Previous episode recap, in 140 characters:

spencer is cray, spencer is cray, spencer is cray, spencer is cray, spencer is cray, spencer is cray, spencer is cray, spencer is cray, lies
— Rembert Browne (@rembert) February 13, 2013

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We begin with the Spencer-less Liars (soon to be known as just the Liars, potentially), in the hallway trying to figure out where their fallen soldier is. As they weave their way through school, they overhear an argument between Spencer and her once-trusty Academic Decathlon friend. Sounds like Spencer skipping a practice has cost her a spot on the team. Spencer, hair frizzy and ever losing it, loses it.

She gets in Mona’s evil face and says, “Is there anything else you want to take from me?” Mona doesn’t care.

Emily tries to help the situation by tracking down Spencer in the hallway, but Spencer can’t handle it. She throws on her big shades and walks off.

And then she takes her shades off:

Well then. Decisions, Spencer.

Aria and Hanna post up away from school, and after chatting, Aria gets a call. From Ezra’s mom. Remember her? The worst woman ever? Anyway, she wants to know where runaway Wesley is, and as soon as Aria says she doesn’t know (she does, he’s in Ezra’s apartment), evil mom hangs up. Nice lady.

Away from this, Emily spots sketchy CeCe, and asks if she has a minute. Emily starts probing with Ali-related questions, but CeCe brushes her off, because (on the surface) she’s an adult and has things to do, but also because she’s somehow involved and blonde and bad.

We make a beeline for Spencer’s place, where she’s making a disgustingly healthy vegetable smoothie. Mid-mix, she gets a knock at the door. It’s the guy who just told her she’s off Academic Decathlon. He comes in, and it’s unclear if he’s there to just apologize or to let her back on the team. Spencer pleads with him to give her another chance, but he keeps going back to the distracting war between her and Mona.

So Spencer has an idea to get him on her side.

“New rules.”

“For every question that I get wrong, I will take off a piece of clothing.”

“And the same thing goes for you.”

“And the match isn’t over until one of us is butt-naked.”

EPISODE. PAUSED.

I wasn’t prepared for this. In recapping this show, I wasn’t ready to have to discuss a moment like this. Right now, I don’t know what happens next, but the proposition that has just been given to our academic decathlete gentleman is what we call “the high school moment.” It’s the moment you think of and smile and shrug your shoulders and shake your head when you remember it, because there’s no way someone like you should have been a position where something that awesome was thrown in your lap.

The only bad thing about this is if you decline said moment, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

I know Spencer’s a mess right now, I know her crimped hair suggests crazy, I know she just got wronged, and I know she’s as desperate as she’s ever been, but you just have to play her game right now, sir.

OK, UNPAUSE.

 

(THEY CUT TO ANOTHER SCENE.)
NOOOOOO!

Hanna’s talking to Caleb’s real dad, who’s been pretending to be his uncle, and then …

YOU CAN’T JUST GUESS “ABRAHAM LINCOLN” WHEN THE ANSWER IS “MARCUS GARVEY,” UNLESS YOU WANT TO END UP BUTT-NAKED, BRO.

Also, there’s no way anyone predicted we’d hear the name “Marcus Garvey” on Pretty Little Liars. No way.

ALSO: Thank you, young man, for compromising your beliefs and playing this game with Spencer. The rest of your life appreciates it.

Next question, Spencer gets wrong and, just like that, HOLLER BRASSIERE.

My only concern with this game is that it appears to be 4 p.m. and they’re in the living room. Why not take this game upstairs to the bedroom, Spencer? Oh, yeah. Because you’re STRIPPING FOR AN ACADEMIC DECATHLON POSITION AND HAVE COMPLETELY LOST IT.

And, just like that, someone’s at the door. Mom? TOBY?

Just Emily. The boy runs out as she tells him “you’re not her type.” While I’m never upset to see Emily, I’m pretty bummed that the game is over, especially since I know it’ll never get that good for him again. Ever.

Emily’s disgusted and saddened by Spencer and the way at which she’s let herself go, which starts a monster fight. The way it ends: Spencer storms upstairs. This is so bad. But, you know, under all of Spencer’s crazy, she has to protect her girls, even if it means them hating her.

