Body talk: Lena Dunham and her body electric are both on the cover of the upcoming issue of Rolling Stone. “But I’m sick of talking about that,” you say, to which I respond, “Then stop talking about it in engaging ways, or at all.” “OK,” you reply, “then let’s talk about why the sexy M&M has Caucasian limbs.” “Maybe,” I muse as we start painting each other’s nails, “it’s because sex and racism are recent bedfellows in this ever-changing culture in which we live.” You start to hum “Live and Let Die.” “Shut up,” I say, “shut your dirty mouth. It isn’t funny. Sports Illustrated is not only responsible for perpetuating offensive stereotypes, it also plotted to take the life of Kate Upton by sending her to Antarctica in a bikini bottom. Her body shut down.” Then a bird flies by and shits on our heads, one at a time, so we leave.

• “Hey, scary old grandpa.” All the sad-face emoticons in the world won’t save you from angry Beliebers.
• What’s that crazy Harlem Shake thing, little nipper, and how can I protect myself from its virus?
• John Leguizamo’s pilot goes into the cocktail shaker, adds cameras, subtracts Chris Sheridan.
• Hugh Jackman’s “self-help guru” friend “suggested the strapping 6-foot-3 superstar name the secure and insecure sides of his personality. “Frank was the more confident, and Charles was the other,” says Jackman.” Also, his “idyllic life” has been affected by gay rumors that “bug” his wife. Jackman remains relatively unperturbed because he only uses the Internet to read “cricket sites and The Economist.“
• Hugh Laurie is in negotiations to join the thuper thecret Tomorrowland.
• Whoever wrote Amanda Bynes into existence just added red light bulbs into Chapter 12.
• Juliette Binoche will play Camille Claudel in an “impossibly sad” film. How sad? Let’s see: “The absence of sculpture,” “despair, depression, and uncontrollable tears,” “convinced people are trying to poison her,” “WHO IS MORE DERANGED?” “always a boiled potato and egg,” “she weeps in despair,” “buried in a communal grave, and no one from her family, not even Paul, attended her funeral.”
• Proto-negging.
• Oh, cool. Who is the sexiest pregnant person? Next up, sexiest placentas! Related: Paparazzi basically attempts to crawl inside Evan Rachel Wood’s vagina to snap first photos of her child. Ugh times a billion.
• The Beyoncé sandwich is disgusting.