A yellow-eyed werewolf drags B.D.W.R. down a hospital corridor as two others go in for The Scarecrow (Bill) and The Tin Man (Eric). A reconstituted Russell wearing dirty blue striped linen pajamas tries to make Sookie part with more of her precious fairy blood. Sookie shoots a burst of Spidey-Stackhouse energy from her palms, which maims Russell long enough for Bill and Eric to get the jump on him. They are discussing torture layout options when a group of officials with red laser beams tell them to freeze.

Tara puts Jessica through a bathroom wall defending herself in their Fangtasia catfight over guylinered Hoyt. Pam lets them scrap for a minute before stepping in to assist Tara. Jessica, not used to losing, swallows her ginger pride and limps off in anger. Pam gives Tara a compliment followed swiftly by a neg, because Pam is a world-class player. Terry and Noel from Felicity are making a run for it but get stopped in their tracks by the nefarious Ifrit demon, who throws a few posts of fire in their way. I guess bad luck will follow you out of Bon Temps all the way to the Sunnydale Hellmouth.

muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuush

At the mental hospital, Russell resists his capture by The Authority and mocks their belief in the goddess Lilith. He gets slapped in the face by the team leader, a tall drink of water in a black military beret. As he is carted off, he yells sassily that they might as well believe in “the motherfuckin’ Kardashians.” Captain Fangs forces Bill and Eric to glamour Sookie, Alcide, and Doug into forgetting they ever saw any of this. Sookie greets this plan dead-eyed and unsmiling, like “r u 4 srs.”

Doug, the poor bastard who led Sookie and her pack of boy toys to the building, is singled out for further questioning. Two of the other prisoners promise to snitch. Eric glamours Alcide with a slow hand. Sookie continues to skeptically scare down her ex Bill while he puts the Eternal Sunshine whammy on her thought box. Sam and Luna do the bleed-and-scream as they’re wheeled into surgery on gurneys. Luna’s daughter the puppy begs at a door and gets let in by were-matriarch Martha.

“Maul me maybe?”

Back at Fangtasia, Jessica is nursing her bruised ego and confused heart as Hoyt sidles up to pour margarita salt in her ultra-fast healing wounds. He smiles because he says Jess just proved that she still loves him, a fantasy she quickly stomps on with the uncomfortable truth that they are over for good and his purple jean vest makes him look like Grimace. Even though she didn’t want Tara to touch him, Jess is turned off by Hoyt’s desperate pleas for rough pity ex sex and bolts from the club.

Alcide drives Sookie home as they nurse their terrible glamouring hangovers. Bill and Eric are marched into the back of a vehicle. The vampire wearing the beret backtracks on his promise to glamour Russell’s rescued victims and drains them mercilessly instead. Jason wakes up from another long, strange nap to find his ghost-dad perched on the couch watching him sleep. Jason “Hamlet” Stackhouse vows revenge against the vampires who killed his poor folks. His father tells him to watch out for cutaways where you wake up from a dream at the crucial informational moment.

B.D.W.R. wakes up naked in Sookie’s pink frosted bedroom and tiptoes downstairs to find Sook sulking in a rosebud henley with a mug of tea. B.D.W.R. has a throb in his groin that reminds him they executed foreplay all over Sookie’s gran’s house under the influence of much flowing cheap peach liqueur. Sookie says they never hit home base. She grabs his hand and mind-melds to show him what actually happened, Russell Edgington recon mission and all. He is creeped out, and Sookie assures him that she can’t believe she ever found Bill or Eric attractive. Once you go werewolf …

“Don’t blame Felicity! She was young and superficial! It was college!”

Sam pushes a nurse aside to find Luna in her hospital bed. Martha shows up at the hospital to return Emma to Luna. Martha wants a connection with her granddaughter, which Luna grants on the condition that she help protect Emma from whoever’s out to get shifters. Terry escapes from Noel’s truck into the chaparral of Griffith Park. Noel chases after him the way Felicity chased handsome Ben Covington all the way to NYU. Terry flashes back to his wartime atrocities and feels the stinging regret that Felicity felt when she kept choosing the volatile and fickle Ben over dull but dependable Noel Crane.

