Posts by Shane Ryan
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About Last Night: Fin for Lin in NYC
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday. It’s official. The Knicks announced Tuesday night that they won’t match Houston’s offer for point guard Jeremy Lin. “I have a feeling if we play hard to get, ole Mr. Lon is gonna come crawling right back […]
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The Wrath of Kevin Youkilis
Two of my favorite Onion stories are “Kevin Youkilis Puts Sign-up Sheet for Threesome in Red Sox Dugout” and “Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone on Bus Awake With Another One of His Nasty Sex Stories.” Look at that face: looks like the crass degenerate we all knew in high school. But he’s not some stunted party […]
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About Last Night: Brazilians Waxed by Team USA
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday. The Brazilian basketball team couldn’t capitalize on a strong first quarter, and fell to the United States 80-69 in Washington, D.C. Alex Garcia led the early charge with eight first-quarter points, and NBA star Anderson Varejao finished […]
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About Last Weekend: Strasburg’s Lucky Seven
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend. Stephen Strasburg struck out seven over six scoreless innings to earn his 10th win of the year as the Nationals beat the Marlins 4-0. In the home locker room, Ozzie Guillen took a long hard look […]
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The Weekend Baseball Top 10
Here are the most compelling matchups, stories, and personalities in Major League Baseball for the coming weekend. The extended All-Star break is officially the worst development in American sports. What am I supposed to do with my life? Actually go outside? No thanks. The only time I want to go outside is if there’s an […]
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About Last Night: Blake’s Un-Cheerio Day
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday. Blake Griffin tore his meniscus at a Team USA scrimmage and will miss the Olympic Games in London. Which is particularly sad when you consider that, aside from Dwight Howard, Russell Westbrook, Christopher Paul, James Harden, and […]
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Breaking News: The Tour de France Is Awesome
I just spent three straight hours watching a bike race, and it wasn’t done at gunpoint or as part of some blogger’s gimmick. Hey, I’m a football-loving American and I’m going to write about how confusing and hilarious it is to watch a bike race! No. I watched it of my own free will, loved […]
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About Last Night: Dramatic Interpretations
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday. Since July 11 was the slowest sports night of the year, we hired renowned Dutch digital abstract artist E.V. Emmmph to change things up and make visual representations of each item. Please enjoy it — he was […]
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All Hail Melky Cabrera, Baseball’s Gadfly
Melky Cabrera makes me laugh. Melky Cabrera enrages me. Melky Cabrera is basically a mythical con man, like the deceitful coyote or Loki the shape-shifter. Hell, not to get Shakespeare all up in your sports, but he’s a modern Puck, whom Wikipedia describes as “a clever, mischievous elf or sprite that personifies the trickster or […]
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About Last Night: The Melk Man Delivers
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday. Melky Cabrera blasted a two-run homer to lead the National League to an 8-0 rout in the All-Star Game — the NL’s most lopsided victory ever — and took home the MVP in the process. “I’m just […]