Things We Found on eBay: Tear-away Pants, Jordan Jerseys, and Santa Hats

Nathaniel S. Butler/Getty Images Walt Williams

Nothing screams “I live to not succeed” quite like a blurry eBay picture. I wish the worst for this seller, I truly do.

Large Lot of Nascar Race Used Sheetmetal 50 pieces ($50)
There are so many things I like about this. First off, this is about NASCAR, my soon-to-be favorite sport in 2012. Secondly, the fact that people collect NASCAR shrapnel excites me. And third, I love the fact that the seller hand-picks 50 pieces for you with the guarantee of metal from the cars of Dale Jr., Matt Kenseth, Jimmie Johnson, and many others. I might have to bid on this, just out of respect for the hustle.

Kobe Bryant Shooting Sensations ($19.99)
Really? Another blurrific eBay image? Just because an item is from 1999 doesn’t mean you have to use a camera from the same year. Also, while this is advertised as a Kobe Bryant doll, there’s nothing to prove that’s actually Kobe. Due to the blur, it looks more like a Tootsie Roll sticking out of a purple case/A.C. Green than Mr. Bryant. C’mon, eBay sellers, step your up game. It’s almost 2012.

Authentic game worn 1995-96 Miami Heat tear away sweat pants made by Champion ($49.99)
These “game worn” tear-away pants are from the 1995-96 Miami Heat team. All that means to me is that they could have belonged to Walt “The Wizard” Williams, which is enough to at least consider making a bid.

Michael Jordan Jersey- Split Bulls/ Bullets Hardwood Classic Jersey – Very Rare! ($325)
This jersey is hideous. Also, $325? You have to be kidding me. It looks like it was sewn together using MS Paint. If you want to make a legendary MJ-themed portmanteau jersey, do a half Chicago Bulls/half Colorado Avalanche jersey, make it say “Blanche” and have a picture of the Rue McClanahan, of Golden Girls fame, on that back. That’s how you get my $325.

For more of our favorite eBay finds, click here.

Previously by Rembert Browne:
Rembert Explains the ’80s: “The Return of Calderone”
Rembert Explains the ’80s: Manimal
Sports Book Hall of Fame: Days of Grace

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Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

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