Google’s New Year’s Resolutions map, and its sometimes wonkified translations of those resolutions (“to be overcome in everything, do everything to all!”), attempts to capture the flava of 2013 at its most nascent stage. So far, we want puppies and more money. Will a slew of Ryan Gosling movies suffice?

• Meanwhile, Wired takes a look at its 2003 predictions for products that would hit the market in 2013, and takes a stab at what might be coming in 2023 — though I’d bet nutritional probes that attach to your iPhone so you can stick them into your sandwich are going to come equipped with their own very florid strain of futuristic stomach plague. Looks like Larry, the robotic vomit machine, may be spewing neon faux-upchuck in double-time.
• Anderson Cooper wrestled the elusive Slithery Blow Job monster during CNN’s live New Year’s Eve broadcast. As his penis hurriedly packed its rucksack and detached from his body to run away to Cambodia, Cooper held friend and co-host Kathy Griffin upright as many wondered what baby he had recently eaten to be punished this way during what should have been somber coverage of Maine’s annual sardine-statue kissing event.
• The “varied and intimate” topics covered in Vanity Fair’s cover story on Jennifer Lawrence: acting is stupid, she “cr[ies] to her mother,” and she almost shot people who she thought were home intruders with her Hunger Games crossbow. Her friends, disappointed by the low (0) body count, reportedly joked, “We’ve got to stage someone to break into your house and you can kill them!” Caesar Flickerman, this is your chance to host Punk’d. Just don’t invite Kathy Griffin or she’ll try to kiss your sardine.
• “Ironically, the only person who didn’t want to be David Letterman is David Letterman,” especially when he’s being plunked down at an awards ceremony and not allowed to talk, as he was at the 35th Annual Kennedy Center Honors at the White House. Letterman seemed to be in pretty good spirits during the tribute, despite the “40 percent” chance that he’d later hang himself with his medal.
• I’m Batman. I don’t enjoy anything, especially replicated Batmobiles. Mark Towle, who owns Gotham Garage, is battling Warner Bros. in a lawsuit that grapples with the question of “just what exactly is the Batmobile? Is it a car or something more?” According to the defendant, DC Comics is claiming that the color of the Batmobile (shiny cartoon black?) is copyright-able; the only thing I care about in this debate is which car has night-vision headlamps. Because I want them.
• Introducing Scartopher Walkensson.
• Going to space for more than a month is bad for your brain, eyeballs, pituitary glands, and the dog you really should have walked before you left.
• A chronological account of every pop culture reference in Tarantino movies, including Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Titch, and Pete.
• A Dish best served cold, and on your dime.