25 Absolutely Ironclad, Terrifyingly Accurate Grammy Predictions

The Grammys are this Sunday, so it’s time to make all the important predictions. But before that, here’s an amazing thing that exists.

On Grammy.com:

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Just fantastic. It’s not presented as a simple search to see who’s nominated. It says “are YOU,” which is so much better. Imagine, at this point in the game, not knowing if you were up for a Grammy … but then finding out that there was an alert atop the Grammys homepage. And then actually clicking “here.”

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And then clicking on the letter “J” and scrolling down:

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And then seeing your name, exploding with joy, and then clicking it, to then learn you’ve been nominated for all of the Grammys.

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And then, still in shock, deciding to provide your contact information, so as to avoid any future last-minute happenstance Grammy stumble-upons.

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And then submitting the information to make it all official.

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So, yes, just know that this exists. And it might be worth it to check for yourself. Who knows, maybe the audio to some Vine you posted ended up on Red. You never know.

But I digress…


25. LL Cool J will host. (Confirmed.)

24. He will call out Brad Paisley in the crowd and say “My man, what a year.” (Unconfirmed, but fingers crossed.)

23. Jay Z will perform with Beyoncé. (Confirmed.)

22. Beyoncé will end the performance by rubbing her belly again. (Unconfirmed, but BLUE NEEDS A LITTLE BROTHER.)

21. Imagine Dragons will perform with Kendrick Lamar. (Confirmed.)

20. Justin Bieber will come out during their performance of “Radioactive Money Trees” in a wheelchair and perform “Murder Was the Case.” (Unconfirmed, but someone is weighing the pros and cons of idea in #TeamFreeBieber.)

19. Queens of the Stone Age, Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl, and Lindsey Buckingham will perform together. (Confirmed.)

18. Lindsey Buckingham will actually be Bill Hader as Lindsey Buckingham. (Unconfirmed.)

17. Because Macklemore has said that he shouldn’t win in some of the rap categories he’s nominated for, he will win two — if not all three — of the three rap categories (Best Rap Song, Best Rap Album, and Best Rap Performance). (Unconfirmed, but it’s how these things work, after all.)

16. In each speech, an increasingly uncomfortable, embarrassed Macklemore — realizing that losing would have been much better than winning — will dedicate the awards to the following people: Kendrick Lamar, Martin Luther King Jr., Chuck D, Nelson Mandela, Mumia Abu-Jamal, Leontyne Price, Hattie McDaniel, Ken Griffey Jr. (Unconfirmed.)

15. Macklemore will wear a Richard Sherman jersey. (Unconfirmed.)

14. Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers, and Stevie Wonder will perform together. (Confirmed.)

13. Stevie will give a speech. It will not be planned. It will not be in the script. It will be awesome. Also, he’ll be wearing a Richard Sherman jersey. (Unconfirmed.)

12. Lorde will accept her Grammy for “Royals” with Rick Ross. (Unconfirmed.)

11. The Macklemore/Ryan Lewis performance will just be a retelling of the final scene in V for Vendetta. (Unconfirmed.)

10. Marc Anthony, Ginuwine, 2 Chainz, Jared Leto, and Chicago will be sitting very close to one another. (Confirmed.)

9. Leto will ask Ginuwine who is the first “T” in TGT. Ginuwine will pass him a note. It will say Tank. Leto will then tweet “just met TGT (Tank, Ginuwine, Tyrese) #brothers.” Tyrese will see the tweet and leave the Grammys. Ten minutes later, TGT will win the Grammy for Best R&B Album. Tank and Ginuwine will walk onstage and bring up new member Jared Leto. (Confirmed.)

8. If Kanye shows up at the Grammys, he will not win. If he skips them, he will win. It’s that simple. (Almost confirmed.)

7. Kacey Musgraves will wear the same color as Taylor Swift. (Unconfirmed.)

6. People will talk about that. (Confirmed.)

5. Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will sit next to each other and perform together. (Confirmed.)

4. Madonna will take a selfie with her neighbor Katy Perry. (Pretty confirmed.)

3. The caption will say: “With my girl Katy. Boo you better Roar. #disdarkhorseni**a.(Unconfirmed, but highly probable.)

2. If so, she most certainly will not use asterisks. (Confirmed.)

1. Sara Bareilles will win Album of the Year, say in her speech that it’s a travesty Yeezus wasn’t nominated, dedicate her award to Kanye West, and all will suddenly be right in the world. (Unconfirmed.)

Filed Under: Grammys, Music, Awards

Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert