Silver: Emily, given the seemingly endless barrage of trailers this week, I think it’s best if we break the glass and employ the “one-sentence review” policy so as not to miss anything. I, of course, will fail miserably. But not for lack of trying.

Yoshida: Firing up my pith generator as we speak. Let’s do this.

Captain Phillips (October 11)

Silver: Open sea, freighter deck, the bridge, interior freighter, claustrophobic life boat, Captain Phillips  is like Paul Greengrass’s Russian-nesting-doll retelling of Das Boot. In.

Yoshida: Great story to tell and I am intrigued, but what a terrible title — if this is done correctly the movie ends up being about way more than Hanks’s character, right?

Thor: The Dark World (November 8 )

Silver: After a thoroughly underwhelming teaser trailer, it was a smart move by the marketers to heavily feature Loki here — he’s clearly this Marvel cinematic faction’s strongest element.

Yoshida: Chris Hemsworth’s head is distractingly larger than Natalie Portman’s; pass.

Jobs (August 16)

Silver: Trailer-ology Lesson No. 776: Two unfaltering indicators that a film is not worth your time are (1) the excessive use of critics’ pull quotes, (2) to compensate, a heavy appropriation of the emotional qualities of the Who’s “Baba O’Riley” (American Beauty trailer excepted).

Yoshida: But that Macklemore song is actually pitch-perfect for the kind of obvious movie this is going to be, and I admit I smiled at “Return of the Mac-Mac-Mac-MacMacMacMacMac.”

Enough Said (September 20)

Silver: As much as I dig Nicole Holofcener (Lovely & Amazing), seeing Gandolfini and Louis-Dreyfus onscreen together (a cute and believable couple, right?), both current and former alumni of the Iannucci school of cursing, makes a small part of me wish this film was a little less sweet and a tad more vulgar.

Yoshida: I know what you mean, but I would, and will, give all the fucks in the world to see these two together in a film, much less these two together in a Nicole Holofcener film.

The Monuments Men (December 18)

Silver: If Clooney wanted to make a fourth Ocean’s film, or a fusion of Ocean’s and Three Kings, why be coy about it? He’s George Fracking Clooney, I think he has earned the right. All kidding aside, this is quite possibly the most incredible cast ever assembled. Can’t wait.

Yoshida: Oh man, so many high school substitute teachers are so stoked right now that they’ve got another harmless, marginally educational option for Movie Day.

Her (November 20)

Silver: Some might say that writer/director Spike Jonze only cast Scarlett Johansson for her best and only redeeming (and most sultry and raspy) thespian quality. Now, I’m not saying that, but some might.

SIDE NOTE: Love how Amy Adams is rocking the Cameron Diaz Malkovich hairdo.

Yoshida: I’m going to be up front and admit that post Black Mirror, my enjoyment of this film (which I of course will be seeing opening weekend) will hinge entirely on how far and fucked-up it goes down the psychotechnosexual rabbit hole.

CBGB (TBD)

Silver: I clicked on this assuming it was a documentary, and notwithstanding this completely joyless trailer, I kind of want to see this, if for no other reason than to see Alan “Nice Suit” Rickman speak for 90 minutes. He’s the best.

Yoshida: NOPE.

Muppets Most Wanted (March 21)

Silver: I’m going to allow my Kermit the Frog tattoo (which I had done years before Segel’s Muppets) to act as my critique of the Muppets Most Wanted trailer.

Yoshida: I would like to be able to follow that, but I’ve been shocked into silence.

Jayne Mansfield’s Car (VOD: August 20; theaters: September 13)

Silver: I might be in the minority here, but I miss Billy Bob Thornton, both in front of and behind the camera, so I’m excited for this film as it’ll provide me with both.

Yoshida: I have never understood how BBT ever became a thing.

Machete Kills (October 11)

Silver: It’s high time the following question was formally posed: Has the “Grindhouse” style and all the über-indie proselytization only been a façade for Robert Rodriguez in order for him to purposefully make ironically cheap-looking films, or is he just a cut-rate director?

Yoshida: Yes.

Ender’s Game (November 1)

Silver: I love me some Harrison Ford, but can we all agree that he’s just phoning it in here? All of his dialogue, either through voice-over or seen onscreen, sounds like he’s speaking in a “Why the hell did you just wake me up from my nap, dinner’s not for another two hours” whisper.

Yoshida: I never read Ender’s Game, and I know next to nothing about it, so I’d love it if someone would tell me if this adaptation is happening in 2013 because we haven’t had the effects technology to make it until now, or because we’ve literally adapted every single other potential sci-fi blockbuster in print?

The Counselor (October 25)

Silver: There’s still not a single thing to complain about here. Fox should just release the movie and let us all enjoy it already.

Yoshida: Still all-in, still can’t wait to figure out what that cheetah’s deal is.

12 O’Clock Boys (TBD)

Silver: “I’ve been on this earth for a decade and a couple of years. So what that makes me … I’m a grown-ass man.” This kid’s my hero.

Yoshida: This looks incredible and makes me really glad I don’t have kids yet so I can watch this without vomiting from anxiety.