“Previously on 24”

Acting CIA Station Chief Erik Ritter (Benny Black Bratts), Cheng Zhi (the most diabolical hater this side of the Yangtze), Chloe O’Brian (needs a new man, because her old man is very dead), Audrey Boudreau (just wants Jack to take her to Nobu), Chief of Staff Mark Boudreau (fully aware that Audrey wants to go to Nobu with Jack, will send assassins to disguise themselves as Nobu waitstaff).

Episode 11: 9-10 p.m.

At the top of the hour, we arrive at Heller Camp, where the ranking Naval officer gets word of the missile fired at the Chinese ship. In case you forgot, THE CHENG IS BACK and just used the device to make an American ship attack a Chinese ship.

And then, instantly, we’re back to the firefight, featuring the Bauers (Jack and Lil Kate The). They still don’t know who the people are, but Jack has a hunch (a correct hunch, because this is Jack) that these Russians aren’t people connected with Adrian. New Russians. Meaner Russians. What he can’t know, however, is that they’re Russians sent by Mustache, all because of a jealous husband who can’t make his girl laugh the way Jack does.

We pull away from the shootout, and there he is.

As previously noted, right when you think things can’t get worse with Cheng, they immediately get worse. This hour’s example: One of Cheng’s tech cronies pulls up a security camera. And he spots this happening in real time:

Wunderbar. JUST WUNDERBAR.

Jack is the only person who prevents Cheng from going full Cheng. And because he’s got some Jack paranoia about him, Cheng packs up the operation and flees (because he thinks Jack already knows about him and is after him). They bring Chloe, too (who tries to steal a phone but fails, because she’s legendarily bad at being IRL sneaky), because Cheng understands Jack. And his weaknesses. Which is bad for Jack, ESPECIALLY WHEN RUSSIANS ARE ALSO TRYING TO CAPTURE HIM.

Back to the shootout, and guns-bullets-fire-explosions, and then backup arrives. All the remaining Russians are killed, which means Mustache didn’t get what he wanted. (Jack.) Which, more importantly, means Boudreau still isn’t in the clear.

Back to Jack, who is tracking the device, which leads him to the Hackathon slaughter room, filled with Dead Adrian and all of Dead Adrian’s dead associates. Also in the room: the tracker that was once in the device. As one can assume, it’s hard to track a device without its tracker. But then the bloodhound that is Lil Kate The Bauer walks in and finds a phone.

The phone that Chloe tried to steal.

SHE HITS RECORD BECAUSE SHE’S A GENIUS.

SHE MEANT TO GET CAUGHT. BECAUSE SHE WANTED JACK TO FIND THE PHONE AND HEAR HIS VOICE.

THE VOICE OF THE CHENG.

Bauer: “Play it again, PLAY IT AGAIN.”

Lil Kate: “You recognize the voice?”

Bauer: “Will never forget it.”

At this point Jack, utterly and rightfully terrified, calls the president. And tells him, on speakerphone, that a still-alive Cheng has the device. Everyone understands how terrible this is, but no one more than Jack. And Audrey, who hears the name and goes similarly numb.

But then Jack goes on, telling President Heller that Cheng must be working with someone else, because he was attacked by Russians. And instantly, this happens:

Nothing has been as fun as watching this man take loss after loss after loss. His plan is a bologna sandwich on white bread with no mayo or anything, with just one slice of bologna. Because Jack’s going to find out who those Russians are. And you best believe, if he finds out that Boudreau’s involved, he’s going to TATTLE.

And then, quickly, we get even closer to Boudreau’s plan falling apart. The New Analyst Who Replaced the Old Analyst Who Knew Too Much figures out that the Russians were tracking Bauer using a transmitter code. And that the only people who would have that encrypted code are the CIA station and … THE WHITE HOUSE.

Jack’s confused about why the White House would have it. And then The New Analyst Who Replaced the Old Analyst Who Knew Too Much delivers the People’s Elbow.

The New Analyst Who Replaced the Old Analyst Who Knew Too Much: “The President’s Chief of Staff, Mark Boudreau, he requested it.”

Jack: “Son of a bitch.”

Me: “YA DONE, SON.”

While the countdown to the end of Boudreau has officially started, we have to step away from that joyous occasion — briefly. Because I dare you to find a more terror-filled True Detective phone call than Mustache and Cheng, taking advantage of free nights.

Cheng and Mustache are working together. This is not good for peace.

What I made from the conversation:

Cheng: “TERROR.”

Mustache: “I LOVE TERROR.”

Cheng: “NOT AS MUCH AS ME, ALSO TERRROOORRRR.”

Mustache: “MY MUSTACHE: IT’S MADE OF TERROR.”

Cheng: “HOW COME YOU DIDN’T KILL BAUER?”

Mustache: “MY B, WAS TOO FOCUSED ON TERROR.”

Cheng: “AIGHT, LET’S MEET UP, SEE YOU SOON.”

Next we see the Bauers on a drive, with Jack explaining the Cheng backstory, about how Cheng feels China betrayed him, why he would want revenge, and how the Russians must have found a way to make it look like Cheng was killed. And then Lil Kate mentions that she still doesn’t understand how Boudreau is involved.

Jack: “We’ll find out soon enough.”

YES YOU WILL AND SO WILL AUDREY AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.

Back to Heller Camp, and the Chinese president wants to have a chat with Old Heller. You know, since it looks like Americans just sank a Chinese ship. So they launch the webinar.