Back to Aria’s house. She’s with Wesley, on whom she obviously has a crush, and she’s apparently continuing to assume that Ezra’s spending time with Maggie. Wesley’s packing up to leave, because evil mom found him, but Aria’s trying to convince him to stay. Then, suddenly, she gets a call from CeCe, asking her to help with a photography assignment. Aria asks if she can bring an assistant. Looks like she found her excuse to keep him around, just one more night.

A Hanna-Riggins fight happens, followed by a Jason-Emily discussion about the creep detective and those photos, which then leads us to …

She’s trying to kill the fruit with her eyes, when someone knocks at the door.

You HAVE to be kidding me. British Wren is back (to home-wreck, I assume). Jesus.

Melissa leaves, because she’s not comfortable with their relationship, and then Wren tells Spencer that he was sent there to check on her emotional state. Spencer assumes it was by one of her friends, and then it becomes clear who actually sent him.

MONA.

At first, Spencer freaks a bit, but then pulls a 180 and pretends to appreciate both his and Mona’s concern. Then she suggests they go to dinner and a movie. This is weird. Spencer might try to kill Wren. Who knows, at this point?

After we leave them, we get a few Hanna-Riggins scenes, culminating with Riggs deciding he wants to meet his father, going to the meet-up location, wondering if he’s being stood up, and then his dad-uncle walking through the door at the last moment. We also get another flirtatious scene between Aria and Wesley, facilitated by a boozy CeCe, who suggests they should hook up by way of Stephen Stills’s “Love the One You’re With.”

And then we go back to Jason and Emily, who return to his house and are greeted by this:

Looks like some sort of practical joke (UNLESS THEY’RE ALL FULL, THEN XOXOXO), and then Emily gets a text as Jason starts to pour them out:

Next, we see Spencer kidnapping Wren (even though he’s driving), Wesley and Aria starting to drink wine, and then back to Jason and Emily, breaking into his dad’s office to look for a picture. After some searching, they find it:

Hey, detective. Hey, Ali. HEY, CECE.

She lied to Emily, because of course she lied to Emily.

FLASHBACK TIME: Jason recalls the night Ali died. He sees a blonde girl off in the distance talking to Melissa, and yells at Ali. Then she turns around.

CECE.

Back to Spencer, who, at this point, is all that matters. They’re at the place that she lured Wren to: the location of the decathlon.

But she’s not there to get her spot back. I think she’s there to kill Mona. After approaching her, threatening her, and Mona not caring in the slightest (including asking her “who’s cray cray now?” and “do you have any friends?”), Spencer. Finally. CRACKS.

Like, seriously.

Uh-oh.

AHHHHHH!

CHOKED.

Spencer gets carried out, screaming. That was awesome.

Back to Aria, who gets a call from CeCe. She said that she went outside and her car got towed.

THIS IS NOT TRUE.

She’s up to bad things.

Back at the church, where Riggs’s dad is trying to get a job from the pastor. After some waiting, they found out he did, and they left church to celebrate. But not before Hanna decided to give some money to the church:

THIS SEEMS LIKE A BAD IDEA. I KNOW YOU HAD ANOTHER FIVE-DOLLAR BILL.

Emily and Jason are on an elevator, and then it starts to go haywire. Aria and Wesley are back in the apartment, Aria makes ejaculation jokes while Wesley reads poetry. And then …

FINALLY.

But it only lasts a second, because they both say they can’t do that, and then he leaves.

Back to the elevator. I think Jason and Emily are going to die. Emily finds a way to slip out, and then just as Jason is ready to leave …

Bye, Jason. Like, you are so dead.

Back to Hanna’s house. Riggs’s dad is paying for pizza. And when he pulls money out of his wallet …

Why why why why why?!

So how does this episode end? Well, Hanna, Spencer, and Aria all get an S.O.S. text from Emily, leading them all to the hospital. In it, an ALIVE Jason:

Emily’s with him, he admits he should’ve been more wary of the N.A.T. club because they want him dead, and that he no longer has the picture. Emily goes to get him more water, finds her girls (all of them, SPENCER IS BACK), and then the nurse asks where Jason is.

He’s gone.

To wrap it up, our two -A’s are playing death-spin-the-bottle with customized Liar bottles of whiskey:

The second spin lands on Spencer. And then they drink out of her.

Watch out, Spence. I think you might’ve pissed off Mona a little when you choke-slammed her.