Were you aware that Justin Bieber’s penis has a nickname? Of course you weren’t, you’re a grown-up and a visitor to a Web site that is generally a Bieber-Free Zone, a safe place from this sort of nonsense. Apparently, his fans have dubbed his junk “Jerry,” and “Jerry” has been trending on Twitter, because that is a social-networking site primarily dedicated to the dissemination of breaking news about the genitalia of tennis-ball-headed pop stars. But before you click away from this post in disgust, can we all first agree that this is a terrible nickname for Justin Bieber’s penis? Here are 10 better names, off the top of our heads, with very little forethought:

• Carl
• Alfonso
• Boyfriend
• Rusty
• My Little Pony (h/t Ginuwine)
• Wheels
• Put That Thing Away, This Is Sesame Street, Not Cool
• Captain Swagger
• Linda
• Steve

We’re done here.