Text Messages to Gregg Popovich From a Spurs Fan: A Shark Ate All the Babies

Gregg Popovich is a human with a cell phone, so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Pop-a-doc!
Pop: oh no
Me: oh come now. I’ve not talked to you in so long.
Pop: not an accident
Me: you didn’t miss just a tiny amount? Not even thismuch
Pop: I did.
Me: : )
Pop: I missed you like how a stab victim misses being stabbed
Me: that’s not that nice of you to say
Pop: Sorry. I actually did think about you though
Me: YOU DID!
Pop: Yes. I was reminded of you.
Me: OH MY GOD I KNEW IT I KNEW IT BEHIND THAT COFFEE CAKE STONE FACE IS A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN
Pop: I was at the grocery store and I saw a dirty fat hobo and so then I was like, “I wonder what Shea is up to?”
Me: :/
Pop: I was getting out of my car and I slammed the door on my hand and so then I was like, “I wonder what Shea is up to?”
Me: dude
Pop: I was shooting around at practice one day and I jumped and then came down and severely sprained both my ankles at the same time and so then I was like, “I wonder what Shea is up to?”
Me: I GET IT OK I HAVE FEELINGS U KNOW
Pop: I was on vacation with my family and we were out boating and we hit a wave and everyone fell out of the boat and drowned except for me and as I lay there crying a great white shark came and ate the limbs off all the babies and so then I was like, “I wonder what Shea is up?”
[No response.]
Pop: thanks for checking on me


Pop: I watched this documentary on genocide and so then I was like, “I wonder what Shea is up to?”
Pop: I can do this all day.
Me: please stop


Me: pop, but so I saw you in the news, is why I messaged you
Pop: what about now?
Me: I saw the thing about you boxing or something as part of basketball training or something
Pop: “or something”?
Me: ?
Pop: you’re not very good at this
Me: come on, man
Me: this is a picture I drew of you : (
Pop: yeah, we were boxing
Me: the story mentioned how even that couldn’t make you not think about game six
Pop: okay
Me: did you cry after game six?
Pop: did I what?
Me: cry.
Pop: no
Me: I cried.
Pop: you breathed
Me: ?
Pop: jesus. saying you cried is like saying you breathed because you always do it all day everyday of your whole life
Me: I don’t know that that’s fair
Pop: can I ask you a question?
Me: sure
Pop: are you crying right now? Did what I just say make you cry?
[No response.]
Pop: see?
Me: THAT’S NOT THE POINT, POP
Pop: are there times when you don’t cry?
Me: this conversation has not been that much fun for me
Pop: I was sitting at a table drinking wine and relaxing and then this crow with rabies swooped down from a tree and pecked my eyeballs out and then the crow started talking loudly and it wasn’t just talking loudly that was
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the problem the rabies crow was also using a bunch of anti-Semitic slurs and disturbing everyone around it and then he started coughing syphilis all over everybody and so then I was like, “I wonder what Shea is up to?”
Me: ok thanks bye ok

Filed Under: Gregg Popovich, NBA, San Antonio Spurs

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Shea Serrano is a writer based in Houston. He has written for MTV, XXL, Vice, Complex, Myspace, and other outlets. He recently published his first book, Bun B’s Rap Coloring and Activity Book.

Archive @ SheaSerrano