Yesterday, word got out that Beyoncé was launching her own Tumblr. But when one went to the alleged address, beyonce.tumblr.com, you were greeted with a password-protected blog. After hours of guessing everything that the password could/should be (“Beyonce,” “NotMichelle,” “Houston,” “ILoveMyMan,” “Illuminati,” “HouseofDereon,” “CoutureByDereon,” “KidsByDereon,” “MeAndMyBooBoof,” and “SashaFierce”), it became clear we, as a population, were going to have to just sit and wait.

Thankfully, the wait was short-lived (even though it felt like 4eva) because Beyoncé’s Tumblr went LIVE this morning. You should Bey excited, but should also Bey careful. Why?

*The following words only apply to those who have yet to click on any link that begins “beyonce.tumblr.com.” If you already have, it’s too late and you’ve already been fired or put on indefinite academic probation. If you haven’t, however, continue reading before you make a decision that you can’t take back.

BEWARE

• If you aren’t a fan of love, do NOT go to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you, for some reason, have a hatred for comically high-resolution images, do NOT go to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you are afraid of Spider-Man, do NOT go to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you are a hater of families with great genes, do NOT go to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you’re offended by crop tops, do NOT go to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you have a fear of being buried alive, do NOT go to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you hate Beyoncé (which is absurd) do NOT go to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If tropical destinations make you jealous, DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT GO to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.

GO GO GO RIGHT NOW

• If prom poses make you smile, go IMMEDIATELY to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If secret handshakes are your thing, go IMMEDIATELY to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you’re attracted by a woman smoking a cigar, go IMMEDIATELY to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• If you LOVE fresh fruit, go IMMEDIATELY to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.
• -If you like blushing while scrolling through a website, go IMMEDIATELY to Beyoncé’s Tumblr.

And this is just the pictures and videos. There’s still a number of other tabs, including the Beyhive, which teaches you about Queen Bey, the Honeybeys, the Bumblebeys, The Digger Beys, Buzz, Pollen, Sting No. 1 and No. 2, and Wasps. But yeah, that’s for you to learn on your own. I must leave, I’ve been off Queen Bey’s Tumblr for 20 minutes now and am beginning to develop a facial tic.

XOXO

Digger Bey Browne.