It’s impossible to select the best excerpts from the batshit-crazy e-mail of mass destruction sent by a member of the University of Maryland’s Delta Gamma chapter to the rest of its members. “C—- punt” is a good place to start, but there’s so much more. Delta Gamma’s president asked for “assistance” from Gawker in removing the sorority’s name from its piece; obviously, it seems like they’re out of luck there. DG’s Facebook page has some pretty interesting comments going on under a damage-control status update (“You ladies are a hoot”), and rumors as to the identity of the author have started to percolate. I’m not linking to the rumors, though. Who am I, CNN? Google away.

• Some lady locked herself up in Eddie Kaye Thomas’s house. There was tear gas. I am assuming that she had some Finch-like objection to using a public restroom and this was the closest house she could find.
• “You Wookiee sack of shit.” — Harrison Ford
• Archival footage: Tuna, starring Nick Offerman and Louis C.K.
• Johnny Depp wants to play Carol Channing. I can’t imagine anyone would object to this.
• The full Cannes lineup is here. The festival will open with The Great Gatsby and close with Zulu.
• Please don’t ever use the world DwILF again. Or MILF. Or DILF. It’s over. Say good-bye, now. Moving on: a supercut of Tyrion’s one-liners from Game of Thrones.
• The remake of Weird Science “will attempt to carve out its own identity by being redrawn as an edgier comedy in line with 21 Jump Street and The Hangover” and will be produced by Joel Silver.
• Sleep tight, ya morons!
• Dexter enters its final season. For realsies.
• Reddit versus “the media.”
• This animal’s name is Apple Moonbeam.
• Tilda Swinton wearing centipedes, who in turn wear tiny little space suits.