz.

• Vulture nailed it: The new Robin Thicke song does in fact resemble “a late-Britney cover of ‘Dick in a Box,’ minus the fancy wrapping.”

• Cauterized eyes, saunas, irrational emotions, and Val Kilmer: a meditation on 2009’s The Steam Experiment.

• One sad candle in a very small cake.

• When you celebrate America on Thursday, just remember: We could have way better commercials.