The Headliner

The Dark Knight Rises

The capper to Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy drew mixed reviews during its theatrical run, so if the bad ones kept you away, now’s your chance to form an opinion before its inevitable nomination for several technical Oscars and probably none for writing or acting.

Bane’s (Tom Hardy) plot: too complicated? Bane’s voice: too silly? Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman: superior to Michelle Pfeiffer’s? Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) using his Batman voice, when he’s suited up, with Morgan Freeman’s Fox, even though Fox totally knows who he is: still?! You’ll be able to answer all these questions and more — and, best of all, you can pause it for bathroom breaks, and you will need to, because this thing is LONG.

New and Notable

Beasts of the Southern Wild

An adorable little girl and her dad navigate life in the Louisiana bayou in this award-baiting festival favorite.

 

Hope Springs

If you’ve been yearning to see older Oscar winners overcoming the difficulties in a sexless marriage and/or watch Meryl Streep (SPOILER) give Tommy Lee Jones (SPOILER) a beej, now’s your chance.

 

The Iron Lady

Or if that Meryl Streep isn’t to your liking, check her out in the long-awaited sequel to The Iron Giant. Just kidding, it’s a Margaret Thatcher biopic.

 

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

This is the kind of nonsense that defensively terms itself a “feel-great movie.” Doubtful!

 

Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry 

Sundance-winning documentary about the dissident artist known as “Beijing’s Andy Warhol.”

 

Elf-Man

Jason “Wee Man” Acuña stars in this Christmas movie that invents some new elf-related mythology. As a Christmas originalist, I can’t approve of this.

 

Silent Night 

In a remake of 1984’s Silent Night, Deadly Night, a serial killer dressed as Santa starts crossing people off the “naughty” list. And when I say “crossing people off,” I mean murdering them.

 

The Dog Who Saved the Holidays

Shelley Long and Dean Cain star in this cautionary tale about carefully managing your TV residuals.

 

The Grand Theft 

To finance their film, producers of a heist flick plan to steal an expensive necklace from the jewelry store they’re going to be shooting in. “Screwball comedy” is really all you need to know.

 

Follow Me: The Yoni Netanyahu Story 

A documentary about the man who led the famed raid on Entebbe.

 

Green

Female friends are torn apart over love of a guy who is not even that cute.

Richard’s Wedding

A bunch of insufferable Brooklynites attend a hipster wedding. I mean, the trailer doesn’t specify that they’re Brooklynites, but I guarantee that they are.

 

Gayby

A straight girl asks her gay best friend to get her pregnant via sex rather than insemination for reasons the trailer doesn’t explain.

 

Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn 

Apparently there’s a series of live-action movies based on the video game Halo? This is the latest.

 

Bones Brigade: An Autobiography

Stacy Peralta’s latest is the biography of the greatest skateboarding team ever. (Yes, that includes Tony Hawk.)

 

Opportunistic Backlist Revival Theme of the Week: Batman

In honor of The Dark Knight Rises‘ VOD debut, we get this assemblage of recent Batman titles, including the animated Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Parts 1-12, Batman: Year One, Batman: Gotham Knight, and the first two films of Nolan’s trilogy. The Dark Knight is the best of the collection. (Don’t watch Batman Begins. It is terrible.)

 

“In Theaters” VOD Picks

The Central Park Five 

From Ken Burns, a documentary about the Central Park Jogger rape case and the controversy surrounding the conviction of five suspects based on their coerced false confessions.

 

Dying to Do Letterman

Stand-up comic Steve Mazan documents his quest to get on The Late Show With David Letterman before aggressive cancer takes his life.

 

Waiting for Lightning

This documentary about extreme skateboarder Danny Way will probably look especially amazing if you have a really big TV. The guy skates the Great Wall of China!

 

The Sheik and I

When the Sheik of Sharjah commissions an independent filmmaker to create a movie for the Middle Eastern Biennial, the director travels to the UAE to make it. This is a documentary about the making of that movie, which ended up getting banned.

 

Angels of Sex

A hip-hop dancer caught between his love for his girlfriend and his attraction to another dude in his crew? YES PLEASE.

 

Weird Indie of the Week

Last Ounce of Courage 

This week’s poorly acted Christian propaganda — in which a small-town mayor honors his dead son by imposing religious law on his town — also stars blaxploitation star Fred Williamson???

 

Early VOD Premiere of the Week

Storage 24

Hey, a horror director thought of a new place to lock characters while something murderous could toy with them before picking them off! This time, it’s a public storage facility.

 

Masochist’s Choice

King Kelly 

A dumb, irritating girl yearns for fame via webcam in this found-footage film.