Alex Jones, you so crazy! Why would anyone ever want to take your guns away? While appearing on Piers Morgan’s CNN show Monday night, the psychic radio host and conspiracy theorist (who’s behind the petition to get Morgan deported) defended his Second Amendment rights and melted down like crayon shavings in a hot petri dish: “I’m here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!” and “You have hordes of people burning down cities and beating old women’s brains out everyday” are among the highlights. He also challenged Morgan to a boxing match: “You’re a hatchet man! And I’m going to say this here, you think you’re a tough guy? Have me back with a boxing ring and I’ll wear red, white, and blue, and you’ll wear your Jolly Roger.” Earlier, Jones was detained at the airport for refusing to remove his shoes because he caught athlete’s foot on a prior voyage. I hear it’s terminal.

• Kevin Garnett told Carmelo Anthony that his wife, Lala Vasquez, had a cereal-flavored vagina. Why is this not a compliment? He didn’t say she had a sausage biscuit.
• Nick Nolte channels The Oddfather.
• Nicki Minaj on judging American Idol: “I don’t want to be a part of a show that’s cheesy and corny.” Great choice, then!
• Ass-ghost chairs for sale! Everybody get your ass-ghost chairs while they’re hot!
• Look at this fucking giant squid: “It looked carved out of metal. And it would change from being silver to gold. It was just breathtaking.”
• Stefon presents a colorful guide to New York City’s nightlife, including Spicccyyyy and Jelly Bowls.
• The In Living Color reboot has passed away after prolonged illness.
• Justin Bieber will be hosting and musical-guesting on SNL February 9. Remember this? When he bought Tina Fey a panino, and some Spanx to make her teeny? Don’t ruin that memory for me, Bieber.