The Australian Open is one of my favorite sporting events, because for almost 15 years now, I’ve set my alarm for 3 a.m. to wake up, turn on the television, and watch the matches in real time. I don’t know why this happens — apparently something to do with daylight, time zones, and kangaroos — but that’s the way it’s always been, and I love it. Anyway, because most normal American humans aren’t staying up to watch the first round of the Open in the middle of the night, I figured I would throw on a Le Coq Sportif warm-up suit, sit in front of my TV, and then report back.

First Round Notes

I. Men’s no. 1 seed Novak Djokovic unnecessarily practices his between-the-legs shot against Paolo Lorenzi in an easy first-round win. Only loses two games in the three sets. What a jerk.

II. Still-Grand Slam-less women’s no. 1 seed Caroline Wozniacki defeats Anastasia Rodionova before I can successfully finish scrambling three eggs. (To Rodionova’s credit, there were seven egg casualties in the breakfast massacre.)

III. Women’s 12-seed Serena Williams defeats Tamira Paszek 6-3, 6-2, and Serena-frowns throughout the entire match.

IV. Men’s 15-seed Andy Roddick defeats Dutchman Robin Haase, which means he didn’t lose, which is confusing to me.

V. After winning the 2011 U.S. Open, Women’s no. 6 seed paper champion Sam Stosur is knocked out of the first round 7-6(2), 6-3 by Sorana Cirstea.

VI. Men’s 4-seed and reigning worst-best player in the world Andy Murray plays classic Andy Murray worst-best tennis (39 winners, 40 unforced errors) in a first-round win against American Ryan Harrison.

VII. Australian boy wonder Bernard Tomic comes back from two sets down to defeat 22-seed Fernando Verdasco.

VIII. Still the world’s coolest player, Tommy Haas advances to the second round, setting up a match against Rafael Nadal.

IX. Roger Federer loses only nine games in first-round win. Nadal loses only six.

X. In other Roger/Rafa news, the two men finally end their congenial charade and start publicly feuding. Well, more like Nadal publicly blaming Federer for not standing up for the players (being the tour’s 1 percent), and Federer brushing it off (in classic 1 percent fashion).

Will report more at the conclusion of the second round. Until then, please send me another Le Coq Sportif warm-up. This one is starting to smell.