Last night on Conan, O’Brien’s old buddy Louis C.K. stopped by to reminisce about working together on Late Night back in the day, failing to pick up Gwyneth Paltrow at a Christmas party, and why he won’t let his daughters have cell phones. Was it because he was afraid they’d turn into morally bankrupt adults who would promise to pay homeless people to stand in the iPhone line for them, then leave said homeless people unpaid and stranded? No, that’s just an added bonus: It’s because phones strip us of our ability to “just sit there, like this [sits there]. That’s being a person, right?” Learning to deal with that “empty — forever empty” phoneless feeling not only prepares you to handle your own inescapable loneliness, it gives you the kind of armor that will keep you from texting and driving. Everyone wins, except his daughter’s phone Scrabble ELO ratings.

• I mean, at least he didn’t sell their One Direction tickets on eBay. That’s cold-blooded parenting.
• A leaked document that hints at a Lost that never was.
• Brad Paisley made some good points in defense of the epic fumble “Accidental Racist,” and another accidental racist (well, maybe not so accidental), Big Brother‘s Aaryn Gries, continues to explain herself with less success.
• You had me at “vampire Western.”
• A stage adaptation of Fatal Attraction: Don’t bring your bunny to the theater.
• Miley asks her fans to please stop threatening to gut Lorde.
• Mark Burnett keeps pitching space-themed reality shows. This one offers its winner a trip on the Virgin Galactic SpaceShipTwo.
• The fake books you wish were real, including Curious George and the Ebola Virus, but not including Sterling’s Gold, because that book IS real (though, dare I say, half-assed).
• A brief “Ozymandias” Photoshop break.
• This is a Rick Grimes Halloween costume. You got that? Now this is a “Sassy Rick Grimes” Halloween costume. Because you want to fight zombies, but you’re planning to get laid after. That’s sassy!