Here’s a short story based on the links of the day: Once upon a time, there was a family of ducks led by a musician with a bleeding ulcer. One day, they all started marching over to a late-night show’s soundstage when they heard the blast of a shotgun and ran the other way. They fled all the way to Iran, where one duck looked at the other and noticed he was suddenly wearing a very modest turtleneck sweater. “We have to fly back,” said the duck in the turtleneck. “It’s too hot in this outfit. I’m positively confiting myself.” He looked at his watch. The hands were spinning backward. “Oh great, a time warp,” he quacked. “Looks like we can still make the cockroach petting zoo at the Ins-X Files festival.” The flock passed over the new cast of Dancing With the Stars on the way to the festival, blessing the tops of their heads with magical dancing bombs. The end.

• “A journey through time, space, Albuquerque, and photos of bathrooms.” And Bryan Cranston.
• Pete Holmes’s late-night comedy series gets an order from TBS. All jokes aside, I’d watch You Got Coned!
• Alicia Silverstone is coming to Lifetime. Chew on that.
• Kurt Sutter’s Lucas Stand is “A dark action/horror drama with both episodic and serialized elements” and features a “former special ops soldier” versus “hell’s law-breaking demons,” so “I will probably watch it.”
• The ad has been circulating for a while, but it has taken some time for America to compose itself enough to express why we hate “Daddy’$ Shoes.”
• Critical darling Chopped All-Stars returns for another season in April.
• My boyfriend JB Smoove has been cast alongside Will Arnett in an upcoming untitled comedy for CBS.
• Oh, we’re half-bray there. Oh, oh! Goats on a prayer.
• “It’s not scientifical. It’s faith.”
• Warning: This video is sad. Final score: cruise ships 2, humans 0.
• Why, yes. I am linking you to an embroidery troubleshooting guide. WRONG NEEDLE SIZE!!!!