The Month in Fake Grantland

Garrett W. Ellwood/Getty Images Tim Tebow

On July 28, Jared Bloom started the Twitter feed @fakegrantland, filled with what purported to be rejected stories from this website. We quickly realized they were better than a lot of what we were coming up with in our ideas meeting and greenlit them. (Not really.) Here are excerpts from the best of the (totally made-up) stories he came up with this month:

“Schott Caller: The 1990 Reds Playoff Run and the Birth of Midwest Hip Hop”

“… although, in fairness, his flow is only a little bit whack.

If Jose Rijo was the Reds’ Nelly, then Chris Sabo was clearly its Bone Thugs. He brought harmony to a team that was delicately balancing the heavy-breathing gangsta lean of Rob Dibble with the studied stoicism of Ken Griffey, Sr. Is it any wonder, then, that ‘Tha Crossroads’ was released almost exactly 5 years and 7 months after Piniella and the Reds lifted the World Series trophy? …”

“Air Dud: Power Ranking America’s Worst Dog Quarterbacks”

“… 3) Murphy (Ames, IA) — This dog absolutely f**king sucks at football. He takes off at the first sign of trouble and has shown very little paw talent …”

“Ayn Randall Cunningham: Were the 1988 Eagles the NFL’s First Objectivist Offense?”

“… found myself sitting alone in a stadium blaring ‘Tom Sawyer.’

There is very little evidence that Randall Cunningham was thinking about John Galt each time he pulled the ball down and ran for pay dirt like a runaway train hurtling past Rearden Steel in the name of rational self-interest. But, if you think about it, there is even less evidence that he definitely wasn’t…”

“Quarterback to the Future: Tim Tebow and the New NFL Space-Time Continuum”

“Earlier in the decade, the first three quarters of an NFL game were considered to be ‘important’ by the NFL literati. But the Spartan beauty of going 2-8 with 39 passing yards and 24 rushing yards through 45 minutes has now rendered 75 percent of the game largely inconsequential for quarterbacks, much like QB Rating or canicide …”

“The Walking Fed: The Zombification of the World’s Greatest Tennis Player and Other Important Thoughts about Zombies”

“… once had a backhand like a Rookie-of-the-Year-armed Adonis.

Bit therein lies the rub. After all, to trivialize zombies is to trivialize ourselves — if for no other reason than zombies were once us and we are always them. If an animated corpse can remain in the Top 3 of the ATP Rankings, then who’s to say that we as a people can’t finish third in a race to heightened consciousness. The answer? We are. We are the ones to say this.”

“Sic Semper Moranis: The Complicated Legacy of Danny O’Shea and the Little Giants”

“… It took about 10 years for the ‘Annexation of Puerto Rico’ to creep its way into the culture of NFL play-calling. Granted, no team has ever hiked the ball, ran around aimlessly, and then allowed its fattest player to stumble 80 yards downfield with little-to-no blocking. But if you can find a better precedent for what Jim Harbaugh is doing in San Francisco, I’m listening.

But as I was saying about Icebox’s first kiss …”

“Gym Class Heroes: ‘Grantland for Kids’ Kickball Tips”

“… and for an even better measure of your efficiency, simply divide the numerator by your VORP.

No. 74 — Sure, ‘taking pitches’ may make you incredibly unpopular. But, remember: It’s called Win Shares, not Win Friends …”

“From the Grantland Archives: Jean-Paul Sartre Previews the 1950 World Cup”

“… 6) England — They are building on a strong European Cup campaign and I fully expect them to at least escape their group. From there, I would guess that their lives will slowly but gradually lose their meanings until the team finds itself bathing in a pool of nothingness. Odds: 6:1 …

5) USSR — This is a team that’s here to stay …”

Jared Bloom is a writer and comedian living in New York City. You can follow him on Twitter at @jaebloom and follow his Grantland parody account at @fakegrantland.

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