Again Cheng is brought up (by Heller this time) and again the other person (the Chinese president) is like, “Cheng’s been dead.” But Heller assures him that Cheng’s alive. And asks if the U.S. produces Cheng and the device, will China fall back and not start WWIII, please?

But the Chinese president doesn’t care. And he tells Heller whatever happens today is on his hands. AND THEN HANGS UP WITHOUT EVEN SAYING BYE.

Not good. Especially since, within a minute, China has sent planes — mean planes with guns and probably bombs and stuff — somewhere. We don’t know where they’re headed, but a betting man might guess “somewhere valuable to the United States of America.”

This seems important, but not as much as what’s about to happen, because it’s going down — basement.

He’s about to tell her about Mark. END HIM, JACK.

Jack, just tell her. I know Audrey just told you “I’ve never hated you” and you’re both sniffling and stuff, but JUST TELL HER.

Too late. There’s no way. If anyone understands the beauty and scarcity of an Audrey moment, it’s Jack. Audrey tells Jack to do what needs to be done to Cheng, and Jack says OK. And then hangs up.

And just like that, Boudreau lives to see another minute.

Back to Heller, and the target becomes clear. An American naval base off the coast of Japan. As it tends to happen in these situations, one of the military guys thinks we need to bump up our attack, and then says the word “nuclear.”

Again, very heavy and time-sensitive stuff, but then look who walks through the door.

Oh. Baby.

Here it comes.

Jack addresses the president, but then says they need to speak privately. He, the president, AND BOUDREAU.

I’m shaking with excitement. Because look at him.

They go in a private room, and then my version of the Fourth of July fireworks begin.

Jack demands answers. And after hesitation, Boudreau finally says something.

Mark Boudreau, Chief of Staff to the President of the United States of America: “Sorry”

Boudreau then goes on to tell Heller exactly what happened, all in front of Jack. About the forged signature. About how he thought Jack was going to assassinate Heller. About how Jack was a political liability as long as he was connected with the United States. About how he was doing his job.

Boudreau is in full can’t stop, won’t stop mode, continuing on, telling his boss, the President of the United States of America as well as his father-in-law, to not be so naive. And then he says he had no idea Mustache was working with Cheng.

Finally, Jack steps in, because you can only be dissed so many times as if you’re not in the room before speaking up:

Jack: “[Mustache]’s cover is that of deputy foreign minister. He’s a covert intelligence operator, you idiot. If the U.S. goes to war with China, who do you think benefits?”

And then Heller, with the Vince Carter–over–Frédéric Weis of statements.

“I am putting you under arrest for treason.”

But Jack then tells Heller he can still use him. As bait. For a meetup with Mustache. Boudreau looks up at Bauer like a sad puppy, one that has betrayed his country.

Heller allows it. But both are treating him like the scum of the earth. Which is the best.

In the following scenes, Jack bugs Boudreau while prepping him to meet with Mustache and then has to listen to him talk about how he thought he was doing what was best for the country. Following that, Chloe jumps out of Cheng’s moving vehicle, falls down a big hill, and isn’t looking too hot.

But she’s free.

Back to Heller Camp, and something quite bad happens. Their survellance has been taken out. So they’re completely operating in the dark. And again, raising the alert level has been suggested.

And then someone says “DEFCON 3.”

And then it is raised. Things are worse than ever.

Following the preliminary stages of nuclear war, we go back to the Bauers and Boudreau. He’s ready to go inside Mustache’s palace. After arriving at the gate and begging Mustache to let him in, on the grounds of telling him more secrets (something that is very believable at this point), Mustache lets him in. On his walk, the camera on Boudreau’s lapel pin (which security certainly should have taken off) gets the CIA the information on the security system it needs to breach it.

A few minutes later, as Mustache and Boudreau begin to talk details, the breach begins.

And immediately, Mustache realizes Boudreau’s up to no good. As in, he’s not there to do “no good,” but instead has been turned and is now doing “good.” Which, in turn, is no good.

A fight starts, and as they’re wrestling, the Bauers break into the house and kill everyone. With ease. Instant-oatmeal, just-add-water, ready-in-60-seconds ease. Unfortunately for finding Cheng, the scuffle between Boudreau and Mustache gets a little too real.

Mustache is dead. And Jack is horrified by what may have been the last lead to Cheng, gone.

As the hour nearly reaches its end we see Audrey, who has left with her father’s permission to go follow a lead. She has a friend she trusts who may be able to pass on information that can help dissuade the Chinese president from attacking. They meet, privately, at night, outside — which is historically a terrible decision.

But they chat. And the chat goes well. And as they begin to part, the woman tells Audrey she’ll do whatever she can. And smiles.

And then gets shot.

And then within seconds, all of Audrey’s men have also been shot.

And just like that, it’s just Audrey. Outside. Alone. At night. With no one protecting her.

AND YES, OF COURSE, HER PHONE RINGS.

AND YES, DOUBLY OF COURSE, IT’S THE CHENG.

What a maniac. Also, I may switch over to “Chengs,” because I’m starting to believe there are six of him.

Cheng: “My associate has his weapon trained on you.”

Cheng: “Sit back down. On the bench. And don’t move. And maybe I’ll allow you to live.”

And then, right as Audrey sits down while listening to the voice of the most terrible man from her past:

One. Hour. Left.

One hour for Jack to recover the device, tell Chloe “It’s good to see you again,” kill Cheng, stop World War III, and save Audrey, which will lead to them making sweet old-fling love in front of Boudreau.

This is why we come back, every time. For that insane final hour. Can’t wait.