Dwight Howard is a Houston Rocket. He lives in Houston. So do I. I sent him some text messages.

Dwight: hey
[no response]
Dwight: Hey
[no response]
Dwight: Shea
Dwight: SHEA
Dwight: SHEA
Dwight: SHEA
Dwight: SHEA
Me: Dawg, are you serious?
Dwight: ?
Me: It’s 3 a.m.
Dwight: Yep
Me: wtf do you mean yep? I’m asleep, man.
Dwight: if you’re asleep, how are you texting me?
Dwight: oooohhhh buuuuuuurn
Me: :/
Dwight: why are you asleep? I thought writers kept late hours.
Me: I guess. I’m a teacher first, though.
Dwight: Word! I had no idea. You ever see the movie with Morgan Freeman? The one where he screams.
Me: Yes. It’s called Lean on Me.

Dwight: You sure?
Me: dude
Dwight: because I always get it confused with Stand by Me
Me: the one where the four young boys go see the dead body?
Dwight: Yes!
Dwight: The titles sound the same
Me: I guess
Dwight: everyone’s like, “hey, have you ever seen Lean on Me?” I’m like, “Yeah! Isn’t that one part gross where the go in the pond and then come out covered in leeches?!”
Me: … I gotta go, man.
Dwight: leeches are gross

Me: Dwight
Dwight: yo?
Me: Dwight, can I call you the dwiggity-dwiggity-dwiggity-dwiggity mack daddy?
Dwight: no
Me: can I call you Dwight Howard the Duck?
Dwight: absolutely not
Me: you’re right. That was a bad one. Great movie, though.
Me: ooh! OK, what about if every time you dunk it or do something awesome or whatever, everyone in the arena stands up and yells “DWIGHT POWER!” that’s pretty cool. what about that? DWIGHT POWER! DWIGHT POWER! There’s a guy that plays for the Texans named Arian Foster and I’ve been trying to get everyone to calls his fans the Arian Nation for like three years. It’s not gotten a lot of traction.
[no response]
Me: how about if every time you block it we yell SMITE, HOWARD!
[no response]
Me: at dinner we can call you Bite Howard?
[no response]
Me: hello?
[no response]
Me: all right, cool. ttyl

Me: Yo
Dwight: yep
Me: hey, so you’ve been working with hakeem, huh?
Dwight: yep
Me: yeah, I saw a few pictures on twitter. What’s that like?
Dwight: twitter? It’s fine. I have a lot of followers.
Me: fool. Working with hakeem.
Dwight: oh. It’s cool. He thinks leeches are gross too.
Me: oh my god.
Me: what kind of stuff is he showing you?
Dwight: he says wearing shoes helps. It’s easy for leeches to get your feet
Me: DUDE
Dwight: it feels like you’re underestimating the veracity with which leeches will attack
Me: I don’t even know how to respond to that
Dwight: it’s because I’m tall. There’s a lot of surface area for a leech to grab on. I have to be more careful than you.
Me: have you ever had a leech on you?
Dwight: no. I had a bee in my car once.
Me: me too!
Dwight: it was so scary. I was ducking all around. From the outside, it probably looked like I thought someone was shooting at me
Me: I was swimming at the beach with my sons and I was snorkeling and there were tiny fish around and one of them bumped into my ribs and in my brain I just knew I was being attacked by a shark
Me: I just left my boys
Me: I was like, “Shaaaark! SWIM, BITCHES!” and just burnt off
Me: they started crying. The people around me were freaking out. My wife got mad. It wasn’t that cool.
[no response]
Me: hello?
[no response]
Me: all right, cool. ttyl