It is currently 83 degrees in New York, 450 degrees in Los Angeles, and 800 in many parts of the Midwest. It’s either too hot to breathe or about to thunderstorm until Tuesday. I can’t think of a better place to be this weekend than in a cold movie theater with a bunch of strangers, alongside of whom you can revel in hate-watching one of the worst-reviewed movies in recent memory, Getaway. Yesterday The Wrap reported that the Ethan Hawke–Selena Gomez flick might be a rare dud, one that hangs onto its perfect 0 percent Rotten Tomatoes score, but then some kindhearted soul praised Ethan Hawke’s performance (in contrast to Gomez’s alternating “petulance and indifference”) and Getaway can now boast a 2 percent rating with 87 reviews. Here’s Peter Travers dropping the mic: “Selena Gomez, looking like a Munchkin in a hoodie [Editor’s note: like a GIRL in a Hoodie? I thought so. Join us, Selena], tries to steal the car at gunpoint. Why? Because the dumbass script told her to. Why does she keep calling Brent and everyone else in the movie an asshole? Because she’s right. For 89 minutes that feel like 89 hours, cars speed out of control and crash doing only PG-13 damage. The damage to your brain while watching it is incalculable.”

• Or you could just get “silly” (you know, “silly”) with Patrick Stewart and learn the finer points of the quadruple-take.
• But whatever you do, don’t drive silly! One Lamar Odom on the road is enough.
• Lindsay Lohan may be hosting the SNL season premiere. Get ready, cup o’ pencils! It’s your time to shine again.
• Fuck your handbags. There is a musician present.
• If you’re going to fix your eyeliner, get off the damn Ferris wheel.
• Two decades of trolling Letterman.
• Can I interest anyone in a blackface doughnut? No? No takers?
• Jays T and Z debut the video for “Holy Grail” on Facebook. It’s the first major music video to do so. Nice distraction technique, FB. Niiiice.
• Programmer problems: harems.
• A&E cancels The Glades.
• Simon Cowell and Leah Remini are slated as guests for the premiere week of The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Get that dirt, girl.
• Apologies to MLKlout.
• Headline of the day to escort you into your idling weekend limo: The man who deliberately swallowed a human toe in bizarre cocktail ritual is a famous Hurricane Katrina survivor. In case you can’t click because it’s against your morals, the toe is pickled and it must touch the drinker’s lips to count. Count for what? I don’t know, you tell me.