Kobe Bryant is a human with a cell phone, so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Black Mamba! What’s up, vato?
Kobe: Hello.
Me: How are you feeling?
Kobe: about?
Me: oh. Um, well, I guess I meant in life.
Kobe: I’m Kobe Bryant so I mean life is pretty good.
Me: right, right. My life is pretty good too.
Kobe: oh. You’re rich?
Me: no
Kobe: famous?
Me: nah
Kobe: athletic?
Me: no
Kobe: are you at least tall?
Me: I am not.
Kobe: oh. Dang. Sorry.
Me: I’m the tallest one in my house.
Kobe: that’s not a thing
Me: :/
Kobe: maybe you’ll grow
Me: I’m 32
Kobe: maybe you won’t
Me: I gotta go, man. I can’t concentrate with all of these tears in my eyes.

Me: Yo.
Kobe: Yo.
Me: Let’s try again.
Kobe: okay
Me: how are you?
Kobe: good.
Me: it was pretty cool seeing you play basketball again.
Kobe: I thought so too
Me: were you nervous
Kobe: snakes don’t get nervous
Me: I saw a snake one time. I was at a park with this chick. I was in high school. We were walking around. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. I was fucking GONE. I ran so fast. I was like, “OH FUUUUUUUUUU” and then burnt off. Snakes are terrifying. The girl was pissed.
Kobe: why?
Me: because I didn’t try to protect her, I guess.
Kobe: ah
Me: I was like, “Yo, what good is two of us getting bitten by a snake? Who’s gonna go get help?”
Kobe: dude
Me: we didn’t talk again after that
Kobe: makes sense
Me: crazy part is it wasn’t even a snake. It was a piece of a water hose.
Me: snakes look a lot like water hoses
Me: I’d rather run away from a water hose on accident then not run away from a snake on purpose, you know
Me: she was like, “bap bap bap bap bap bap” or something
Me: I was like, “I’d push my mom in front of king cobra, bro.”
[No response]
Me: so but you weren’t even a little nervous?
Kobe: no
Me: you looked nervous
Kobe: I wasn’t
Me: you almost had as many turnovers as points though
Kobe: so
Me: so? So that’s not that great. I thought you were gonna drop like 50 on the raptors or whatever. Or maybe even 81 again. Oh man. Remember that?
Kobe: yes I remember that I was the one that did it
Me: you’re really good at basketball
Kobe: is this interview almost finished
Me: I have feelings, man
Me: did you hear the new r Kelly album?
Kobe: no.
Me: remember your album? Oh man. Remember that? you did that too.
[No response]
Me: it was pretty good
[No response]
Me: how many copies did you sell?
[No response]
Me: real question: what’s more, the number of copies of that album that were sold or the number of turnovers you’ve had in your career? For real.
[No response]
Me: hello?
[No response]
Me: alright, cool. It’s good to have you back, man. We all really did miss you.