Lafayette goes to see his mother, Alfre Woodard, in the mental hospital, who’s just had a seizure. She’s been having visions related to his dead ex-boyfriend, which is just the type of family therapy fuel that’s par for the course. Remember when Lafayette was the comic relief? Holly the witch and Arlene girl talk about Terry’s dark secret. Sookie complains that a gross dad ogled her tits while he ordered. Sookie’s so much cooler when she’s surly. The three waitresses talk smack on unreliable men.

Shifters ain’t ish but hoes and tricks

Ears burning, Jason Stackhouse walks in to tell his sister all about his plan to be a fearless vampire killer. She doesn’t buy that their parents were murdered by vamps until Jason tells her that their cousin Hadley was the one who filled him in. Sookie demands Jason bring her to the horrible fairy burlesque club to verify it. Sam Merlotte reports the shooting as a hate crime to Frank Sobotka and asks to be the police dog. Sobotka says no, and Sam calls him out on his mundanity privilege.

Alcide goes to the country werewolf jamboree, where Martha’s husband J.D. is making time with a young were-chippie. Alcide is like “NICE” (sarcasm) and J.D. says he and his wife have an arrangement, which is generally what people say when they are full of shit. Alcide shames J.D. for being a V addict and challenges him for the title of leader of the pack. J.D. says you need a co-sign to do that, according to the made-up ancient werewolf law he just invented right now.

“Welcome to the world’s worst boutique hotel! Would you like a muddled blood cocktail?”

Eric and Bill take an elevator underground to Authority HQ, which is designed like a corny mixology bar. The iStakes are removed as reward for their capture of Russell. Christopher Meloni wears a very tight tennis shirt and passes around a decanter of expensive blood he’s been saving for a time like this. He advocates that they execute Russell on the spot, comparing him to a dangerous terrorist. Salome wants to go a more centrist way and keep Russell alive for further interrogation.

Terry sheepishly returns to Merlotte’s. He breaks down when telling Arlene about the Iraqi curse, confessing to his drugged-out war crimes and explaining the smoke monster ghost now on his tail. Arlene worries he’s gone off his meds. She recites the chant for outsourcing responsibility: “I need an adult.” Terry rejects it, not wanting to endanger her life, and Arlene reluctantly lets him go off alone.

Music and passion were always in fashion at the horrible fairy club!

Jason and Sookie wander the field where he recently teleported to the fairy strip club. She walks right through a random portal into the parallel dimension, pulling Jason in with her to the supernatural shitty club where the drinks are probably weak and cost 20 bucks. Sookie finds Hadley at the bar wearing a bachelorette-party outfit. Sookie gets introduced to the hot skinny fairy dude that Jessica chased through a field. He looks and behaves like Stefon. Sobotka grills the owner of the Stake House for clues. His attempt to murder Sobotka is stopped by an arrow from Sam.

A self-destructive Hoyt with nothing left to lose lets a vamp drain him in the alleyway outside Fangtasia. Even the vamp thinks they ought to slow down, but Hoyt tells him to keep going. A drive-by shooting turns the vamp into a strawberry Gusher. The evil rednecks in Obama masks load Hoyt into the truck to save him. At the worst club ever, contortionists do swing-dancing in front of vampire funhouse mouths. The fairy lad introduces his sisters and promises he won’t harm anyone.

At Jason’s urging, fairy guy tells the story of the Stackhouse parents’ murder. How a vampire was drawn to them because he smelled Sookie’s blood on a Band-Aid, his toon eyes glowing red. Sookie no longer trusts anyone. Not vampires, not werewolves, not fairies, and not charming politicians. She accidentally sprays a fairy beam, which triggers several fairies crossing their streams of sparkling light.

“Breathe out, feeling the tension of the day leave your body as you find your center. Look at my arms.”

Nora prays while Eric watches through the bars. Russell is dragged to his execution chamber. Nora praises Lilith and shakes like Ophelia. Christopher Meloni leads a vampire yoga class through a few asanas. On his knees, Russell makes some good points about hypocrisy in an Ashley Schaeffer voice. Meloni counters by raising his eyebrows and pecs. As he readies to stake Russell, Russell unexpectedly flips the situation around and shows Christopher Meloni to his death. Goodnight, sweet vampire Christopher Meloni. Now come back to SVU, we’ve been keeping your place warm. Love, Mariska.