Watch DMX’s First Encounter With Google

Set aside an hour as soon as possible so you can watch this 1:30 video 40 times.

Now that you’ve spent 60 minutes in the most enjoyable manner possible, let’s break down what just happened in the event that shall forever be known as “DMX vs. Computer,” one step at a time.

“I don’t even know how to use the computer.”

This admission is completely fine, Dark Man X, and, might I add, brave. In 2012, not knowing how to use a computer is about as embarrassing as it gets. At least you’re comfortable enough with yourself to admit such a thing.

“I don’t want to learn how to use the computer.”

Well, this isn’t good. Attitude is everything, Earl; you can’t just let something like a computer defeat you and turn you all negative and whatnot. Overcoming hardship is part of life.

Interviewer: “Do you know how to Google yourself?”
DMX: “No.”

OK, this confusion is not the fault of Mr. Simmons (relation to Bill still unclear). Who isn’t confused by proper nouns that become verbs in our culture? I’m sure DMX knows what “Google” the company is, but is just used to terms like “search” or “surf the information superhighway.”

“I know how to do it on a phone.”

Very interesting. So X does understand Google as a verb. And he understands Web browsing. It’s just computer Web browsing that causes all the problems. Very interesting.

“No, look at all these things, all this stuff, look. LOOK.”

Interviewer: “It’s a toolbar. Those are the windows that are open.”

“Toolbar”? “Windows”? What on earth could these terms possibly mean to DMX? Earl hears “toolbar” and thinks of a metal pipe, and “windows” are what get broken by way of a toolbar. There’s no way this clears anything up for X.

“It’s scary. It’s scary.”

I get it. Words with multiple meanings, combined with strange devices from the future, have never been comforting. Not for anybody.

DMX: [After typing in “DMX,” which in itself is an amazing thing to watch.] “Oh, so what do I do?”
Interviewer: “You hit ‘Enter.'”

This is the point when DMX does the greatest thing ever. He touches the “Enter” key and then backs away with his arms out, as if the laptop were either about to explode or to spit out a grilled cheese sandwich. I could watch this 1,000 times.

“Where’s the thing, though, you’re supposed to move around the little thing.”

YES, HE’S LOOKING FOR THE “LITTLE THING.” You have to love that. It’s like old people whose only word for the remote control is “channel changer.”

DMX: “What’s this?” [Reaches for a different computer’s mouse.]
Interviewer: “NO.”

She scolded him like a child who reaches for the cookie jar before finishing his broccoli casserole. I get it. You’ve got to commend Ms. Denis’s patience thus far.

Interviewer: “No, this is a laptop, so you have a track pad.”
DMX: “Ahhhhhh.”

I like this response by the Dark Man, as well as his hands-on-hips body language. It shows genuine curiosity. Like, “Oh, THIS is the laptop thing the kids speak of.” You can’t hate on a man who starts out unwilling to learn and now seems eager to gain new knowledge. It’s admirable, if anything.

DMX: “Look here, there’s an arrow, and there’s a hand, and then there’s a line.”
Interviewer: “It just changes, I — I don’t know.”
DMX: “See, it’s confusing.”

I mean, he’s not wrong in his confusion. Sometimes you click, sometimes you drag, and other times you place yourself in the beginning, middle, or end of a word and start typing new letters. I couldn’t begin explaining that to someone. Dark Man’s just going to have to pick that up over time.

DMX: “I see him [points offscreen] use it, and in the middle of it, it’ll stop … “

” … And then do the circle [expletive].”

“I don’t have patience for [expletive] like that.”

If there’s one thing DMX does understand about computers, it’s that no one has the [expletive] patience for the circle [expletive]. No one.

DMX: [Growling noise.]

Just further proof of Dark Man’s real hatred of that circle [expletive].

“Computer words are funny. Like ‘Google.'”

FACT. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt you.

“They’re funny words. Like, just get a regular word, what the [expletive] is a ‘Google’?”

This is amazing. Wait, Earl … make that “Goo” face again:

Last thoughts on the Internet/Google/the new iOS 6 update, Dark Man?

“That’s like something you call somebody, like a baby ‘goo-goo’ — it’s weird.”

Amazing. Next time you roll your eyes at a parent for not understanding what the iCloud is, or why the Sly Stone record won’t fit into the laptop CD drive, just watch this video and count your blessings that your mom isn’t DMX.

Filed Under: Google, Rembert Dmxplains

Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert