Two Fox news anchors tried to interview Ryan Lochte. After he haltingly explained the layout of his bathroom and the anchors bid his beautiful face adieu, they busted a gut for a minute and a half, during which time my girl in red started crying with laughter and almost lost an eyelash. Totally recruiting her for the fourth Girl in Hoodie spot, though if Ryan’s available he can join us as a dood in a snood. The YouTube comments on this puppy are worth a quick browse if you’re seeking out light content today (WE ARE ALL SEEKING OUT LIGHT CONTENT TODAY): “Guy was probably hungover from puling an all-nighter from stuffing 10’s,” “If you’re an idiot at night, you’re an idiot in the morning,” “At least he’s handsome and won 11 gold medals ! What have you won Miss Thing ????”

• When you lean in, make sure to keep your vagina as far away from the potential job as possible. Just bend yourself in half along the eroticism line.
• Spare a thought for Dick Van Dyke, who is suffering from “cranial throbbing.”
• Whaaaaa? They’re asking MacFarlane to host the Oscars again?
• Television episodes pulled in recent months because the world won’t stop kicking us in the face: Hannibal, Castle, Haven, TLC’s Best Funeral Ever (come on, guys!), Family Guy, and American Dad. Just going to go crawl inside of Amy Poehler’s skin, where it’s warm and safe.
• The most notable points of Jose Canseco’s AMA, including a mention of when he jigawatted in your mother.
• “Shag off, the pair of you. There’s a goat over there. Go improve your love life.”
• Recommended viewing for those of you celebrating a subcultural holiday this weekend, though I highly recommend the unmentioned Cat Dancers. Cats love to chill.